JDOllie's Story #6

[Startingover2]

I think its great. Send it when you are ready. But if you are like me I would expect some sort of response and you may not get one at all or not the one you want. Just be ready to stand by your conditions.

[K4D]

Don't know what to say. Each person can only take so much I guess. As usual I don't want to see anyone end up divorced.

But you have to do what you feel is best. It will be interesting to see how she takes it. I hope maybe she will come back around for you.

Keep your faith in God. He will provide whatever you need.

Kevin

[JDOllie]

I'll tell you, it was pretty cool this morning. For you non-churchy folk it might just be weird.

Anyway, I have been all out of sorts this week - I have been smooth, calm, peaceful, comfortable - really moving on. W's weird actions this week just discombobulated me to no end. (do I get bonus points for using "discombobulated"?)

Anyway, I have been doing alot of praying and wondering - trying to figure out what the heck was going on, and that age-old question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?"

I felt very clearly that God showed me that I needed to just chill out - I love the saying, "When mortals plan, God laughs."

So, I'm chilling out - I'm going back to dark. I just gave Steady advice - I warned him not to get all high up if W does something nice - nothing means nothing unless they come and clearly and unequivocally say, "I've been wrong, and I'm sorry, and I'm going to do right."

End of story for me!

[JDOllie]

And the best part is this: it literally took me about 2 days to completely get over this - it would have been 2 months previously!

DBing worked fer me!

[silvagod]

JD, I'm not a religious person, but I can totally understand what you are saying. I do sometimes think that there is a 'higher power' and that is what guides us. I guess that's pretty much the same.

However, that's great that you can relax so quickly after an awkward time. Thats shows that you are as happy as you can be given what is going on. That's great to hear.

One comment on the email, I wouldn't bother sending it to be honest, it's just repeating what you have already said and in the eyes of a WAS, it's pursuing. W KNOWS where you are, what she has to do and what you want. Leave it up to her to decide.

Take the high road mate, it's the best one

[pearlharbr]

Hey JD

Just got back home and catching up. Sorry to hear about the little roller coaster ride you took but sounds like you only went around once. Good for you!

I would agree with Silva. You've said all that before, I don't see the point in sending the email.

Keep living your life with your kids on your terms and let your W sort out her own mess.

[steady]

Hi JDollie. Thanks for stopping by my thread. I agree about the email. It makes you still the 'fall back guy'. Alot of times when they know you are still 'there' it's as if they have something to fall back onto if their life doesn't work out as they plan.

It's such a hard line to keep moving forward when in your heart you aren't getting what you 'want'. But I've been thinking lately maybe what I want isn't really what I need. It's not always a consolation for me thinking like that but at times it does help.

Yesterday we had a really nice day out with the kids, but it doesn't change anything. Of course as we're doing this my mind drifts over to the what if...hopes of a direction change. Then I have to override those thoughts and detach again.

I need to get myself to the point where it doesn't matter to me how it all lands - to let go of any expectations. The reality of it is this: I have no idea what the future hold. NONE. So all of my projection forward is really a total waste of time and energy. Although it's a hard to state to achieve it's really the one I need to get to. Letting go and detaching from the outcome. Very simple but hard to sometimes do.

I know what I want, but it's not a reality for me today. Reality is exactly what it is and all the hoping won't change it. I really am powerless over all of it - except my own thoughts, and my feelings will follow those thoughts.

The other day I was thinking - My W is doing what she is doing because of who she is right now. If I was her, I would be doing the same exact thing because I would be thinking and feeling exactly as she is. It's an empathetic viewpoint but again, it doesn't always help - but sometimes it does.

I want to change her thought. I want her to change her feelings. But I have no control over that - she is going to be who she is until she decides to change that, or some epiphany comes along and hits her like a lightning bolt. When you think about it, the shock we got snapped us out of the direction we were heading and caused us to change our ways. I didn't ask for it nor was I seeking it, but it found me through an 'experience' I had - the bomb. It's Grace at work.

Who knows why it happens..who knows to whom it will happen..it is a mystery to me and will always be a mystery.

Follow the path you choose for yourself.

[JDOllie]

One thing I do is write an email, save it as a draft, and then go do SOMETHING.

I never send anything right away - I make myself get a task that requires my brain so I can come back a little more objectively. I haven't lately, but I used to write two to three emails a week. I think it's the electronic version of writing a letter and tearing it up!

I didn't send it, and am not going to.

What I love about the past 2.5 years is this: my kids have seen W go in all sorts of directions. She has gone out of her way to make OM look good to them - I think part of the reason he brings his kids most of the time is to ingratiate them on our kids so they'll approve of OM. Again, just weird that 4 of their last 5 "dates" have been the kids getting together, and that's been the majority of their dates.

Anyway, long story short, what is just huge to me is that my kids STILL want us back together - D8 at times has been very defensive of W, and again, I asked her if she would like us to get back together, and she said so softly, "Oh yes." (I NEVER say anything about us getting back together - S6 had brought it up)

Made my heart hurt, but made me happy too.

So, that's it. Back to dark.

My only question is does a statement need to be made? Someone else on here point blank told their spouse: "I will not be your friend while you're in an affair."

I'm pretty sure what the answer is, but figured I'd get some feedback.


**Steady** - you are speaking words like they were out of my head, sounds like I'm about a month ahead of you!

**Silva - you are my Obi-wan.

**Pearl - yup, and now that the little rollercoaster is over, I can clearly see her mess piling up higher and higher. I'm starting to think THAT'S the reason she contacted me.

[pearlharbr]

My only question is does a statement need to be made? Someone else on here point blank told their spouse: "I will not be your friend while you're in an affair."

Well, I did say something to that effect to xBF when I kicked him out. Told him that he was treating me with so much disrespect and if any of my other friends had done that I would cut ties with them immediately so he was lucky I was cutting him some slack for as long as I had.

But I haven't said anything else similar since then. Not sure that saying that now will matter to her. Don't you think she gets that after the month of darkness? Or do you think that since you responded to her "niceness" last week you've given the wrong impression?

I do advise my girlfriends to clearly state their intentions to guys because they won't pick up on the subtle clues. I think women are better at it so IMHO your W will know from your actions that you are not emotionally available to her and she for d@mn sure knows why.

Maintain the same attitude and behavior you had in Feb, it was/is working.

[Startingover2]

Actions do speak louder than words. We ALL need to remember that I guess

Your darkness and independence is probably what made her curious. Act like you don't give a dang about what she is doing and whom with.