A Cry for Help & Don't know where to go

[K4D]

I am proud of you Stacy. You are sticking to your morals and principals and God is with you. Nothing wrong with taking a day off from work now and then to deal with stuff. I took 2 days off earlier on when my W announced this D. I just needed time away and had to take it.

Its good that you are talking to a pastor and hopefully he is able to help you and provide comfort.

We are definitely with you. Sorry I haven't been around as much. Things are getting down to crunch time for me as my W is putting more and more pressure on me.

But I am still here for you.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

Hey!

I took a few days off last week and the week before, too, just trying to regroup. I think I finally got most of the crying out! At least for awhile anyway.

You are amazing woman to give your H the gift of sticking by him no matter what. I just hope you are prepared. I am afraid you will give up yourself to hold to this and that isn't right. It's one thing to hold out hope and keep the light on. It's different to stop living until that time comes.

Good luck, Ladybug. I hope you have some good results with your pastor.

Melissa

[SRTTF]

Mel, Kevin, JD, Polly and everyone else.

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I have actually been busy if you can believe it.

OK whats been going on with GAL. As you know my D and I go to an arena near us. She helped work it over the summer and we became close with the owners as we are all the same age. One of my D good friends and her family have horses there also so we have been spending alot of time there. Anyway, they have a cattle sorting league. Both non-buckle class and buckle. My D usually rides and helps do cattle changes as I take pictures. I have had a ton of people ask me about them and if I have a web site. Very very cool. So I am in the process of getting a web site built for the business and we are going to do a slide show on the last day which is on the 14th already. I am very excited about it because I could make some money with selling prints. A few of the people that have asked sell horses and would like pictures to go on their web sites. Also got a booking for graduation pictures out of it. Not too bad for no advertizing yet. My H and I started the business back in 05 but never really did anything with it. Just some really wonderful scenic picks and about 5 weddings and grad pictures. It has all been word of mouth. So anyway you can imagine after I take the pictures which are usually 200 - 300 on those days, it takes me awhile to go through them, fix them and then I do a few creative things with some. I have alot to do still. But I love it and it has been keeping me busy. I have been having alot of fun with the owners and other people that I have met there. Making friends which is also a good thing. My D wants to e-mail a few of her pictures when she has been doing some cattle sorting of her own. She said that she wants to show him how good she has gotten and wonders if he would be proud of her. I told her I am certain he would be proud of her. We both thought that he would really get into going to the arena. By the time we starting doing things there he was already in his own hell.

Next, an update. Also part of moving on with life WITHOUT giving up faith and hope. I have filled out forms for county assistance and am making several changes to make every penny count. Still no word from him. I did talk to 2 friends of ours, the pastor again, his cousin(whom he has always been able to talk to) and his sister. They have all left several msgs for him but he doesn't return the call. Have a question about this.

Why won't he even contact these people,if he is soooooo happy and doesn't regret his decision then why wouldn't he just tell these people that?

a. ashamed and doesn't know what to say
b. doesn't care
c. isn't really as happy as he says

He hasn't seen is daughter yet again. I did do a bad thing and I sent the OW a txt msg here is how it went....

ME "Just wanted to remind you that I am still here and always will be"

I know I shouldn't have done that but I really did feel like a monkey was lifted off of me Well, of course I didn't get a reply and I didn't think I would.

But, over a week later she text me

HER "Why did you feel you needed to text me and tell me that you haven't given up. It would be wrong of me to forget that you are still there and he is still married."

ME "NO what is WRONG is you living/sleeping/dating a married man."

HER "How are you and your D doing?" "I know this is hard and I am sorry"

ME "Still no money"

HER "Thats because he is still filling out paperwork for unemployement, so he has no money"

ME "BS, he started getting unemployment the day he was put on the retention board 3 mths ago. 62.00 a day." "Also, heard that he is still drinking and was seen in a bar"

HER "I know he isn't drinking, you were the reason he was drinking. The only bar he has been at was with me and my friends"

ME "Don't believe me why don't you ask for yourself, some of the people with the RR" "I just wanted to remind you that I haven't given up on our M or on my H" "I will never give up as long as I have faith, hope and God"

HER "Has he contacted you at all. I am with him and that is reality so you can have all the other stuff cuz I have him"

ME "This conversation is over and I AM still his wife"


Ok well I think I did pretty good. I wasn't going to let her get to me. Things still don't add up. Come on "still filling out unemployment paperwork 3 mths later" One of the guys on the RR took a picture of him with his cell phone, the union guy saw it, (I told him I didn't want to see it cuz it would just upset me) He said that it looks like he has lost a ton of weight, eyes are dark and sunkin in, almost all grey hair and very shaggy. I would cut his hair for him every 6 wks or so and he has always been one that looked good no matter what he was doing. The union guy said it didn't look at all like him. I guess the union guy called the pastor (remember they know eachother). I guess the pastor is trying to set something up so he can go there and confront my H. The union guy said we may not be able to wait until he hits bottom or realizes that he needs help. That point may truely be 6 feet under. I guess they were talking about possiably getting the law involved or something of that nature since he is a pro at drinking and driving. If he was arrested or something maybe that would make him wake up.

I just don't understand how it is that at least the OW has got to see the change in him. Then to not be working since he moved there. He is not one to site around doing nothing. He would always either be in the basement messing with wood stuff or playing on the computer at least in the winter.

I just don't understand. I told the union guy that I would rather stay out of it and until he actually has hit bottom which ever way that is, the less I know the better. I have been his target of anger and if I have nothing to do with it then he can't blame me. However, I will be there for him, and I know that it will be a very very hard long road but it is one I am still willing to go down together. I will always be by his side like he was for me when I needed him.

Well that is what has been going on. D has been sick all weekend with a high fever so she is going to the doctor tomorrow. By the way I just got done watching the bachlor. What a f$^&# a@@. I can't believe he did that.

OK thats me being me. Hope you are all doing well and I hope to hear from you all soon.

Love to all new and old.

[SRTTF]

URGENT UPDATE......


I guess we had court on Fri. I was never even told that he had filed. I was not notified but my lawyer was there. I guess H was there. The judge told H to take the papers home and look at them and we would go back to court on March 27th. Laywer said that H looked very withdrawn and confused. I have to go to the lawyers office tomorrow and get a copy of what he submitted to make sure that he didn't change anything from the original. Then I have to turn in an updated financial sheet. I guess my lawyer has to respond on Fri. He told her that he wants to settle this quickly so there shouldn't be anything to dispute. Well he only offered $400 a month for a "few" months. Also in the original he said that I wouldn't get any of his pension from the RR. Oh I don't think so. Obviously we will turn this down. My lawyer knows that I want this to be pushed as far as possible.

Well anyway, I am feeling very very desperate. I have been praying a few times a day that God give my H a smack into the real world and get him to realize what he is loosing. I just can not accept that things were bad enough that we couldn't work it out. I can and have forgiven him and I am accepting responsibility in my part of things that went wrong. None of this makes sense.

Why won't he even at least e-mail Kaylyn. He is only showing that he never loved her, but I know in my mind and my heart that that is not true.
I feel like I would be giving up on him and our marriage if I don't do anything I could to save it.

I feel like I deserve at least a few counseling sessions with him. If he doesn't want to see someone new, maybe we could meet up with our Pastor friend somewhere. I want more time. I feel that if there is more time that he will hit bottom, get help and see that I am still there with him and for him by his side.

I really really have to stop myself from calling or texting him. I want to tell him how much I still love him so much and I know we could work it out, but I know that would only make him step back. My sister in law was wondering where he got the money from since he isn't paying anything right now. I did look at his loan information and he hasn't made a $50 payment in 3 months. We think that maybe the OW is pushing the divorce and that worries me a lot.

I have been praying so much. I am really really trying to let it go and give it all to God. Is this what God wants? I don't understand that God would want this. That he would want me to abandon my husband who is not thinking right and has problems. How could he want a family torn apart like this?

PLEASE FOLKS TALK TO ME. I HAVE BEEN HAVING ANXIETY ATTACKS ALL DAY. I HAVE TAKEN 2 LORAZAPAMS BUT I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO. IT WAS LIKE THE DAY I FOUND OUT AGAIN ALL OVER. I CAN'T BELEIVE HE WAS IN TOWN AND NEVER EVEN MADE AN ATTEMPT TO CONTACT ANYONE HERE. MY D WAS HOME ALL WEEK WITH PNEUMONIA AND SHE SAID THAT THERE WAS NOTHING WEIRD HAPPENING ON FRI.

UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND AND GIVE ME PATIENTS AND FAITH THAT YOU WILL DO WHAT IS RIGHT. PLEASE HELP MY H RELEASE THE HOLD THAT SATAN HAS ON HIM. SHOW MY H THAT WHAT HE HAS DONE WAS WRONG BUT ALSO FORGIVEN.

[K4D]

Ok Stacy,

Gotta calm down.

First, no, this is not what God wants. Go hates divorce. But people have freewill. God doesn't force anyone to change their mind. Probably the best prayer that you can say is to pray that God's will be done. You already know his will is for your marriage to survive. Also pray that God comforts you during this time and gives you strength to handle whatever comes your way.

He won't give you more than you can handle as long as you are doing his will and staying faithful to him.

Pray for a change of heart in your H. Pray that he comes back to God. In doing so, he will come back to the M.

But in the end, pray that God's will be done.

Definitely do not let him get away with that pension. I'm glad to see you are staying on top of that. Part of that is rightfully yours.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter being sick and hope she is doing better.

Pray that God give you what you need to keep going no matter what happens.

Sometimes I also pray that God create a situation that will cause a change of heart in my W.

Remember, the bible says to pray with faith as if it is already happening. If you are praying with doubt, how effective will it be?

Remember to also thank God for the blessings he has given you. Also ask for forgiveness of your own sins.

God loves you and your daughter and your husband. God wants your M fixed. He can talk to your H. But your H has to be willing to listen and respond. God isn't going to make him do that.

Pray for signs and wisdowm from God to show you each step of the way what to do.

I don't know if you go to church, but if you don't, find one to get involved at so you can worship God. If you do, good for you.

We are here for you. I know I have a tendecy to get to wrapped up in my own situation sometimes and can't see past it. Thats a struggle I am having to overcome.

This isn't easy on anyone. But at least we all have each other for support. Sometimes it would be nice if we all lived in the same city to hang out together. But that would probably make it the most divorced city in the world. lol.

Kevin

[SRTTF]

MORE INFO

I have been working on pictures and different groups that my H had set us up in. In one of them that he entered in June 08 he wrote this in the "tell us about yourself" area.

My wife and I learned a long time ago there is a difference between a picture and a photograph. My wife says I have "The Eye" to make a beautiful and breathtaking photograph, and she is always amazed and supportive of my work, as I am about her portrait works. I thank God for the gift of my wife, my family, and the talent. My wife and I have since started our own company. It is a dream for both of us. As I continue taking my nature photos my wife enjoys photographing people and animals. We try not to go anywhere without the camera. We hope you enjoy our gallery.

Now that is my H being himself. Something is missing I just don't know what it is.

[K4D]

Hi mind is missing. Remember, he was abducted by an alien.

Focus on that business. Get it up and going. Stay strong. Your D is counting on you. She obviously can't count on him right now.

You have to be strong for the both of you. Keep close to God and he will take care of you. He will see you through anything. Just stay close to him and remain faithful to him.

When you feel like screaming why God!!! try and take a deep breath. Then ask yourself... Can I release release this feeling. Yes or No doesn't matter. Then take another breath. Then ask your self when can I release this feeling. Try it a few times.

Hopefully it will help. When you ask God why, remember, he knows the future. None of us do. He may be preventing something worse from happening to you. Think about that. Maybe this is good because maybe if H was at home drinking and he took D in the car with him and they got into a horrible accident and D God forbid lost her life, that would be much worse. Maybe this time is being used to prevent something awful like that happening.

Also keep in mind, everyone has freewill. My W has told me that more than once and has told me that she decided to act on hers.

God gave us all freewill. He may be talking to your H. But if your H isn't listening, God is going to necessarily force his mind to change.

Now don't get me wrong, God can create situations that can change people's minds. I pray for that all the time for my W.

God, please create a situation that will change my W's mind and bring her back to you and heal our M.

I know God is listening. And I know he is putting things into place. I just don't know what those plans are or when they are set to move.

Just keep praying. Don't blame God. Accept God's love and ask him to show you what his plans are for you.

You already know his will is not for D to happen.

Be the best you can be. I think this photography business will be great for you.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

2 x 4 time...get your helmet on...

Instead of deciding the result you want God to give you, why not ask Him for the strength to handle whatever His plan is? Accept his will but ask for "guidance to know it" and "Strength to handle it" and then turn it over to Him and DON'T TAKE IT BACK...Leave it in God's hands. You keep taking it back.

Also I hope you are keeping the "satan has a hold on him" talk to yourself as I have never heard of a WAH coming back b/c of that. Also if he is "forgiven", then drop the "make him see he is wrong" b/c if you want to be "right" okay you win. But you want to be happy, correct? Do you see that You are literally telling God what to do?

So maybe you need to stop making oyur h so evil and "wrong", and instead make yourself ready for life as it comes your way--with or without your h. "Be a woman only a fool would leave"...

You say he's an alcoholic and has "massive problems"-- but you are fighting like mad to keep him even as he is now. Why? Are you so afraid of being alone that you cannot even allow yourself the luxury of reality, so that you can stare hard at the life you truly had, the M that eventually came to be, and see that you know there WERE some problems that you are better off without??

I think when the LBSer starts to really truly realize the benefits of being without the WAS (even if only a few benefits exist), it helps so much. And you begin to really GAL and then...little by little...the WAS notices. Does not mean they'll come back but it sure is a mandatory step to it.
It does get better. It really does. No matter what happens with the M. And though none of us can tell you what will make your h come back or IF he will come back, many of us can tell you what will push him away. I see a lot of it in your posts. So, you can take the helmet off now, as the 2 x 4 is over. Good luck,

(( j ))

[25yearsmlc]

2 x 4 time...get your helmet on...

Instead of deciding the result you want God to give you, why not ask Him for the strength to handle whatever His plan is? Accept his will but ask for "guidance to know it" and "Strength to handle it" and then turn it over to Him and DON'T TAKE IT BACK...Leave it in God's hands. You keep taking it back.

Also I hope you are keeping the "satan has a hold on him" talk to yourself as I have never heard of a WAH coming back b/c of that. Also if he is "forgiven", then drop the "make him see he is wrong" b/c if you want to be "right" okay you win. But you want to be happy, correct? Do you see that You are literally telling God what to do?

So maybe you need to stop making oyur h so evil and "wrong", and instead make yourself ready for life as it comes your way--with or without your h. "Be a woman only a fool would leave"...

You say he's an alcoholic and has "massive problems"-- but you are fighting like mad to keep him even as he is now. Why? Are you so afraid of being alone that you cannot even allow yourself the luxury of reality, so that you can stare hard at the life you truly had, the M that eventually came to be, and see that you know there WERE some problems that you are better off without??

I think when the LBSer starts to really truly realize the benefits of being without the WAS (even if only a few benefits exist), it helps so much. And you begin to really GAL and then...little by little...the WAS notices. Does not mean they'll come back but it sure is a mandatory step to it.
It does get better. It really does. No matter what happens with the M. And though none of us can tell you what will make your h come back or IF he will come back, many of us can tell you what will push him away. I see a lot of it in your posts. So, you can take the helmet off now, as the 2 x 4 is over. Good luck,

(( j ))

[SRTTF]

Hi everyone just checking in.

25, ouch that hurt. But very true. What you said about what I should be praying about is true. I didn't realize I was telling instead of asking for whatever his will is. I guess b/c I really don't want it to end that way but I know that it may. I do have to say that YES, I am afraid of being alone again. Understand that I was a single mother for a very very long time and had nothing but bad R with other men. My H was not and is not like that before the alcohol got out of controll things were good.

Today was the last day for cattle sorting. I worked very hard on the slide show and it paid off. Everyone really enjoyed it.
I got alot of complements on the show and the pictures. Once I get the web site up and running I hope to get alot of orders. The other good thing is that 2 other ranchers want to put some of my pictures on thier sites. Not too bad for never paying for advertizing.

Ok now for the not so good news. I went to the county to check into some sort of assistance, anything would help. NOPE, NOTTA, NOTHING, ZILCH. I qualify for not a damn thing. I am most concerned about rent. I will write a letter to my landlord (who has been wonderful so far) and ask if there would be anyway to decrease the rent for a few months and I would pay something each check. I couln't even imagine what I would do if I have to leave. (I'm not going there). I have been praying more for God to help me and D get through this and to help us survive each day.

Last Friday I guess I missed a court date with H. L said that he had finally filed but I never got the notice. Turns out that court was the one that set the date since it had been so long since we submitted our answer to no petition. Well anyway, H was there and my L said that he looked VERY lost and confussed. Not really sure what was going on and what the next step is. Well at least I'm not the only one L said that the judge told H to take the answer that we filed and look at it and that he would need to respond to it (in a timely manner). I love how the one that files can take there sweet time but the other person has a time limit to respond. Well a court date was set to discuss a temp spousal support order. My wonderful, caring ALIEN of a H was kind enough to offer 300 a mth. My L turned it down and a date was set. Good news is it's over a month away. More time for my pastor to attempt to get through to him. Also this court date is only to discuss the temp order.

My L said that this all has the court confussed since not many people go about a D w/o a L these days. She said that it will probably take a very long time and several attempts for him to continue this since the paper work gets harder each time. Funny thing is that when H was in town you would think that if he wanted his things so bad he would have at least made an attempt to get them. Nope nothing, I didn't even know he was in town and no one else saw him.

As far as Al-Anon goes. I have only been able to make it to 3 mtgs and each time I was the only one there. It doesn't help much when you are the only one talking. I wish it was going better. I have been talking to a few people that have a history with alcoholics either themself or a loved one and they all say that what he is doing is classic. He won't call or communicate not only with me but anyone else close to the sitch because he still has feelings deep down and if he communicates then he is having to deal with the feelings. I did talk to FIL and he hasn't talked to him much at all either.

All I can do is continue to get educated on the matter, have fun with D and do what I need to do to protect our living sitch. I continue to pray that I will follow God's lead instead of doing the leading. I pray for strength and hope. I just really wish I could get some sort of sign. Anything...... I guess I have to stop looking and just keep living huh!!!

Well, thats what is new here. I hope everyone is doing well and I will pray for all of you and continue to look in on each of you.


Love to all,
Stacy