I spent all day yesterday doing stuff with the boys and then taking care of everyone else because my W was sick in bed all day. This morning, I took all 3 boys to church while she stayed home because she was feeling better, but still not that well. While I was at church we made plans to go biking. When I got home, I got the boys bikes out, and went in to tell my W AND SHE THREW A FIT.
She yelled, called me selfish for excluding her from the plans and trying to trap her in the house more, said "Maybe I want to go". I told her she was invited to come, but she did not want to take our youngest out of the house at naptime, which meant that only one of us could go out with the older boys and the other adult had to stay at home. Suddenly she was feeling better and was bound and determined that I would be the one to stay home.
She gets like this. She asks for space, but that seems to be defined as me staying at home and taking care of things here so that she can go out and have fun (and otherwise not bothering her). If I give her space by taking the boys and going and doing something fun, then I am "being selfish", "thinking only of myself" and "excluding her".
She was still showering when I got home, but when she thought I was going to leave and go without her she finished and got dressed faster than I have ever seen her do it and came charging out angrily.
So they all just went for a "bike ride" - in the end I backed off and let her go with them.
I think she is not used to me being decisive and making plans. In the past, I would have not made any plans without consulting with her first (this is the polite and considerate thing to do) -- and then been resentful when I found that she already had a full day planed that often excluded me - play dates with her friends and their kids, birthday parties, etc. She still expects me to plan completely around her and what she wants to do, but it is not a 2-way street. My GAL change - doing a lot more away from the house, spending more time with the boys, spending more time on myself and therefore not being always available - is threatening her world.
She is also feeling competition with me over the kids. I have noticed that as she has become more completely withdrawn from me, she is getting more and more affectionate with the boys and more and more jealous of anything fun that I do with them. She wants me to carry a full share of the child care workload (and I do) and to be available to stay at home with the boys whenever she wants to go out, but doesn't want to share the fun stuff and increasingly seems to be trying to compete with me for their affection.
On one hand, this could be a bad thing -- a sign that she is mentally preparing herself for a D. On the other hand, maybe it is a good thing that she is getting angry and yelling a bit. It is more open emotion than I have seen her show in a while.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
