PM Thread #4

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Hope, Karen, Stacy and Kev,

I am not feeling my best today. Actually kind of depressed. Negative thoughts are creeping in. I guess it's natural to have ups and downs. H came to see kids this weekend, which is great for the kids. But I definitely feel a huge wall between us and no matter how hard I try to act 'as if' and sound cheerful and just be happy, I feel that the wall is so solid, there is no give at all on his part. It's not that he is rude or anything but extremely distant and deliberately so.

I feel dejected, been db'ing for so long and not seeing any small differences in our R. Maybe this is a hopeless case. I called MIL last night and said that I understand a lot about myself now and how I contributed to the breakdown of M but what I don't get is why someone wouldn't even try. Her answer is the same words that I heard H say and that is, It's so much work to try and he doesn't think it's going to work out anyway.

I told her, it's a lot of work now. It's so much work to be pleasant around the kids. Doesn't he think that D and single parenthood would be a lot of work as well? Is he trying to avoid stress, if so it would not be the way to go about it? And the upside of the M is so huge so why not put work into something that is more valuable?

I am completely shattered. I don't think I can talk to her for a long time. She is nice and I know she speaks the truth but I end up being beaten up by the end of the convo. Maybe I did ask for it. But I feel that nothing was achieved.

The thing is if someone doesn't want to try, there is no convincing them. Even if you DB your but* off. Because they are NOT looking for the signs of change. They are looking for the signs of failure in you. They are programmed to look for the faults so all the good points are taken for granted. This is especially the case when there is OW involved and they think this new person is so perfect and shiny and wonderful. So I look like a rusty old coin and she is the epitomy of perfection. I have no chance. I am given no chance.

What do you do when your spouse thinks so negatively about you? I felt rejected all over again. I feel like a failure around him. I feel like rubbish that he has thrown away. Not a nice feeling. I am not angry about it but very very sad. I have GAL, my jobs are taking off, I have close friends, my family is very supportive and my kids and I are healthy. But those things don't end up making me forget my troubled M. I feel grateful for my blessings but this sense of failure and rejection is so overpowering.

Thanks for letting me vent here.

BTW, on Sat night, I went out and told H so, keeping it very mysterious. I asked H to come over Sun morning to look after the kids and get them breakfast cause I will be late home on Sat. He said OK and showed up and got them ready and everything. Maybe he was mad at me. I don't know but he was very cold all day. Then again like every Sunday night, he rushed the kids to sleep so he can get out to meet OW. Very stressful the last couple of hours of the night because he is rushing everyone, can't relax and enjoy.

I don't know maybe he thinks I am continuing with my life and he doesn't like it so he put up walls on Sunday. Don't know. What I do know is that he is not contacting me to see where I went or who I was with or doing anything that seem to me that he is interested or curious about it. Instead he looks even colder and more distant. I don't know if he cares or not. I am acting like I don't care if he cares.

He is complaining a lot about money though. It's expensive to keep a family and another apartment for himself (if he hasn't moved in with her but maybe he has) and his own social life and also OW's various meals and expenses. I am not going to needle him about it but reality of finances is getting him anxious.

I don't want to be so upset on the weekends anymore. I want to live peacefully. I think it's almost time to move back home. Not give up on M but to remove myself from this constant stress of being reminded that I was rejected, that I wasn't good enough, that he has someone else now and doesn't want me. It's getting me down and not healthy. If I remove myself at least I don't have to deal with him every weekend. Don't have to listen to his lies. Don't have to see if he is on time, cancelling, pis*ed off or whatever.

My patience if running thin. I am not so certain that he will come home. I am missing my H and ready to work on my M. But he is not even entertaining the idea. So what do I do?