To the mother ship: WHEN DO I GET MY HUSBAND BACK?

[Sanderika]

TCBTE, hello to you...

I am sorry for you that your H shows such distance and is cold.

My H actually goes in and out of this state every two months or so. In the beginning he was like that for a solid 5 months. It never gets easier to take. It leaves you to analyze and wonder what you did wrong this time. Even after he has already blamed you for everything wrong in his life. I wish it would stop too.

My H has asked about my mother twice in the past 3.5 years and not once about my dad. They were both very good to him and he has no reason not to be kind to them. BUT, you see it's all part of the MLC. In this state they run far and fast away from everything they can (get away with) because of their guilt and shame.

I think that you handled the birthday perfectly. Did the kids give him their cards?

My son who's 12 knows his dad has OW. I have been very open and honest with him as to this fact. We have a nickname for her and it's not very nice. I did not want son to find out by surprise. I also wanted him to be able to understand why his dad neglects us so badly. Because, face it, the OW want H all to themselves and our kids don't fit in their plans. My H's OW is just as selfish as he has become. If I get my way she will never meet son. I plan to get my way. Have you thought about telling your D(15) since she appears to have a lot of interest in what's going on? When my son first found out he cried. He is a very strong young man now and has accepted things the way they are. He's doing better than me because he learned to detach very early on.

Meltdowns are OK and you are entitled. I had one last Sunday and went for a very long walk to recharge. I don't have them often and it usually happens when I am po'd about something H has done or didn't do.

I am here to listen to you so journal away....it helps. Like brandnewday told us there is nothing we can do about reconciling our M alone. Our H's have to want to reconcile too. As long as there are OW in the picture our marriages haven't got a snowballs chance in he!!.

I hope the rest of your weekend is nice. Take care....

Sanderika

[brandnewday]

Sanderika,

I am glad I was able to help you. Sometimes my words come across as very harsh, and it often offends, which is definately not my intent.

NOW, I am going to do my best not to piss him off so he won't be able to say "S you haven't changed one bit". I walk on egg shells around him and am more than gracious and accomodating.

Honey, why are you doing this?

You need to be yourself, the new you.

The Woman that made all of those changes.

The way you communicate has to change, but you do not need to walk on eggshells.

This was also my biggest challenge, learning how to wait for the "right" moment so that I could share my feelings with him about a particular situation.

Choosing the "right" words, and relearning how to communicate properly.

The old Marriage is dead.

You do not want to go back to that relationship.

You want a brand new one!!!

You made me think real hard. I have not set boundaries except that I do not ever contact him for anything no matter what. I do not keep him informed about son either. I ask for nothing. I will not tell him I am out getting a second job.

He needs to be more responsible, especially when it concerns your Son and your finances. IF he were to come home, it is only fair to him to know what expectations you have of him.

If you want to be the independant Woman and have to work two jobs to make ends meet whilst your Husband can do as he pleases, that is your choice, BUT if you set the standard in the begining, then you can NOT change your mind later.

Men are not mind readers. Say what you want and mean what you say.

It is just the way you say it that will make all of the difference.

Do NOT be afraid to rock the boat, just don't tip the boat over.

Choose your words wisely, always.

Choose your battles.

And before you open your mouth, ask yourself "Is this the hill I want to die on"

And last but not least....Breathe!!!

By the way, you should start a FaceBook account. You will find so many of your DB friends there, and it is a fun way to communicate.

((((hugs))))

[Sanderika]

brandnewday you are quick to reply....I think you have got me again....I am speechless!!!

I actually treat everyone around me the same now not just H. H is the one I still feel awkward around and with good reason giving his actions and choices.

NOW, I am very hesitant to speak to H about R, son, house and money issues. We are still in the mode where I listen to him and he goes on and on about himself. I try and validate his thoughts and feelings and try to offer compassion for his issues unrelated to us.

I did spend a huge sum remodeling the outside of our house last summer and fall without H consent or assistance of any kind, it turned out beautiful and H admits he likes it. Right there he saw a very strong me, I wouldn't have taken that on alone before, it was my changes that brought me the confidence to do it.

I agree with you that our old marriage is dead. Where do I go from here to take it to reconcile? I feel downright dumb about this R and feel I am not worldly enough to fix what I still need to fix. It sounds to me that I still have to fix more of me.

The odds aren't good for me.

#1: OW still in picture.

#2: I don't contact H ever.

#3: H doesn't make contact enough, I haven't seen him since 2/21. We haven't spent any "close" time since 2/18. He made contact with me 3 times last week for a total of about 12 minutes.

#4: D not dismissed just postponed.

#5: I guess I am making all the changes and H isn't making any.

I could go on and on here....

So, do you think I should tell him I have to get a second job and the reason why I feel I need one?

You see, H transferred a sizeable amount of money to our personal account on 12/24. I do not feel comfortable using it for household expenses because I will have to account for it all and justify to H what I needed to spend it on. Our lives are now under the jurisdiction of our state because a D was filed. If I have my own money, I can spend it as I see fit. I am not a wasteful sort, very frugal actually so there is no chance I would misuse funds.

I am afraid to tip the boat over and drown!!!!!

Do you see any significant events in my sitch that would tell you my H is leaning towards a reconciliation here?

I am going to go ponder more of what you have said. I am sorry to be hijacking TCBTE thread. I hope she is getting benefit from our discussions. I do have my own thread started.

I will look into a facebook account.

Thanks for the hugs....I need hugs!

Sanderika

[brandnewday]

NOW, I am very hesitant to speak to H about R, son, house and money issues. We are still in the mode where I listen to him and he goes on and on about himself. I try and validate his thoughts and feelings and try to offer compassion for his issues unrelated to us.

I know exactly what you are saying, I went through this with my Husband also. As I think I mentioned in a previous post to you, this stage of the crisis was very emotionlly draining for me.

My Husband phoned several times a day and only wanted to talk about himself, his day, his job, his problems.

If I tried to tell him about my day or the kids, he would get irritable with me.

I once told him that I needed extra money for oil to heat the house, and he told me that I didn't know how to budget well, and to give the kids each an extra blanket to keep warm. I live in NH, it gets really cold in the Winter.

They are very self absorbed and very selfish, and this is also a character flaw of who they really are as people, it is just grossly exagerated during the crisis.

In my opinion, I think your Husband has a little way to go still. The fact that he postponed the Divorce is a good thing, count it as a positive.

Our MLC'ers are prideful.

Try to remember, they each told us that they were done with us and that Divorce was the key to their happiness. Once they get it in their heads that maybe Divorce is not the answer, it takes a while for them to actually put this thought into practice.

For them to admit they made a huge mistake and want to come home is HUGE. They do not want to talk about their mistakes, or the OW. They do not want to be reminded of their "sins"

They need to be able to trust the LBS again, and to not have their past thrown into their faces each time they screw up.

This is why we are told on a regular basis to work on forgiveness.

To let the past go......completely!

I know I repeat myself alot, but piecing is hard, and until you are really ready emotionally to have this Man back in your home, don't do it.

It takes them a while to feel comfortable in their skin and if they are not ready for this step, they will run again.

I have a thread in MLC, you are more then welcome to poat on it anytime.

(((((((hugs)))))))
(((((((hugs)))))))

[Sanderika]

BND,
Thank you again for being here for all of us....

My H recently found out he has diabetes so we have spent a huge amount of time talking about that and the ramifications. He has a commercial drivers license and will not be able to keep it if he becomes insulin dependant.

We also talk about our company and the daily ins and outs of that and jobs he has or has already done.

He is also an antique vehicle/equipment collector and we spend a lot of time talking about carburetors and engines and old snowplows...I am very pleased to talk with H. And for now whatever he wants to talk about is good with me.

H is not at the point that he phones me several times a day or every day for that matter. We most often talk right here at the house and when he does call they are always pleasant conversations. I am on a mission to keep it that way, friendly and warm and interested.

I don't bring up things about son/I much...now that I think about it I should, otherwise we must seem like boring people.

My H has brought me one load of firewood this season and a friend has brought me 3 loads. When my H found out that a friend was supplying my wood H stopped asking me if I wanted some more. But the thing is, when H asked me if I wanted some more I said yes. the friend just so happened to beat H to the punch. H never made another comment or asked me again.

Once a month H brings the gas(heating) bill over for me to pay. Even though I am heating with wood my bill still runs about $350/month. I have expressed to H that I can't pay such high bills and he says nothing. I live in ME! We are practically neighbors and it has been extremely cold here this winter.

I am mindful of the pride issue my H has. I worry that that is possibly keeping him from taking the plunge as well. I am glad to hear that it is only magnified by the MLC.

Also, I never mention the OW to him. I never blame him. I never admit any of his mistakes or shortcomings. I never bring up any of the problems he has caused to us all. As far as he is concerned he is completely forgiven for all of his "sins". I don't want to bring any of it up either, it just hurts to so I keep it buried, I am honest with my forgiveness to H and I practice it everyday. I couldn't treat H well if I had not forgiven him. The "old" S was a grudge holder the "new" S is definitely not one.

My H, and I have said this before, tells me he feels comfortable around me again and in the home and in talking with me. He said he enjoys my company and even tells me I am the best cook. I like the compliments again.

Thank you BND for your honesty. I value your opinions. I am pleased that you think things here are looking positive. I feel we have a ways to go as well.

The one thing truly lacking for H is trust. He thinks I will turn depressed again. He is very leary of this and mentions it from time to time.

I am doing what you say already and I, as the LBS, do not and will not throw his screw ups in his face, even though we all know he is screwing up!!! I think he already knows this too.

I guess like you say, he isn't completely comfortable yet and is running again. NOW, if OW would only wear her true colors every time they are together.....

(((((HUGS))))) to you too!! And I will look you up in MLC.

My thread is actually in solution journals. I don't know where I really belong, none of the forums seem to completely fit my sitch, IMO.

Good night, my friend...

Sanderika

[sunshinelewis]

Very interesting reading. BND I would love to read your story but I cant find it.
I am just almost 6 months into this and my xh wants NO contact with me. At first he did a little, but now its getting worse. The more I stay away from him the worse he gets when we speak. Has anyone experienced this.
My xh has to be one of the meanest MLC'ers their is. He could care less about anybody but hisself. He has been thru 3 women and already lost of 3 of them. It's his way or the highway. Sadly he has been this way all his life....just NOT THIS BAD!
I am so scared that I am driving him further away with no contact, because he seems to HATE me more when we speak. He said in court the other day he wanted to speak every now and then to keep contact. But since breakup with ow, he never wants to speak again. WHAT???? BND knows this, I havent been very good in the past six months about leaving him alone, until the last month or so and I went 8 days with no contact. I get to thinking....well 8 days, hes probably gonna be reasonable to me now. I dont even try or want to talk about realationship. I just want to talk about anything, weather....trucks....fishing, whatever. Heck just say how are you doing. BUT nope, he says I am his past and go away and never call or speak to him again.
Has any of you experienced this bad of an experience. I admit, I messed up, but I know I didnt cause this man this much discontent.
I am just trying to find a thread where my sitch might be the same.

Thanks for listening,
Off to get facebook,

Renee

[Silent Chrleader]

Wow! So much of what has been said on this thread resonates with me!!!!

BND, if you get a chance, I would love for you to stop by my thread and give me your take on my sitch.......my H does not have an OW right now (as far as I know) but is "happy as a clam" where he is at, thinking only of his job and his new life and new friends. But he has been "doing the right thing" as far as financially and with our S17, on the whole. He doesn't seem to be depressed at all, and our C and everybody says he is not coming back......I am trying not to "analyze" and have been doing better at just focusing on me really. But, sometimes I do wonder if the fact that he seems so happy and doing much better at meeting his "obligations" as far as "we" are concerned while still maintaining distance and saying he wants a D, but has no plans for D right now, is a good sign in regards to a possible reconciliation, or a bad sign in that while he is sorry for hurt caused, he is genuine in wanting a D and is determined to continue in that direction.....

Anyway, TCBTE, I am sorry for the "hijack". I completely sympathize with where you are. I met my H the day after my 17th birthday and have been together ever since, and my whole identity what wrapped up in him! I have always been a hopeless romantic, right down to reading the romance novels and everything!! I struggle daily to rebuild myself, but I know that I am stronger and a more capable woman now than I have ever been and I am not sorry for my H having walked away because it has allowed me to achieve this growth. However, I do still believe that the man I have loved for 28 years and will love until the day I die is inside him, and I the thought of never seeing him again saddens me almost beyond bearing!

So, anyway, hang in there, TCBTE and Sanderika, and continue to take it one day at a time, and remember that YOU are amazing women!!!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[Sanderika]

Good morning sunshine,

One thing we have a hard time learning is "no contact".

In my sitch from Aug 05 to about Feb 06 (6 months) my H was also unable to talk with me nor did he want to. To him I was the most evil person to ever cross his path.

At the beginning I too begged pleaded and cried on my hands and knees at his feet (and I am not kidding here, this is true). After a short while I realized that he was not one bit compassionate about us or where we had found ourselves. In fact he was actually looking at me as a pitiful soul and one to be completely disregarded forever! You see, he was done with us. At the beginning they all go through this and it lasts longer for some than others, it really all depends on the circumstances surrounding the separation and demise of the marriage. It also, as in my case was heavily driven by my H MLC.

The year before my H left was very bad around here. 11 months before my H left he was burned in a propane explosion and that took a toll on his own fear about his mortality. 2 weeks after the explosion he lost his mother to cancer. We found out she had cancer in July 04 and she died Oct 04. At the same time I was watching a very dear aunt die of cancer and we lost her in Jun 05. ADD all of this to my own issues with depression and we had a very bad year. My H couldn't run away fast enough once he decided to go. I do believe that he was also becoming depressed and that scared the he!! out of him. In his eyes the only answer was to leave and never look back, which he tried very hard to do.

Once I realized my H was serious about not coming back I did a 360 in about 30 days. I changed my style considerably. I had help losing weight with the stress (that D diet). I decided if I had a snowballs chance in he!! to get him back I would have to change. I immediately started to treat H nicely (at first he thought is was all an act and phony) BUT after a VERY long period of time and I mean a VERY long time he realized the changes were real and were here to stay. H started to like me again and admits that we aren't D today because of all the changes I made and am consistant.

NOW, with that being said...my H is still with the same OW he left me for...

I am going to remain consistant in my behavior towards H. I DO NOT CONTACT HIM EVER. This learned behavior does not happen over night. You gradually become better at the "no contact". I can say I haven't contacted him now for about a year.

Some LBS wonder....If there is no contact how does he know me and see the changes here...I have pondered this many times myself. In my case my H seems to always be watching me. I also had time for him to see the changes. We own a company together and we worked together until March of last year. I feared that once I was out of the company H would never see me again, not true...it took him about 15 days to make contact with me. And H has continued contact ever since. It comes and goes though. I will get lots of contact and attention for about 6-8 weeks and then he runs again. It's like he gets too close and gets scared.

IMO, you should work harder to maintain the "no contact". Make your mind up to do it and sit and watch. You and your H have a S(18) and at some point H will make contact. Does your S live with you? If so, even better. Let your H be...

Meanwhile, work on yourself some more sunshine. Be ready for H to make contact. Don't let your guard down. Be ready to answer the phone with an upbeat happy hello. Be ready for the pop-in visit. Keep up your appearance and the house. In my sitch, H doesn't go too long and he gets real curious about the goings on here. They have to like what they see and consistency pays off. BUT keep in mind the changes MUST be real. H will smell a rat a mile away. If they aren't pleased with what they see they run. MLC land is easy and free. It's all about them, them, them. There must be a draw to get them to notice us again.

OH, I could go on and on....This is so hard. We have no guarantees. We have to learn our place sort to speak for now if we want them back. It takes a very long time and tons of patience. AND when you feel things are looking up they go the other way. You must be stronger than you ever imagined you could be to ride this rollercoaster. You can have hope BUT please do not have any expections, this is very important.

I am no expert, I have only been through this for a long time now and a lot of what I learned to do was common sense. I didn't find this website until Jun of 08 and didn't read the books DB and DR until July. At that point I was already into this almost 3 years. I really feel the books are better suited to marriages that have not separated or divorced. I think that when they separate or divorce the chance to reconcile becomes very small. I am not going to give up til the last gun is fired.
To make a stand is a very personal choice and I have just about lost all of my family because of this. My friends are very supportive of me and this site is wonderful. Keep posting, we may not have the answers (every sitch is different) but we all want the same and that is to save ourselves and hopefully our marriages in the process.

Take care, sunshine....

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Hello SC,

I think it is a positive that your H isn't making any plans on filing for a D right away. The longer he waits the more opportunity you have to work on yourself and present H with a renewed SC. Become the SC your H wants to be with. Use this time to your advantage...come up with a plan. Time is on your side. I see it that he must still have reservations about it if he isn't taking action.

I am glad he is financially supportive. That is also a positive.

I, like you, am hopelessly in love with my H. I find it hard as well because I have been with him for so long. We were 15 when we started dating and have been together ever since. I also wonder if this MLC was inevitable. I wonder if H started to wonder what he missed out on because he didn't really have any batchelor days, you know...

I know as a couple we could move mountains and we have a huge very tangled history together. With the OW he has freedom again and I think that is the only draw. IMO, my H can't let go of us for many reasons...history, obligation, son, assets, and I really think he does love me even though he won't admit it.

In my sitch I work hard to maintain my appearance and PMA. I also truly believe that is the sole reason H even "bothers" with me anymore. AND after a long time I do believe that H is coming around. Will we still D? I actually think it is still a very real possibility regardless of what he said in court.

I, like you, am also grateful for this happening. If it had not, I do not know where I would be. I actually have thanked my H for leaving and giving me the kick in the a$$ I needed to change and become the "S" I am supposed to be. I can say I like myself now and I admit I hated myself before he left. He has also said I would have never changed if he had not done what he did....he's right.

SC, thank you for the kind words...You sound very much like a lady who is doing great and is amazing herself!!!

Sanderika

[ddstartingover]

Sitting here at home, alone. It's Monday so the kids are with H. I'm finally getting used to the schedule, and enjoying some time alone----especially since it would have been math homework with d12----which is a nightmare. I'm having a glass of wine. It's been forever. Right after the bomb I drank a glass or two at night to sleep. As my AD's were increased, I stopped drinking anything. Now that I'm off all AD's I think I can have a glass now and then --- even if I am drinking alone.

Lately I have let myself imagine a future without H----and with someone else. I think about how wonderful it would be to be loved----to be treated the way I think I deserve to be treated....to be loved the way H used to love me..........I don't know If I can ever go there with someone other than H, but I miss it so much. I think about how I did not appreciate what I had when I had it-----how I took everything for granted, and it makes me sick.

I know that what H is going through is not my fault. I blamed myself for everything for a long time, but I finally know that THIS is not my fault. There are things that that I will accept blame for.....things in the past.....but OW is not my fault, and this thing that H is going through is deifinitely not my fault. It helps to keep that in focus. At least today...........

Maybe I have had too much wine...........what a cheap date....one glass!!!!