Well, I think I have myself sorted out - I always do better after I sleep on something.
W just texted away to me today like she hadn't gone on a date.
It's funny how stuff just seems to happen at a distance now with her. I do believe a wonderful woman exists inside of her, and I would love to be with that woman.
When a week like this past week happens, it is a glimpse of who we really are, and how we fell in love. We talked so easily, we listened to each other, we were interested in each other - we laughed about the same stuff that we used to laugh about. We used to be able to talk for hours. She would send me little funny things that she knew I would get a kick out of.
I have no idea what grew up in W's heart and mind - but again, it is a week like this that reminds me of the "old us." But then, she turns and goes on a date with a complete dork. He is overweight, not good-looking, isn't a good/fun conversationalist. The kids told me the last time they went to this jungle gym, "Mommy texted alot, and then came in and played with us." What a great date, huh!
However, it is a sign of how much going dark has helped me, how much DBing has helped me, how much I have grown and matured as a man, husband and father - because now, I see that, and I see the potential we have as a couple and a family, but I see at the same time how completely lost W is.
But, I just don't care. I love my kids, I love my life, I'm in the center of God's will for me. I love my extended family, love my church, have good friends, and many opportunities.
I am strong, happy, kind - the kids tell me when W says nasty stuff, and the true honest spirit that rises in me is pity, and I just smile at the kids, and tell them that I love W, but I disagree. I feel no anger, no bitterness, just peace.
So, it is with those thoughts that I wrote W this email. It probably doesn't match DB principles, but it's where I am, and I'm perfectly happy with it. If it drives W away, then oh well, her loss! I expressed my feelings honestly - I talked about the kids honestly. When they were talking about us getting back together, I asked D8 if she wanted that - and she just stared at the ceiling, and real softly said, "Oh YES!" Makes me sad for her. I will sleep on this before sending it, but it is perfect for where I am. Done with her, moving on, but willing to be here for my family.
This has been such an odd week. I was sort of surprised by your friendliness.
Maybe that's why S6 randomly asked us if we were getting back together - maybe he saw the friendliness too, I don't know. I did ask S6 why he said it, and he didn't have a reason. Both he and D8 said they would be very happy if we got back together.
It must be as confusing for them as it is for me when you act friendly, and maybe there is a chance of us being a family, something both the kids want, and then you continue your affair.
I don't want confusion for them or me, so I'll be clear: as long as you are in an affair, I will not be "friends" with you. Of course, I will always be civil.
If you ever did decide you wanted our family together, you know how to get a hold of me, but that's the last thing I have to say on the matter.
