I'm looking forward to my first dinner alone with my W - albeit at home - tomorrow. She said no alcohol, because she knows she'll get horny if she drinks two glasses of wine. She didn't say it, but she didn't have to. I will do my best to not bring up our R, just the stuff she put in the invitation she left me. Hope I have good news. It's been just a few weeks since I've been in my mancave, but I'm hoping there is some thawing that I will detect.
Well, dinner was canceled due to our D17 falling behind on her homework which was confirmed to me from one of her teachers this morning and D13 who was supposed to stay over a friend's house tonight. My W was waiting for her where she was supposed to get off the bus and she wasn't on it. So they are both grounded until they turn 21! I have a new issue I need some help with. My W is very close to my SIL ( my brother's wife) who's in Florida. My W wants to go with our Ds to my niece's ( my SIL's D from a previous marriage) college graduation down there in early May. My W did mention to me she wanted to go, but didn't mention anything about me going. I talked to my SIL today about it and she said my W told her all of us could go together. Before I heard this, I sent her an e-mail saying I didn't want my W going because if we do D, she has to realize there would be consequences, among them losing the friendship of my SIL. She would be enabling my W into thinking nothing would change. I would like it if we went as a family, but I am dead set against her going with just our Ds. My SIL understood my position, but she suggested I bring the subject up at our dinner, which of course, was canceled. My W calls my SIL often, and she lets me know what's on my W's mind and her state of mind.
Well, me and my W did have that talk, but it didn't get very far. As far as privacy, she asked if I would find a place to stay one night about every other weekend so she could have a quiet night at home with our Ds and/or have some friends over. She said she would reciprocate for for me. She would not feel comfortable knowing I was downstairs even if I stayed down here and kept a low profile. I told her I couldn't think of a situation where I would invite any friends over to have a get together, not to mention asking her to leave for the night. We have decided to go Florida together with our Ds to my niece's graduation. It's not for 2 months, so I guess we'll still be together in some way. My SIL there told me if she hadn't moved down there, she is sure she and my W would be best friends, even if we were to D. Our Ds have a lot of resentment towards my W. She asked my D13 to write a diary and then she read it and was very upset at what she read. She wanted me to read it, which I didn't want to do, but since she already had, I figured I was going to find out 1 way or the other.My D was/is upset that my W read it and now she doesn't trust her mother. That's enough for now.
Well, me and my W did have that talk, but it didn't get very far. As far as privacy, she asked if I would find a place to stay one night about every other weekend so she could have a quiet night at home with our Ds and/or have some friends over. She said she would reciprocate for for me. She would not feel comfortable knowing I was downstairs even if I stayed down here and kept a low profile. I told her I couldn't think of a situation where I would invite any friends over to have a get together, not to mention asking her to leave for the night. We have decided to go Florida together with our Ds to my niece's graduation. It's not for 2 months, so I guess we'll still be together in some way. My SIL there told me if she hadn't moved down there, she is sure she and my W would be best friends, even if we were to D. Our Ds have a lot of resentment towards my W. She asked my D13 to write a diary and then she read it and was very upset at what she read. She wanted me to read it, which I didn't want to do, but since she already had, I figured I was going to find out 1 way or the other.My D was/is upset that my W read it and now she doesn't trust her mother. That's enough for now.
Tell your wife that is your home and you don't need to find a place every other week to sleep over. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, she wants out of the relationship and she thinks she can ask you for favors and I don't care if she wants to reciprocate.
Obviously don't be an ass when you talk to her about it but if she wants privacy, she can go out of the house. As far as privacy with your daughters, again she can go out.
Seriously what's next, you left the master bedroom, now you're living in the "man-cave" (I'm glad you think it's funny, I think it's degrading) and now she wants you to leave the house and stay out over night every now & then so she can have quiet time without you in the house and then what, a weekend every now & then so that she can have another cave man over for some company.
Stand up for yourself bro, no more door mat behavior, it's ok to say no to stuff you don't agree to.
I did say no to her about having the house to herself with or without the girls. I told her that it's just as much mine as it is her's. I held back from asking " If I say no, what are you gonna do - divorce me?" As I said, our talk didn't get much farther than that. I did tell her I was not leaving this house even if she serves me. I will buy her out. I don't think she realizes I only have to buy half the house. We're still supposed to see a mediator this Friday. I'm hoping she will then realize all the ramifications of a D.
OK, went to the divorce mediator the other day. She explained the process to us. Asked us if there were any questions. I asked, "what if someone changes their mind"? My W later told me she didn't appreciate my asking because as far as she's concerned there is no chance of reconciling. She said I'm clueless, I don't get it, can't accept reality. She has been in psychotherapy for 5 months and she says I can't catch up to her emotionally and she can't wait even if I could. She wants to move on and that's it. She said I should have asked her what was bothering her years ago. Whenever I did, she said nothing was wrong. She can't accept that our Ds want her out of the house. I told her the reason is looking at her in the mirror. She has everything figured out and I am clueless.
Also in the meeting with the mediator, I mentioned marriage counseling. We have not gone together yet. I have seen one about 4 times, but he said he couldn't do much without the W. She went once to him and made it clear that the M was over. So she will not go if the purpose is reconciliation. I think the solution is communication, she thinks it's D.
Letterman: Our sitch's have a lot of similar features.
My W "isn't" having an A according to her, and I want to believe it, but on the other hand I can see the points that whatdidido has made are in the realm of possibility for my W, so there you are: six of one, half-dozen of the other.
My W might be; she might not be. In either case, I have to let it go -- can't control her.
I disagree with robx on the master bedroom thing. For months I've been sleeping in my office because when we were M I slept in my office whenever I had telecommuting meetings overseas -- didn't want my alarm (which has to be LOUD) to wake W.
So in my sitch this isn't doing anything I didn't do before. Sure, I could 180 and make HER sleep in the office, but then I'd have to kick her out at 4 in the morning to do my work -- as Michele writes, would that get me closer to my goal or farther from it? I think farther.
So you're clueless, eh? Welcome to the club. We're ALL clueless here -- that's why we're DB'ing for our marriages. Because if we WEREN'T clueless we would have just gone along with the D and given them what they want and blah-dee-blah. Because "having a clue" in THEIR vocabulary means "agree with me."
So stay clueless. Keep up on DR. I keep a notebook in my pocket at all times, just to stay on top. When the phone rings and the caller i.d. says its W, first thing I do is check the notebook. If it's school hours, I answer (school calls mom first if something wrong, no matter how many times dads ask); if after hours, let the machine.
I think it's best for me to stay where I am too because it gives us both the space we need, although she says not enough. Days go by without contact. She also asked if we could switch weekends ( or one night ) staying out of the house. She wants to have alone time with our Ds and maybe have some friends over. I said maybe we can just plan ahead to stay out late that night to give each other the space.
Went to visit my BIL and his wife today after visiting my MIL yesterday. I have no problem talking with them about my situation. Of course I realize that they are going to defend my W's side but they also understand where I'm coming from. They said I didn't act the right way when I got bombed. They were telling me to give my W distance and I didn't listen. They are right. I made the same mistakes most other folks here did also by getting too clingy, insecure ect...They are more worried about our Ds coming thru this OK. They would like to see us stay together, but realize that decision isn't up to me. I'm lucky there is no animosity between us.
