As the chatting went on, wife once again wanted to make sure I wasn't mad about the evening..which I truly was not...but I did ask her a question.
I was just curious how she would have reacted to coming home and finding me and one of my friends at the house drinking with some girls....a couple of them being young, cute and available??
She said..she didn't think she would have liked it very much, and that is why she let me know they were there and made sure I wasn't mad about it....but she did think it was different because they were young guys, and regardless of the sitch, she would have no interest. Seems it would be different for me to be around young attractive women....double standard, I guess??
That part of the talk, brought out a little sarcasm in me and once again, I pretty much said what does it all matter, anyway.
Wife says..I guess..with where all this is going, I suppose it doesn't, but like I said..just didn't want you to think bad of me.
I said that as far as I knew we were still under our original agreement from the start of this...no other people..physically or emotionally..period. If you still feel the same way you did a year ago, and this is headed in the direction that you continue to say it is...then we certainly don't need to hide anything from each other.
She agreed, but assured me that there has been no one else, there is no one else and there is no interest, physically or emotionally that I have to be concerned about.
Could not resist some more sarcasm, and told her there was no one that she should be concerned about, but your business is your business...where ever we are headed.
She asked if this was really a conversation we needed to have now, and I asked what she was talking about. That is where the reminder talk came in and although I don't remember word for word there was some points she made...not much different than previous statements from her.
One was "I still can't say I love you", to which I said..you love me but you are not in love with me?...yes.
She said I have always told you that I love, will always love you and always want you to be a part of my life, and me yours....I asked what she meant by "part of each other's lives".
She said we have a daughter together and I said yes, but she will be 20 this year...we won't be sharing custody...maybe we can plan the wedding together. She did not appreciate my sarcasm.
I said before we go any farther...the "I love you but" you just said. I told her I know I have told you before through all of this, but I just wanted you to know a few things...
First, I know words can't make up for what I put you through in our marriage, but I am sorry. She said a know you are.
Second, I love you and no matter how it seemed, I was always in love with you and I am sorry that I didn't know how to show you.
Third...given the chance, I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you, but if I don't get that chance I understand.
Her response was....not word for word...even if I could remember, this is getting too long.
What we have had this past year has been great...for the first time in our marriage, I feel at home here with you, but I don't see us as H&W in the future.
You were never my best friend through our marriage...in the last year you have become my best friend...we talk, we laugh...we have had more good times in the last year than in the last 20(how sad is that?).
The things we do and share have brought us closer than we have ever been, but...I can't see us together in the future, even though I am comfortable here with you and don't feel there is a rush to end this....and again...she wants us to always be a part of each other's lives...because we are "best friends"...she doesn't want her best friend to walk out the door and never see him again.
I told her that when this is all done, I am not so sure that I would be able to continue being "best friends"...To which I got a very surprised look. She asked if I meant that it was "all or nothing?...either married or not friends at all?"
I told her not exactly, but you just said you have spent the last year getting closer to me and letting me become your best friend, and to some extent that is also true for me...but...
This past year, as we got close and became "best friends", I was also convincing myself that I could get through this, be apart from you...detach myself from the relationship and move on.
I want nothing more for us to be together and for you to realize some day that we have a chance, but I can't hang on to that hope forever....remaining best friends, or even good friends...would make me hold that hope too close.
