It seems as if you are both at the crossroads w/a large decision to make. If you decide to go on, then you know you will be in for a lot of difficult times ahead, and so will he.
If you decide to D, then you are ready to move forward b/c you don't think you can trust H to do his share of the work and/or you've simply reached the end of your patience w/him and need out.
I think it is great he's going consistently w/his IC and you are doing some personal talks w/your C as well. Good for you both. Keep it up regardless of what happens.
As far as your anger goes, that is ok in my book b/c you needed to get it out in order to move forward. Just make sure it is truly "out" so you can move forward w/out the anger.
As for C's suggestion that you forget the past, she's partly right, but I can also understand your part as well. My guess is in time through his IC, the importance of the OW will come out and he'll be given instructions from C to deal w/this issue w/you directly. However, this may be a while before it happens, so you'll have to be able to accept that fact in order to move forward w/H.
Case in point, my dear friend who is a psychiatrist in Seattle told me a story about how a man was in weekly sessions w/my friend discussion how unhappy he was w/his marriage for a YEAR before he admitted to having an affair and hiring call girls. Do you think there was a reason he was having problems at home? It became very clear and once the admission was made, he was able to begin to do some "serious" work on his relationship w/his wife.
Your H's involvement w/OW was done to fill a void in him and honestly, there is a chance it could have only been an emotional affair so he's denying was an actual affair that occured. If this is the case, until he understands that an emotional affair is still cheating on your spouse b/c you've given yourself to another person, he'll believe completely he did nothing wrong and thus he'll see you as being irrational. It is wrong, but in his mind, he'll be in the right. Does that make any sense?
That is what I'm guessing is the reason behind the C telling you that you must move past it in order to have a shot at this. If H honestly doesn't believe he had an affair, he can never admit to it and thus never will be able to see your point of view. I'm afraid the C's right here and you'll have to wait to get what you want concerning the affair until H can better understand what he did and its effects. What can I say except he's a DAM and it will take time for him to "get it."
I know you are disappointed that H didn't tell you he loved you, but in finding out he has a fear of rejection, I'm not surprised. I too have long suffered from a fear of rejection/abandonment, so I can relate w/H. That said, his work w/C will help him overcome it, but he still has to do work in the meantime or he'll be left behind.
I'm encouraged b/c C told you both you can't have excuses if you are going to try and I'm particularly glad she mentioned his using "work" as a constant excuse. If you decide to go for it and both do exactly as she tells you, you've got a good shot to repair this thing and make it better than before.
However, you both have to sign on 100% or it won't work. I know you get that part, now we'll have to see if he gets it as well.
