My first step out of Newcomers

[Can it work]

I've just done something which has really knocked me back a bit. I had to drop Wee Man off at my W's new house. That's the first time I've actually seen it and it wasn't a nice experience. The house is nice enough, don't get me wrong. It was just the feeling I got when I went in and saw that it was so homely and my W seemed so comfortable there. She was sitting in her pyjamas and watching the TV we bought together only a couple of months ago. Everywhere I looked there were photos of her family and loads of Wee Man. Nowhere to be seen though was any evidence that she'd ever been married. In my house there's still wedding photos all over the place. Realistically, I never expected any but it's so hard to think that she's just shut her door on that part of her life.

I really hope that my session with a DB coach tomorrow night gives me some good advice. I just can't stop myself doubting that there's anything I can do now. My W just seems lost to me and I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it. I can only pray that I'm wrong.

One of the main problems I can see is that my W has som much love around her. She has a huge family who live locally and loads of really close friends who are always there for her. The love I have for her seems surplus to requirements now. I'm different though. I have very little close family living locally and my friends seem unavailable a lot of the time unless I want to go out drinking with them every night. That's just not me any more. Back when I was young and single it was what I would've done but I've grown out of it since I met my W. That's maybe one of the reasons she doesn't love me any more. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a different person now. I just felt it was a necessity to grow out of that style of life since I was a H and a father. I have been going out more since my W left me but I don't enjoy it the same any more. Does that mean I can't be the man my W wants me to be? She seems to enjoy partying now than she ever did. That's a horrible thought. I know that right now I'm in a bad state of mind and these thoughts are just stemming from that. I don't know how I'm going to get to the stage where things like this don't set me back but I suppose that's where the DB coach comes in.

On a positive note, I still managed to act 'as if' all the time I was at her house and even managed to help myself to a cup of tea. She'd gone back to her cold exterior which wasn't nice but I never let it show that I was bothered. At least I'm still managing that ok. The part of DBing where I'm doing worst right now is my PMA. Life goes on though. I only hope that the future brings me back to happiness.

Kev