You're back to "he's nice" for the moment. What do you think will happen next?
He hasn't shown you the ONE needful thing: respect for you by getting rid of OW from his life, completely.
And even if he fires her, you are going to need assurances that he isn't sneaking around talking to her or seeing her, which means complete TRANSPARENCY in email and phone communication.
Do you think for even one minute he'll accept that and let you check on him?
Given his recurring behavior I think he won't.
And I think you'll never rest easy unless he shows YOU a 180 degree turn. He hasn't even moved a couple of degrees.
You said you want him to start treating you better.
Really? Ok try this on for size...
This is what you convey: fire the OW, never contact her again or recieve contact from her, and provide complete transparency of your phone and email records so that I can trust you. Oh yes, and move back in.
Yoyo, You have the patience of a Saint and I know you want to wait it out BUT as long as OW is in the picture; he will never truly belong to you again.
Every day he goes into that office it is like an alcoholic sitting at a bar and trying not to drink. Each time he gets annoyed at you -- boom he is back with her.
Every time he is nice to you; OW is saying that he is detached from you.
Every time he is nice to OW; you are saying he is detached from you.
Is that why you chose "yoyo" which is what H is doing.
We support you and I know you have a great chance at being a success story.
You need to fight the battle to win the war. No contact, go dark. Tell him that you are trying to preserve the love you still have for him by not seeing him because of OW. I have some good examples of these letters.
Look at your first post on this thread at Christms time when you were excited about H giving you SUV. You thought that he was finally coming back and it turned into more of the same.
We care about you. Really. I know I do my best when I get those 2x4s sometimes.
Take care...
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Yoyo, just checking in on you. hope you are doing ok.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I'm doing okay. I've just been doing lots of soul searching. I've come to these conclusions.
1) H can't be trusted. He's proved that time and time again. Lying has become second nature to him. I have no proof that he is lying to me about anything now, but he isn't being even "translucent" at this time, much less transparent.
2) H has not fired OW/Secretary which tells me that: a) He values his business over his marriage/family. b) He still has an addiction to her c) Both (This is the answer I choose)
3) H finds so many faults with me that must be changed before he is willing to come home, yet does not agree to remedy any of his faults. He wants me to get rid of the 2 dogs, ummmm... how about the dog he has working for him????
I talked to H briefly Saturday night and told him I thought that divorce was the best choice for us. He said he tried but he just doesn't have feelings for me. His words were "I guess we have been apart too long." I'm okay, I've come to realize that I'm worth more than what he makes me feel like.
I'm not saying that I wouldn't be open to reconciling our marriage, but without him also working on the marriage, I don't see a chance for us. He would have to work on the issues I listed above, which we all know will not happen.
As many of you know I have accepted him back so many times. Yes, I've told him that I wouldn't be in a marriage with three people, but I haven't really pushed the issue. They are just words and he sees that.
I've been afraid of divorce and being alone. I've even been afraid of the legal proceedings to be honest with you. I realize this is not healthy for me or my girls. I've got to regain control of my life.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
It must be hard to come to all these conclusions after all this time. You do sound very rational. That's such an interesting thing for him to say, "I guess we have been apart too long." So passive. He had nothing to do with it. A function of time and distance....
I am afraid I see red when I read the "He said he tried but he just doesn't have feelings for me."
Yeah, he really tried. He came round for booty calls whenever he felt like it....that really sounds like a man who doesn't have feelings. If he REALLY doesn't have feelings then he was a dog for doing that. You deserve more than a new SUV even if it has all the bells and whistles on it. He has treated you like an object he owns. He never liked it when he thought other guys were showing interest in you yet he would never commit himself.
At this moment in time I hold your H in very low regard. He should put that roadkill back on his head and go out and see what else he can pull. What a complete A$$ he has made of himself.
Yoyo, you go for what he owes you and your daughters. You have acted like the lady you are throughout all of this and he has shown what a complete dick head he is.
(((((HUGS))))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I am afraid I see red when I read the "He said he tried but he just doesn't have feelings for me."
Yeah, he really tried. He came round for booty calls whenever he felt like it....that really sounds like a man who doesn't have feelings. If he REALLY doesn't have feelings then he was a dog for doing that. You deserve more than a new SUV even if it has all the bells and whistles on it. He has treated you like an object he owns. He never liked it when he thought other guys were showing interest in you yet he would never commit himself.
At this moment in time I hold your H in very low regard. He should put that roadkill back on his head and go out and see what else he can pull. What a complete A$$ he has made of himself.
Yoyo, you go for what he owes you and your daughters. You have acted like the lady you are throughout all of this and he has shown what a complete dick head he is.
(((((HUGS))))))
You know Saffie, I have to look at this through others eyes. If this was a man doing this to one of my friends or heaven forbid one of my daughters I would think he was the scum of the earth. Honestly, I am ashamed that I have put up with it for so long. Therefore, I share very little with my nonvirtual friends. I know they would think I was crazy. I know I would and probably not want to have much to do with a person who has allowed a man to walk all over her like he has me.
As a matter of fact when we had our blowout in front of the OW I told him I prayed that our daughters never met a man like him. This did seem to play on his conscience some because that is when he hung is his head and apologized.
I want to apologize to all of my virtual friends on here for the spineless behavior I have exhibited. I also want to thank you all for giving me 2x4's and not shunning me. You all truly have been my lifeline.
I know overall that I have nothing to be ashamed of except being a doormat. I tried to hold my family together. He is the one who should be ashamed of himself, but I have a feeling there is no shame on his part.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
