Well, Ali knows already since we spoke on the phone for an hour but I really don't know how to type everything.
The session lasted 1,5 hours and was pretty calm at first (for about 2 minutes) and then I let all the anger out, the bitterness, the resentment, the hurt. I went back to tyhe pre bomb era nd then to incidents then, then to the bomb, how he left, how he treated me, how he kept going when I was asking for D, to now and what he tells the kids and how he treats me. I talked about the OW and how the fact he still hides how she changed jobs etc etc. At first he said I dont accept anything you say because you are so angry. My C tried to tell me anger is not good for me. I said I had prepared for this session to let it all out because exactly I know anger is no good and I want it OUT of my system. I talked about money, about lies, bout disrespect, about how he decided the easy way out and destroyed us and our family etc etc. He was interrupting and at that point he said -You think that was the easy way out? That was the hard way out!! and I replied -so you are telling you chose the hard way out that meant our end and couldn't choose the easy way out that could mean our happiness? Please explain how and why you did that? He couldn't answer that...
Anyway,although my C kept saying, I need to "get over my issues" about the OW, the past, the hurt etc, she said we made a false effort from the beginning and the OW shouldnt be a requirement and I am making her "strong". I said the specific OW and any OW is capable only to clean my shoes and that was proven because if H had found more he would have stayed, and that I know I am special and great and he knows it too. The fact that he is lying by not saying the facts is important to me. H said a few excuses about the gift and...nothing else, he kept quiet and never answered about the call on Easter day or the note 'I love you very much" (although in private he told the C it was a prank ? by a coworker that it took him 16 months to remember!!!).
I said that he came back and got angry again, showed pride, selfishness and how that in my head that isn't working when you are dealing with the future of 4 people. I asked where would we be if I was proud and arrogant? He wouldn't stand a chance in hell to be with me again...
The C we are both deciding to divorce based of the frustration of the wrong effort and although she doesn't believe all couples should stay together, she thinks if we tried again "correctly" this time we may find that we will be very happy. She said it is a painful process and that we should forget about the past and concentrate on the future. Her suggestion was to sleep on it for a week and insisted as a therapist that we haven't ever really tried to get together. She asked me if I am sure about my decision and I told her no because I love him some still (yes I said that) but I am ready to take the risk because I am very unhappy. He said I've told him I am calm but today and the last 2 weeks I showed him that was a lie. I replied that the fact that I am going back to my old self and that he makes me mad is the reason I want this all to end.
She insisted we think about it for a week and told us that if we decide to try we should know it is difficult and we should listen to her instructions.
He agreed and I agreed and then she said we should meet this week, for at least 2 hours even if we decide on Sat to divorce it's ok... I said the only thing I can do with him is poison him and they both laughed.
I told her that she asks too much from me, that I am supposed to overcome everything of the past 2 years, the hurt, the cheating, the rejection as if nothing happened, but she forgets I am only human. She said she asks from me what she thinks I can give, if I dont want to give it, it's my choice...
