To the mother ship: WHEN DO I GET MY HUSBAND BACK?

[Sanderika]

Good morning sunshine,

One thing we have a hard time learning is "no contact".

In my sitch from Aug 05 to about Feb 06 (6 months) my H was also unable to talk with me nor did he want to. To him I was the most evil person to ever cross his path.

At the beginning I too begged pleaded and cried on my hands and knees at his feet (and I am not kidding here, this is true). After a short while I realized that he was not one bit compassionate about us or where we had found ourselves. In fact he was actually looking at me as a pitiful soul and one to be completely disregarded forever! You see, he was done with us. At the beginning they all go through this and it lasts longer for some than others, it really all depends on the circumstances surrounding the separation and demise of the marriage. It also, as in my case was heavily driven by my H MLC.

The year before my H left was very bad around here. 11 months before my H left he was burned in a propane explosion and that took a toll on his own fear about his mortality. 2 weeks after the explosion he lost his mother to cancer. We found out she had cancer in July 04 and she died Oct 04. At the same time I was watching a very dear aunt die of cancer and we lost her in Jun 05. ADD all of this to my own issues with depression and we had a very bad year. My H couldn't run away fast enough once he decided to go. I do believe that he was also becoming depressed and that scared the he!! out of him. In his eyes the only answer was to leave and never look back, which he tried very hard to do.

Once I realized my H was serious about not coming back I did a 360 in about 30 days. I changed my style considerably. I had help losing weight with the stress (that D diet). I decided if I had a snowballs chance in he!! to get him back I would have to change. I immediately started to treat H nicely (at first he thought is was all an act and phony) BUT after a VERY long period of time and I mean a VERY long time he realized the changes were real and were here to stay. H started to like me again and admits that we aren't D today because of all the changes I made and am consistant.

NOW, with that being said...my H is still with the same OW he left me for...

I am going to remain consistant in my behavior towards H. I DO NOT CONTACT HIM EVER. This learned behavior does not happen over night. You gradually become better at the "no contact". I can say I haven't contacted him now for about a year.

Some LBS wonder....If there is no contact how does he know me and see the changes here...I have pondered this many times myself. In my case my H seems to always be watching me. I also had time for him to see the changes. We own a company together and we worked together until March of last year. I feared that once I was out of the company H would never see me again, not true...it took him about 15 days to make contact with me. And H has continued contact ever since. It comes and goes though. I will get lots of contact and attention for about 6-8 weeks and then he runs again. It's like he gets too close and gets scared.

IMO, you should work harder to maintain the "no contact". Make your mind up to do it and sit and watch. You and your H have a S(18) and at some point H will make contact. Does your S live with you? If so, even better. Let your H be...

Meanwhile, work on yourself some more sunshine. Be ready for H to make contact. Don't let your guard down. Be ready to answer the phone with an upbeat happy hello. Be ready for the pop-in visit. Keep up your appearance and the house. In my sitch, H doesn't go too long and he gets real curious about the goings on here. They have to like what they see and consistency pays off. BUT keep in mind the changes MUST be real. H will smell a rat a mile away. If they aren't pleased with what they see they run. MLC land is easy and free. It's all about them, them, them. There must be a draw to get them to notice us again.

OH, I could go on and on....This is so hard. We have no guarantees. We have to learn our place sort to speak for now if we want them back. It takes a very long time and tons of patience. AND when you feel things are looking up they go the other way. You must be stronger than you ever imagined you could be to ride this rollercoaster. You can have hope BUT please do not have any expections, this is very important.

I am no expert, I have only been through this for a long time now and a lot of what I learned to do was common sense. I didn't find this website until Jun of 08 and didn't read the books DB and DR until July. At that point I was already into this almost 3 years. I really feel the books are better suited to marriages that have not separated or divorced. I think that when they separate or divorce the chance to reconcile becomes very small. I am not going to give up til the last gun is fired.
To make a stand is a very personal choice and I have just about lost all of my family because of this. My friends are very supportive of me and this site is wonderful. Keep posting, we may not have the answers (every sitch is different) but we all want the same and that is to save ourselves and hopefully our marriages in the process.

Take care, sunshine....

Sanderika