Matilda, I went to visit my IC yesterday. I told him about the effort I've been making and my current situation. I told him about the books I'm reading (Radical Acceptance, and DB), the audio podcasts by Tara Brach, and the GAL efforts.
He seemed to understand and validate my efforts. The one thing he thought I needed to work on was speaking-up more on what my needs in the R are. I told him about my email where I asked my W for respectful communication and for the sleeping elsewhere to end.
He agreed that the relatonal patterns in the M don't allow intimacy to flourish. The impasse is that my W wants intimacy without making changes to allow it to occur. My unhealthy pattern is to tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully without letting her know how it affects me.
We talked about how I lose myself in my efforts to fix the M and how pursuing the GAL activities and holding onto them, even when I'm in R is important. We talked about my history of tolerating bad behavior, which then turns into anger and resentment, which is displayed in passive-aggressive ways.
I think the main emotions right now are sadness and embarrassment and frustration. I will use the tools I'm learning to stay with them without turning it into blame, judgment, or reactivity.
I'm using the GAL question of how would I spend my time if I weren't preoccupied with my marital problems as a guide. I went to my dance lesson on Thursday, and a studio ballroom dance last night.
Even though my W and I aren't working in partnership, I have plenty to work on. DB discusses that sometimes the changes aren't different enough to change the relational patterns. I have to work so that when I'm in a R again, the patterns will be healthier.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
