Retrouvaille saved me - AN #3

[25yearsmlc]

Just to confuse you some more, let me throw in a few thoughts. One is about MLC as a term we use to describe what we (LBSers) see as bizarre & heretofore unseen behavior in our mates, versus the label used on us, when we make a choice the other spouse simply does not like.

Regardless of whether there is MLC going on, or a WAW, or whatever label we come up with, you are rightly realizing that the label only goes so far, b/c it usually calls for the same response in you anyhow, i.e., GAL, PMA, 180's, "listen and validate like a friend" etc. The only difference is in what your expectations may be. And either way, expectations are not so helpful at this stage.

If she has "hit the wall and has simply had enough", that's worse for you probably. But if she sees change, then who knows? She did attend the retro weekend, and that's saying something.

On the other matter, ---I strongly believe HS reunions are BIG triggers for "new" behavior, (or really really old HS behavior-- unseen in years) but they're usually temporary. I went to my HS reunion last fall, and once AGAIN, went into a period of nostalgic reflection. I have attended all my HS reunions, but the one 10 years ago almost made me do something out of character, as it came at a bad time in the M AND It was like a time machine. "What h? What kids? What 20+ year m?"

Several friends said the same thing! Even My older brother, who dated a classmate of mine, or two, (and is married with 7 girls) also said he felt the same way. He actually asked me not to mention his 7 kids when I ran into his former HS gf, from 30 years ago!! And he's happily married-- (most of the time - with 7 kids...you know, you have your days...)

I saw an old guy friend dancing with his HS prom date, and they asked me if I thought it would be weird for them to date again (both are single now). They ARE dating now, since October. MLC? I don't think so. Yearning to be young again? I don't think so. I'm just happy for them reconnecting for now. The good news is that all the married friends that had the "time machine" effect all said it passed, as has mine.

But It did trigger some memories & deep reflections. Not only about M, but about my career, looks, number of children, what type of parent I am....

When I attended the one 10 years ago, my M was in a bad spot, I hated where we were living, was so homesick, my HS bf was there, and there was still chemistry --so if my best friends were not around to watch out for me, which they were and did, who knows? Thank God they prevented me from making a big mistake. A few drinks, memories of a happier time, chemistry still present in a R, at a very vulnerable time in the M...well, there are definitely days I say "there but for the Grace of God, go I..."
Several friends told me they had similar episodes at the reunions..not just me, and not just women.

But I agree MLC has become too broad a term. I think for my h, his behavior prior to his obsession with Alaska, was very different than during the "MLC" (or whatever we'll call it), time period. Since it was so alien and such an unknown side of him, I was shocked, and called it "MLC" and oh, just to be totally cliched, he turned 50 at the peak of it, and that was such a big deal to him. I don't know better terms for it.

What I worry about with the MLC label (and think Breakaway was hitting on this, at least in part) is when it's over-used with women, who are FINALLY acting rationally (from a survival & self preservation standpoint). Women who have just had enough craziness FROM their spouses, get mis-labelled MLC (OR worse, "change of life" "hormonal" ) more often and then it ticks me off b/c the h's want to label the w as "crazy" or hormonally out of whack, anything to avoid any responsibility on their end, when in reality she just woke up, or stood up for herself, or finally acted in response to HIS behavior.

Sorry, but I find this is even more true for men who pride themselves on their rationality and logic. Some even boast of it. (One wonders why they married such "emotional" and fragile creatures as women in the first place).

These types of men cannot see how oppressive , critical and sterile that can feel as a wife. It's the "gaslight" treatment. Not saying this is you, but am expressing how unappealing it is to me to hear a man describe himself this way, while pretending that he isn't implying fault in the wife, which he usually is. ((Of course NOT always)). It's like the word "hysteria", and is definitely a code word for "crazy female". Just something to be aware of. If this applies, be brave and ponder it. If not, discard. No problem. I'm impressed at how you are trying to figure out your role in all this and that is KEY to making anything come of this.

AN, I'm on your M's side, fwiw. I'm hopeful for you.

Breakaway, I totally relate to the "permission from God" you want before deciding. We all want clarity. I just don't know if we ever get that level of clarity and certainty--almost wishing for a punch in the face b/c then you would have your clarity. It's the grayer areas that get so difficult. On one hand we have so many in our world who'll leave a LONG marriage at the first sign of uncomfortable or hard change, required of them[/b...yet there is a segment of society that is the opposite of the disposable side, who'll stay for their whole lives...and [b]they'll see a h who doesn't drink too much, has a job, does not cheat or beat, and ask "So what's the problem?"
How sad if that's the only criteria...even without kids, you'd think it's not asking too much to want a little bit more from our lifetime companions...I know I do. I'm lucky now.

Breakaway, what would "Permission" sound/feel like to you? Maybe if you knew that, it would help... I believe that if we cannot look ourselves in the mirror when we are very old, and know our choices were made out of love, then that would be the biggest tragedy. I pity those who'll have to face their maker with that type of burden on their shoulders. Not us, nope. But I am also pretty sure God does not want us to be miserable, and that free will sometimes means making a choice that we were trained not to make...make sense?
((( ))))
j-