It must be hard to come to all these conclusions after all this time. You do sound very rational. That's such an interesting thing for him to say, "I guess we have been apart too long." So passive. He had nothing to do with it. A function of time and distance....
Sara, Has he ever "played" a part in our break up? According to him, no. He once even had the nerve to tell me, "When you had me, if you had taken better care of me this would have never happened." Yes, I agree there was some neglect on my part, but honestly, he didn't give me the warm fuzzies either...
I was like million of other women. I had a fulltime job while trying to be a wife and mother. Throw in there that I didn't have any family living nearby to help me with the kids, it does become stressful.
Sorry to rant, but I guess I need to get this out of my system to be angry with him and stay that way.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I can only commend you for your patience with your H. I am just so sorry he has proven to be completely unworthy of your love and good will. The things he's said ... just go beyond any sane response.
But you will be fine -- of that I am sure.
I just want to add one more thing in comment:
Quote:
2) H has not fired OW/Secretary which tells me that: a) He values his business over his marriage/family.
This doesn't sound right to me -- I'm not sure how OW could be considered important to his business.
No, I'd say this would indicate he does not value either his business or his marriage/family. By carrying on this way, he is risking both, is he not?
NC, What I mean by that remark is he has often said that only "she" knows how to run the business. She knows everthing about the business and how it works.
One of his friends also owns a business. When my H first walked out on me he told this friend there was no one else. Well, eventually the truth came out. The friend's wife told me that when her H found out about OW/Secretary he told my H, "First of all you should have never got involved with another woman while you were married and especially not the secretary, you are really screwed." This was in reference to the business.
My way of thinking is that H thinks that the business couldn't function without his wonderful "secretary". We of course know she did not invent the job of a a secretary. EVERYONE is replaceable. That's why I think he values her and the business over our marriage/family.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I know you have spent a lot of time trying to figure out if he loved you or if he loved OW. I really think he only loves himself, and has no ability to love women at all. I even question the depth of love he has for your girls.
2) H has not fired OW/Secretary which tells me that: a) He values his business over his marriage/family.
This doesn't sound right to me -- I'm not sure how OW could be considered important to his business.
No, I'd say this would indicate he does not value either his business or his marriage/family. By carrying on this way, he is risking both, is he not?
By the way I do agree with your way of thinking, but he is not thinking clearly. He obviously thinks that by keeping her around the business will thrive. What he doesn't understand is:
1. Since I am 49% owner of the business, I will go after that. I have made myself clear on this. He keeps trying to scare me saying that I will also inherit half of the bills if I get half of the business. I don't see it that way. The business is self-sustaining. If anyone knows anything about this I would welcome your knowledge. My understanding is that a valuation will be made of the business with this including the debt. Whatever is left over is the value of the business. So this is why I say I would not pay the bills if he buys me out.
2. Let's say that the secretary gets mad at him, she knows way too much about the business. What he has left she could very well screw up.
He is playing with fire any way you look at it.
You know what they say about a scorned woman...In his case he risks two scorned women.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I know you have spent a lot of time trying to figure out if he loved you or if he loved OW. I really think he only loves himself, and has no ability to love women at all. I even question the depth of love he has for your girls.
Sara, It's sad, but I think that DD20 would agree with you. He has made her very bitter. When I say something like, "Your dad didn't used to be like this." She will most of the time say, "When was dad not gripey and withdrawn?"
I honestly can think of when he was family oriented, but what I think is a "MLC" really started when DD20 was around 15. It may have started earlier, but that is the time that comes to mind for me.
H always wanted the girls to behave perfectly when in public. Which for the most part they did, but if they did "slip" he was very stern with them. He did not seem to care if he embarassed them in front of friends.
I do know he will have a rude awakening with OW's 10 year old son. From what I hear from teachers at his school (some of them are my friends) he is a very rambunctious little boy and can be pretty annoying. H has told me before he doesn't like the little boy. Sad, isn't it? Doesn't H realize the son is part of the package?
Sara, you are correct that my H's behavior is very indicative of only loving himself.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Yoyo, you don't have anything to be ashamed of in my opinion! You know what feels right and you have to give your all before you make a decision that you feel will hurt your family. I know. Getting divorced is not fun; neither is being in limbo land, though. Just take your time and do what is best for YOU!
I know overall that I have nothing to be ashamed of except being a doormat. I tried to hold my family together. He is the one who should be ashamed of himself, but I have a feeling there is no shame on his part.
I know how hard you've struggled with your journey on this path...there is never shame in trying to spare your children pain. But one day, (and likely soon for us both), our own pain bleeds over onto our children, and then what have we accomplished? Certainly not what we had hoped...
You know Saffie, I have to look at this through others eyes. If this was a man doing this to one of my friends or heaven forbid one of my daughters I would think he was the scum of the earth. Honestly, I am ashamed that I have put up with it for so long. Therefore, I share very little with my nonvirtual friends. I know they would think I was crazy. I know I would and probably not want to have much to do with a person who has allowed a man to walk all over her like he has me.
As a matter of fact when we had our blowout in front of the OW I told him I prayed that our daughters never met a man like him. This did seem to play on his conscience some because that is when he hung is his head and apologized.
I want to apologize to all of my virtual friends on here for the spineless behavior I have exhibited. I also want to thank you all for giving me 2x4's and not shunning me. You all truly have been my lifeline.
I know overall that I have nothing to be ashamed of except being a doormat. I tried to hold my family together. He is the one who should be ashamed of himself, but I have a feeling there is no shame on his part
OK, you are thinking clearly now.
There is nothing to be scared of.
1. You will do better financially if you go after him and divorce.
2. You will, most likely, meet someone else who is very nice. I think you are a real catch, Yoyo. If you don't, it's better to be single than to be a "Yoyo" wife, or living with a man who is a tyrant.
3. You are saving your daughters. You are showing them what NOT to accept in a relationship. They will respect you more, and in turn, you will respect yourself.
