WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 4

[confusedinpa]

It was a very bad morning

I woke up early (6:30). The kids were still sleeping and so was my wife

I made cofee and was going to just relax for a bit but the kids woke up

I started making waffles for breakfast when she came down

I made extra waffles for her

While we were eating, I asked her how it went last nite with her cousin. It turned out she talked to her cousin during the day. She wound out going out with a lady from work whose husband had depression.

It was not a good story as she stayed with her husband through the years. It was a lot of bad things. Finally he committed suicide. A very sad story.

I know she is worried about my depression coming back.

I tried to shift gears by planning a fun activity for the family today. She seemed too stressed/depressed to even entertain the thought. She said she still had 3 hours of work she had to do and started to stress about all the house work

Of course I was dumb enough to keep pressing trying to do something fun/different. She snapped and said that she doesn't want to do anything fun and wants me to start thinking about how to separate.

I told her I know what she wants and she knows what I want. Even with this stuff going on, I am still looking to live/enjoy life. I would love for her to enjoy it with us (me and the boys) but if she doesn't want to participate, I'm still going to do it

She said she is really starting to get frustrated as she had been working with me but is getting to the point where she is going to stop being nice. I told her I know she has stopped trying to fine a reason to change her mind. I said someday I would like to know why if she wants to share it. I told her I'm still trying to work on the relationship and she knows why

Fortunately it was time to take my boys to soccer so we had to stop talking about the relationship

I'm so bad at avoiding these relationship talks

When she started to talk about moving forward with the separation, I don't know how to ju-jit-su away from a relationship talk

I could really use some suggestions

[confusedinpa]

I wound up taking my boys to soccer without my wife. I told her that I would likely take them to the gym or the park with me after so she would have some extra time to finish the work she still had to do.

She wound up calling me twice while I was at the gym - my cell was in my locker so I didn't get the call. Perhaps that was a good thing.

Anyway, on the way home from the gym, I called her back. She wanted to know when we would be back as she was starting to get hungry. We wound up going for a nice lunch as a family.

When we got home, she wound up on the internet (Ebay'ing) while my youngest napped and I played video games with my oldest. After an hour or so, I went to pull our summer stuff (it was 60 degrees today) out of the shed. Then I woke up our youngest from his nap. The 2 boys and I cleaned/vacuumed both the cars and the garage. She even brought out a beer for me - she saw I finished the one I had and asked me if I wanted another one.

She made us a nice dinner and we even wound up joking about our "hook up" on Thursday nite. After the kids went to bed, I told her I was going to watch Fireproof and asked if she still wanted to watch it like she had said a few weeks ago. She said she would.

During the movie, she said that it really hit close to home. She didn't cry, but I could tell she was getting a little upset/mad maybe? We watched just about the first hour (up to day 18 of the love dare). She got up and said good nite. It was almost 10PM (during the week we had been going to bed at 9:30) and she was tired from being out with her girlfriend until 11:00 PM last nite. She said I could finish watching it if I wanted to, but I told her I would like to finish watching it with her tomorrow nite. She said she would.

Fortunately she didn't bring up any of the moving forward with the separation talk so I didn't have to figure out a way to ju-jit-su out of it. I'm still looking for some help on how to not get sucked into a relationship talk when she brings that up.

She did make a couple of comments during the movie.

First was about the flowers (I think that was day 3 of the Love dare - "investing" in your wife). She said I had brought flowers 6 times in the last 2 months. She counted them off - first was a day after she hit me with the bomb (I got her a dozen roses with a card saying I was sorry). Then we went on 2 date nites and I got her a single rose on the first date, and a small bundle for the second date. Then I got her a bundle for V'day, then her B'day and finally my "Kenny Rogers" rose/move.

I didn't realize she was keeping count...... 6 in 2 months sounds like a lot, but if you drop out V'Day and B'day, guess that's not too bad...... I know way too much pursuing...

She did make a comment about the Love Dare book - as when it got to day 2, she asked if this was the same as the Love Dare book we looked at in Target. I told her I really didn't remember that. She seemed frustrated about it. I asked her how far back that was. She said it was over the last couple of months. She seemed to be getting really annoyed. I appologized as I had been looking/reading so many books lately, I really didn't remember looking at books at Target.

Then she reminded me that we were there right after we saw the 20/20 on love chemistry (I forget the name of the book, but it was about the 4 types of people, builders, explorers, and a couple of others). I remembered at that point but I could tell she was annoyed I didn't remember. That is something I can easily say whatever about - as she has a memory of an elephant.

I told her that I will look it up on the internet to find out some more.

So she went up to bed, I gave her a kiss on the check good nite and she's in the spare bedroom.

Oh well, whatever....

I could really use some suggestions how to avoid the relationship talk when she starts talking about moving forward with the separation....

[confusedinpa]

The Nice Guy book is pretty scary. I was never that type before (you can ask all my friends and people who worked for me). I see that's what I've become. I'm about half way through it and I'm really freaked out what has happened to me.

Same for me. For some reason, serious relationships would bring out the worst in me. Maybe they just trigger all the defense mechanisms I learned as a child?

I am still not really a full blown NG, but in my M, and especially with regards to settling for little or bad sex, I certainly fit the profile. Don't be afraid of the material. Identifying your "control patterns" is a huge step forward towards being a better person.

Spellfire,

I've gotten to about page 150 of the No More Mr. Nice Guy Book - I'll probably finish it tonite as my wife went to bed at 10PM (in the spare bedroom) and I really can't sleep yet.

I would if she was sleeping in our bed like she had the first 7.5 weeks. She started sleeping in the spare bedroom last Tuesday. Not sure what triggered it, perhaps it was pull back after the B'day intimacy. We hadn't talked much of that nite, but we have joked a few times about our Thursday nite "hook up". Perhaps her push for the separation this morning was part of her pull back from the Thursday nite "hook up". Don't know what to make of it.

Sorry to digress. I just got past the sex/"bad sex" section of the No More Mr. Nice Guy book. It's scary that I see reflections in that section. My wife and I had talked a few times about the "issue" (semi-hard/soft erection with ejaculation) I had from the Thursday nite "hook up". I think it hurts her feelings and makes her feel bad about what happened. What do you think of sharing that section with my wife?

I do appreciate all your support and insight.

[spellfire]

No don't share that book with her, and don't worry about that one time deal, you are under a lot of stress with the situation right now.

[confusedinpa]

My wife is very grumpy - I know, I need to detach my feelings from her.

I had a pretty good afternoon though. We had gone for a nice brunch/lunch down in Chinatown for dim sum. We hadn't done that in over 5 years. Good food and the kids did a great job. She seemed to enjoy herself as well. Then we went grocery shopping. Unfortunately our 3 year old had a melt down, so that pushed her back into the grumpy side. When we got home, she wound up doing her work while I vacuumed and put our youngest to nap. I then went out to play basketball and bike ride with my 7 year old. She came out a couple of times to see what we were doing, but didn't say much.

I came in to grab a beer when she came down wearing one of my old dress shirts. She had just finished cleaning the bathrooms and was about to color her hair. I thought it she looked pretty nice in it so I paid her a compliment (it's part of my 180 as I never used to give her any verbal compliments).

She rolled her eyes and said "Just stop it." I could tell she was agitated. I didn't say anything and thought whatever.

I really think she's completely given up on the relationship and is now just focused on trying to move out.

We have another counseling appointment tomorrow nite and we're suppose to finish watching Fireproof tonite.

I'm thinking what I'm doing is not working anymore and need to change something. I don't want to go dark or do last resort move as that will reinforce that my changes were really temporary. I'm worried that her conversation with her friend who's husband made their lives miserable with his depression just to ultimately commit suicide is worrying her - also she talked to one of my friends who is actually pro-divorce last Friday as well. I hadn't had a chance to call my friend to find out how the coversation went, but will on Monday.

Perhaps this is just part of the roller coaster ride. Or it really is her backslide back to when she signed the divorce papers.

Any ideas??!?!?

[confusedinpa]

No don't share that book with her, and don't worry about that one time deal, you are under a lot of stress with the situation right now.

That's actually what she said when it happened last Thursday nite. She said she know's I feel a lot of pressure/stress. As part of the follow up conversations, she did ask if it ever happened with anyone else. I know it's bugging her....

[confusedinpa]

We wound up finishing the Fireproof video tonite. She wound up crying at the end

I thought it was a good sign but then her anger came out unstead. She said it was cruel to watch a video that hit so close to home with the person who treated her the same way. Ouch. I tried to validate and be compassionate but then she went on to press about the custody agreement and moving out.

She said she was frustrated that I wasn't thinking about what she wanted and felt ignored/disrespected.

The she said that she doesn't think the if even if we both tried, the relationship wouldn't work. She said that she stills sees me as the person who hurt/angered her and made her feel unloved.

She started to make threats that if I didn't help to figure out a custody agreement and a way to get seperated, she would just leave. I'm trying to balance keeping her in the house vs helping her leave

I feel like there is no good move

Please help!

[confusedinpa]

It was a odd morning.

It started the same as it has the last several weeks. She was still acting nice. That justt the way she is, even when she's mad.

That has been part of the problem with our relationship. I can never tell when she is really mad/upset and letting it pent up inside her. She has in the past had her emotional breakdowns (crying) but would stop after a bit and tell me she was ok when I asked her.

My mistake had been that I didn't know how to deal with her crying so I would give her space. Apparently, she wanted me to run after her and comfort her (now she tells me). She feels since I didn't, I didn't care or love her and made her feel emotionally abandoned. This resentment just built up over time to "kill" her love for me.

Before I left for work, she did come to give me a hug and asked me to crack her back. I did, but did not try to give her a kiss on the check (first time I didn't kiss her in the morning). I know I lingered too long in the hug, I really need to work on breaking away first.

We're suppose to have a counseling session tonite. We hadn't talk about it so I'm not sure if she will still be going. I'll find out tonite whether her mom shows up to watch the kids or not. I'm going either way because I do need some help.

I'm really at a quandry here. I know I need to give her what she wants as that is suppose to be the purest form of expressing love. I'm just afraid that all it will do then is add pain to the lives of my kids.

I feel so alone...

[confusedinpa]

Don't know what to make of it, other than it's just her typical confusing "nice" fashion.

My wife copied me on an email she sent to all our contacts (she normally handles these types of things) where we had decided to cancel our home phone and just go with our cell phone (trying to cut back on some costs).

I waited about 10 minutes and forwarded an article I saw this morning regarding her company merging with another company just with the comment "You might have seen this already...."

She emailed back right away saying she got the announcement this morning but then asked me how my day was going.

I really want to respond how does she expect my day is going - my wants wants to leave and can't give our relationship another chance.

I also thought about just asking if she was planning on going to counseling tonite, but don't want to pressure her.

I know she's just being nice, but I would almost wish she would just be "mean". Thing is she doesn't seem to have a median. She is either really nice or can be really harsh when she is mean.

I tried to schedule time to talk to my DB coach, but couldn't get a time worked out till tomorrow. I'll have to call one of my friends...

[stillloveshim]

Hello Confused,
This roller coast....really sucks huh? I hate it.
But I'm assuming you've read Divorce Remedy?
Sounds like you need to be in LRT...
Remember, no matter how dark it gets, do not give up hope.
Also: Do not believe anything she says right now and only 50% of what she does.