This may be the longest stretch for me without posting on my own thread, though I have continued reading and posting to others.
I have been packing for the last three weekends. I just finished putting nearly thirteen years of living in 18 boxes, 15 bags and what will amount to 1 truck-full of furniture. Seems odd to reduce it to that. Of course, in my heart and mind, it is more.
As I was busy packing, it was pretty easy really. I am still very reconciled to non-reconciliation, it is best for me. That said, now that it is done, some sadness has surfaced, but, how could it not?
Since my last series of posts, I have met with my IC and started working on my abandonment issues. He is extremely solution-oriented and I have a good set of exercises already to start my work. Goal: never, ever cling to, or stay in a relationship with a man solely because I do not want to experience the feeling of abandonment. IC said something very simple to me but it has resonated for days, and that is, we avoid feelings we fear, but if we walk into the fear and feel the feelings, we quickly learn that not only does it not kill us, but it is actually quite a bit easier to handle than anticipated.
As for Z, he is in a strange place and he is incredibly unhappy. It is very hard to be his friend - very hard. He has met someone and has developed what he believes to be very deep feelings for her. He says his feelings are not returned. That said, from what he describes, she is the sort of person who derives her self-esteem from the attention of men and will create whatever drama necessary to get it. It has been very hard to be his friend through this process of his - not because I am jealous, I am not. I do love him, probably always will, but am no longer in love with him. Rather, it is difficult because someone I believed to be very strong and full of self-respect is allowing himself to be treated very poorly. But, that is his journey, so I am learning how to listen and not get involved.
More disturbing for me is seeing him through the eyes of a woman no longer in love. A brief aside, I am learning that healthy love allows us to see our partners as they are, not as we wish them to be. It is becoming so clear to me that I spent years seeing Z as I wanted him to be. But he is not as I saw him. He is the weak, lonely and sad man I see before me and I think he has been this way for a very long time. This is not to insult him. I think he is these things because he will not accept himself. Leaving me was the first step, but I am not seeing a whole lot of follow through - he has a tough row to hoe and seems to be working with his hands alone. He will be bloodied before his journey is through, but, then, that seems to be true for most all of us.
I am learning to set boundaries for this friendship. The kinder I am, the more he seems to take from me and that is not okay. He seems to need me to act as his conscience and that I cannot and will not do. He also needs me to play a role - the broken little bird that I was when he met me. That is who he loved. The more I grow, the more I heal, the more I regain my independence and vitality, the more he fights to fit me back into that mold because, I think, it helps him feel more comfortable in his skin. I think he is naked right now, looking for himself and not liking what he sees, so he fights to keep us in our roles. I cannot and will not go back there with him, even as friends.
I am not trying to be cryptic, I just do not think the details of his actions add to the point, which is, this is my journey and my process and nothing he does or asks of me will take me from my path, so I am working to figure out how to be kind to me and to him without losing myself in the process. There is, simply, always more work to be done.
