Partner left after 9 yrs - Wants to finish with ow

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Just wanted to post a couple of quick comments in relation to your post. If your Ex always remembered your birthday in the past, then I am positive that he will remember it this time. This does not mean, however, that he will act on this. I think that there would be a lot of guilt associated with reaching out on your special day, given that he knows you are alone because of him. Perhaps he will make the effort anyway, but I just wanted to say that they are often thinking of us when it doesn't seem that they are. My own H recently posted on someone's wall on FB that he has a "great wife". He has not said one such thing to me in months, but this highlighted for the me the fact that what he says and shows to me is not necessarily what is going through his mind.

In terms of stage 2, I really think that it's normal for there still to be "taboo" subjects. My take on it is at the beginning of stage 2 it is like a very casual friendship. So, you don't necessarily discuss feelings and deep topics, but things are casual and light. I live with my H again, and we have discussed long-term plans together, but there are still topics that seem off-limits. My point is that these things often take a lot longer than we'd expect, and I don't think the stages are exactly the same for everyone. It takes a really long time to build up to a place where it is OK to discuss what happened. I remember that Jody told Optimistwife (who got her M back) that it was better to just concentrate on the things that were now good rather than bringing up the past and causing her H to feel shame for his behavior. They started moving forward, and making future plans, without having those talks.

Also I hate to hear you say that you feel like you are not worthy of an hour of his life. I know you don't mean that you feel that way but that you think he feels that way. Again back to guilt. He is seeing OW, is unhappy with his own decisions and where they have brought him in life, and you are a reminder of what he lost, and the fact that he hasn't had the courage to end it with Helen. From this perspective, I think it makes a lot of sense that he hasn't seen you more often. Sounds like if you are able to hold on through the next couple of months, and continue being his friend in the way that he is capable of (and who knows-this might grow to include phone calls and even meeting in person), things could start to shift.

Anyway hope you are doing well today!
ITH