A Cry for Help & Don't know where to go

[SRTTF]

URGENT UPDATE......


I guess we had court on Fri. I was never even told that he had filed. I was not notified but my lawyer was there. I guess H was there. The judge told H to take the papers home and look at them and we would go back to court on March 27th. Laywer said that H looked very withdrawn and confused. I have to go to the lawyers office tomorrow and get a copy of what he submitted to make sure that he didn't change anything from the original. Then I have to turn in an updated financial sheet. I guess my lawyer has to respond on Fri. He told her that he wants to settle this quickly so there shouldn't be anything to dispute. Well he only offered $400 a month for a "few" months. Also in the original he said that I wouldn't get any of his pension from the RR. Oh I don't think so. Obviously we will turn this down. My lawyer knows that I want this to be pushed as far as possible.

Well anyway, I am feeling very very desperate. I have been praying a few times a day that God give my H a smack into the real world and get him to realize what he is loosing. I just can not accept that things were bad enough that we couldn't work it out. I can and have forgiven him and I am accepting responsibility in my part of things that went wrong. None of this makes sense.

Why won't he even at least e-mail Kaylyn. He is only showing that he never loved her, but I know in my mind and my heart that that is not true.
I feel like I would be giving up on him and our marriage if I don't do anything I could to save it.

I feel like I deserve at least a few counseling sessions with him. If he doesn't want to see someone new, maybe we could meet up with our Pastor friend somewhere. I want more time. I feel that if there is more time that he will hit bottom, get help and see that I am still there with him and for him by his side.

I really really have to stop myself from calling or texting him. I want to tell him how much I still love him so much and I know we could work it out, but I know that would only make him step back. My sister in law was wondering where he got the money from since he isn't paying anything right now. I did look at his loan information and he hasn't made a $50 payment in 3 months. We think that maybe the OW is pushing the divorce and that worries me a lot.

I have been praying so much. I am really really trying to let it go and give it all to God. Is this what God wants? I don't understand that God would want this. That he would want me to abandon my husband who is not thinking right and has problems. How could he want a family torn apart like this?

PLEASE FOLKS TALK TO ME. I HAVE BEEN HAVING ANXIETY ATTACKS ALL DAY. I HAVE TAKEN 2 LORAZAPAMS BUT I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO. IT WAS LIKE THE DAY I FOUND OUT AGAIN ALL OVER. I CAN'T BELEIVE HE WAS IN TOWN AND NEVER EVEN MADE AN ATTEMPT TO CONTACT ANYONE HERE. MY D WAS HOME ALL WEEK WITH PNEUMONIA AND SHE SAID THAT THERE WAS NOTHING WEIRD HAPPENING ON FRI.

UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND AND GIVE ME PATIENTS AND FAITH THAT YOU WILL DO WHAT IS RIGHT. PLEASE HELP MY H RELEASE THE HOLD THAT SATAN HAS ON HIM. SHOW MY H THAT WHAT HE HAS DONE WAS WRONG BUT ALSO FORGIVEN.