Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Feeling pretty down right now.

Yesterday was my birthday and I stayed home from work and slept in. H called in the morning to talk to S17, who was still asleep. Before I hung up, I said "By the way, thanks for wishing me a happy birthday." (*click*) I know it was a catty thing to do, but I don't really care right now.

Last night, went out with fried and step-brother. We had a good visit and it was fun.

I have not been doing well on my "diet". I am up about 5 lbs in spite of the fact that I did the deep water aerobics 2x last week. I need to get back on the wagon.

Today I got a $304 cable TV bill from S17 and his friends doing Adult movies on pay-per view. I don't have it. S17 said he had told H about it (like that helps) and when I called H, he just said that he has told me before that I should just turn off the pay-per view, and he's right he has, but I use it on occaision and want to keep it. I guess I need to figure out the parental control feature.........

H was not only unsympathetic, but kinda condescending to me, and said he had "to get back to his shopping" to which I said "What....are you not alone?" He hung up on me. So, I called back, but he then wasn't answering his phone. So, I left a message saying "Thank you so much for your kind attitude....it gives me such a warm fuzzy!".......and then I called again an left another messages saying "By the way, I'm sorry for making you feel uncompfortable with my show of emotion. I wish I could just turn it off like you do, but unfortunately, that's not in my make up, especially since yesterday and today are usually special days to me, although I know they are not to you. It hurts me that my husband of 26 years can't even wish me a Happy Birthday. And I know that you never gave a crap about the anniversary of the day we met (that's today) but I did. So, I apologize for my "emotionality", but I know I will get over it one day."

Yep, major backslide. And right now I don't care! Other than the fact that I know he sees my emotionality as an indication that I am still "pining" for him, which is NOT the case anymore!

I don't think I can afford to go to CA at the end of the month as I had planned.......

I'm sorry I haven't been posting, friends.......just not much to say.......Despite the fact that I am pretty down right this minute, I haven't been doing bad over all emotionally. In fact, some of my "falling off the wagon" on my diet, has been because I have been feeling a little better I think, and some of my appetite has come back. I need to get a hold of that!

Although, maybe some of it is "stress eating" because I have been thinking about some life changes. For example, I have applied to the local community college, and am planning to start taking a course in Chemistry. This is a pre-requisite for getting into their Nursing program. Years ago, I had wanted to go to school to be a Nurse but ended up going to work instead because we needed the money (mostly for H's toys, although that was me trying to "buy his love" because I never seemed to measure up in other ways)

Anyway, I am conflicted because I have a very good paying job, but it is not fulfilling in any way but money. That has not been a big problem in the past because my focus was my home life, but now........I would really like to have a job that I look forward to going to and feel I make a difference. My absolute dream job would be working in maternity, or pediatrics. But the job I have now has an unbeatable retirement (they put 25% of my salary toward it annually and it's fully vested from day 1) That's not "matching" like a 401k, or withholding from my salary, that's hard dollars they put in!

That's hard to walk away from. It's definitely a risk, but I want to be happy in my daily life! And since it's fully vested, it's not like I loose what I have built up. Still, going back to school is a stress too. So, I figured I would go ahead and start taking the pre-requisites, because they will take a year (because they have to be taken in sequence, not concurrently). I will see how it goes and if it still seems like a good idea when I am finished with them, I will continue......