Newly Seperated - What To Do?

[Uncool Cat]

Thanks for the advice puppy. This is something I'm definately going to discuss with my coach. Here's why I'm a little hesitant about the housework and moving back in.

There's always two points of view. I feel like my W would say I'm lazy around the house. Also, she is the quiet less outgoing of the two of us. I'm the outgoing one with the tendancy to yell. In many ways stiffining up, moving back home, and laying off all the chores would be the easy thing for me to do.

I have a tendancy to wear my heart on my sleave. When I went to "the other councelor" I found out that she was attracted to me because of my sensativity, but at that point it was driving her crazy. I can be this walking contradiction which I'm sure is hard to live with.

I'm a 6'7" ex college basketball player. Yet I also majored in English (I know a poem or two). I used to think this made me pretty attractive to women. Now it just seems to get in the way. There are times when I'm a man and I'm angry, but the times that seem to drive her the most crazy are when I cry in front of her etc. - something she never does in front of me - not even when times were good.

I don't know. I'm just blabbering at this point.

Also, I'm hesitating about moving home because almost everyone except my best friend (who has gone through this and remarried his wife), and my coach have told me that moving back in something I should think about. One of the things the DR said was that sometimes the logical thing doesn't achieve the goal you wanted.

I do appreciate all the responses. I'm grateful for this place.

[song]

UC,

Sorry that you are in the sitch you are, but happy that you found this site - especially as early in the process as you are. It sounds like you are doing a good job of DB'ing and have a PMA, so keep up the good work. I've been going through a similar sitch for almost 10 months, but didn't start DBing until January of this year, so I have a lot of work to do. Check out my threads because there is some excellent advice posted that would apply to your sitch. Seems that us LBS's have a lot in common, and the WAW's all follow the same script.

[Uncool Cat]

Song,

I read your story. I agree, lots of similarities. I hope I can find some of those good signs. I'm just trying to figure out what to look for, and more importantly, how to get there.

I am soooo impatient, and she seems to be able to wait forever. She doesn't even mention our marriage at all. But I'm doing everything I can not to call, not to check the temprature, not to even discuss the relatonship unless she brings it up. So far she hasn't.

I'm sitting alone in a hotel room right now. I'd love for her to be here...

At this point I'm pondering some kind of apartment. I live with my dad right now, which stinks so bad I can't describe. She has said in the past that I was afraid of being alone. No, I don't want to be alone, but it's better than dad's place and it may show some strength and that I want to move on (a little 180 action...maybe). I don't know.

[DrHemlock]

Right there with you. I started out pre-DB doing everything completely wrong and, having read DB and DR, still find an infinity of ways to pressure and backslide. I'm getting better at the upbeat tone, though, and the GAL -- I start a new volunteer gig in a week, very meaningful to me for personal reasons.

I totally agree with Puppy on the "soft place to fall" and the enabling girlfriend(s). I can name the soft place and I can name the girlfriend in my sit.

Still got my Nice Guy mojo working, but I'm restraining it -- I won't give it up because that would be more like a 270. She'd never buy it. For example, this morning I was up earlier than she was. So I made coffee -- enough for me. She wanted some; she made it herself. I tidy up the house, but I live in the house and the kids live in the house, and NOT tidying up the house was one of W's (more minor) beefs.

It all feels very phony, to be sure. But whatever it takes. If the fight matters to you, then you gotta leave it all out on the field.

[DrHemlock]

Song is spot-on with that one. I'd venture to guess that the board admins could simply collect up several hundred posts and publish LBS for Dummies and WAS for Dummies. The patterns are always remarkably the same. Which means you'll hear (as I do) remarkably similar advice across topics.

Which means it can be worth paying attention to.

(And I'll start practicing what I preach just as soon as I cure cancer and send a man to Mars....)

[song]

UC and Dr.H,

It's really surreal how so many of us can be going through the exact same scenarios, yet before the bomb, not even a clue that anything was wrong. If there is one thing that keeps me from totally beating myself up, it's knowing that I'm not in a unique situation.

I hate that you are going through this, but at least we have each other to commiserate. I do believe that this type of support is what will get us through this, and will also give each of us the best chance for restoring our marriages. Strength in numbers. I'll be praying for you.

[spellfire]

Sorry I didn't respond, got busy. Looks like you got some good advice regardless. I'll try to check in another time.

[Can it work]

I'd like to take this opportunity to add my wee bit to the discussion. Yet another LBS. I posted on your thread in the WAS section UC. It is a bit uncanny how many of our sitches seem so similar.

I've just been to my W's new house for the first time today and it's upset me quite a lot. She just seemed so settled that my whole DBing journey suddenly seemed completely futile. I know that the support we all get on here lifts our spirits though so I'm so glad I found it. I've also got my first session with a DB coach tomorrow evening so I'm hoping that helps a bit. I just can't think of anything she can possibly tell me which will help though. I'm no expert so I hope that I'm wrong.

Stick with it UC and keep on posting. We'll all help each other get through this as best as we can. I'm sure we'll all agree that our W's are crazy. One day they might all snap out of it. We can but hope.

Keep smiling.

Kev

[Still Waters]

Hey Uncool, we're somewhat alike. I'm an ex college football player who majored in English!

Anyway, I've been at this DBing stuff since November and it does get easier. The first three months were hell, but I've finally reached a point where I feel pretty good. The key was getting to a point where I could really detach and focus on myself.

Things like getting a new job (that pays more), getting into great shape, getting a social life, all help so much. Because right now, all we can control is ourselves. I really believe that there is nothing we can say or do to bring our spouses back to us. They're off on their own messed-up journeys, and all we can do is take care of ourselves so that IF they come back, we're ready.

But it takes SO long to really learn that lesson. I heard it from the DR book and from people on here right away, and I understood what they were saying. But it took months before I really got it AND lived it.

For me, after I discovered and exposed my W's affair (and she refused to try to work on our R) is when I was able to drop the rope. There were a few fits and starts, but now I really have let go. I don't contact her, I don't monitor her phone or email, and my focus is on me.

Lately I've been working extra hours to save up money to go on a long 4-week long trip to southeast Asia and China with a couple of my friends. And I'm not even going to tell my W about it. Not a peep. And it feels really good. A few months ago I would be on the phone telling my W all about my plans, hoping she'd be impressed. Which is the wrong way to think. I'm doing this for one person only. Me.

[Uncool Cat]

Thanks for all the responses everyone. They are helpful. As everyone has said, I hate it that you are going through what I am because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I am grateful for the responses, and frankly a little amazed that people take the time to read about our situations. Still Waters, I hope you have as great time in China. I would love to go almost anywhere outside the US. I just haven't had the time or the money. You should feel proud. I'll be glad when I get to that point.

I'll give you all a quick update. I don't have long to write, so I stress quick. I had a conference to attend this weekend, so I wasn't able to keep the boys as usual. I asked W if I could see them Sunday afternoon. It wouldn't be easy to take them to my dad's place, so I asked if I could visit there. She agreed. I thought she would go running, but when I arrived, I septic repair man was blocking the drive. We ended up with a $3000 septic repair bill (joy).

Anyway, she ended up staying the whole time I was there - this had to do with the septic man blocking the drive. She seemed cold and seemed to try to avoid me. This was no big surprise, but after a while I just wanted to get out of there. It was difficult to enjoy the boys even though she was trying to stay away from me. I don't really expect her to want to talk to me, but after a couple of hours of the blizzard treatment, I just can't take it anymore and I want to leave.

Also, at that particular time I was having a weak moment. I thought, "We haven't talked in almost 20 days. Surely she must have something to say to me. Something she wan't to get off her chest." I also thought that it would be a good idea to try to work something about about sharing the house. I wanted to talk about that. Therefore, I asked her to call me after the kids were down.

Thankfully, in the interum, my friend called. He has gone through this and knows the ropes. He calmed me down and convinced me not to talk about these issues with her. He does have a little different mindset. He's not a DB guy, but he has gone through other programs and been successful. He told me to tell her that I missed her and I was thinking about her. He told me no sad voice inflections, no down and out tone of voice. He also told me not to expect anything.

I'm not really sure if he was right, but I had asked her to call. I needed to have some reason. So when she called, I mustered up as much positive energy as I could and told her I missed her. Her reation was, "OK."

I probably shouldn't have said this. I'm going to do my best not to make this mistake again. All I really did was make myself feel bad. Moving on...lesson learned.

I'm going to try to focus on me this week. I'm starting an exercise routine, and I'm going to pitch some songs to a producer friend of mine. Don't worry you won't hear my acoustic blues on the radio anytime soon.

I have written much longer than I intended. Take care everyone and keep up the DB.