I was just talking about you, miss you. Yes, my father died of cancer that had settled in his liver, because of his heavy drinking. We both come from heavy drinking families. I watch myself very well and remember everything I say or dowhen i drink, I do not want to go back down the stupid path...
I will not change from what and who I am right now, reconciliation or not....I know this. One, I am having more fun, obviously because I am more conscious. Two, financially, I can go out and not break the bank.
I am way past the "that'll show her" stage of my life. actually I am in the that'll teach me stage of my life LOL. My 21 days was incredible, just posted before I read you about starting it again and feeling a little melancholy. Hearing from her and seeing her two days in a row, and not being able to picture her face in my mind. Good and bad I suppose. Her contacting me this past time and all the others, because of some money issue. No other reason, so that helps my mind. No false signs, no intent and absolutely expectations. Not sure what she sees n me now when she looks or hears or sees. don't care. I am still walking upright, shoulders back and head high. I look people in the eye, I always have a hello on my lips, and a very postiive attitude. I think you are all right, the pain isn't going to go away...So I am living with it, and pushing it down. I pray often for strength, I pray for Him to watch over people now, my kids, my friends and her. I no longer pray for her to come back. that is not on the list right now.
I have thought long and hard about what and how I would be if she came back. would I fall back to the untrusting , jealous, belligerent drunken a$$^ole again? Nope. I saw the damage it did to my kids, to my relationships and the pain it causes me every waking day. I like being the "life of the party" " the teller of jokes, and people laughing with me and because of me, not at me. I have grown way to much in 7 months. I have many scars and I have healed myself, no one else did it. With every beer I have, comes a sober responsibility. Know who you are today, know that who you were caused some of this pain, know where you are, know your limits, this is a good time, you want to remember it....Yep, I say that to myself each time I go out with my friends. I can not drink like I did, I will not drink like I did...
She is a very vague memory to me. I am sorry to say that , but as I posted earlier, I still have the emotion, which I think is good. My melancholy will lift, it is only day of the the 30 again. so I have time...
I am still doing my country line dance lessons on Monday nights. I love it and I have met a ton of people. My circle gets larger every week. My number one goal for this new year was a better job, it may soon be realized, so I am very excited. Negative things still fall on me, but i am able to rise above and understand what I can and can not control. When bad things hit. I bark once and move on, deal with it, and get it behind you...Have to, or I will go insane. Please keep posting in, really missed you. Me and FaithFulH were just talking about you Wednesday night.
