I have to disagree with you on that one. These posts are also filled with stories of how being nice has changed the spouse's behavior. In fact, isn't that one of the principles of DB? Once you show a nicer and non-confrontational side, the spouse has no one else to get mad at and looks in at themselves.
Now whether or not they decide to continue with someone else or return is up to them. In my case, my W actually calmed down enough to come home.
Just establish boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate and live through that. Not all of the stories of Going Dark are gloom and doom. It just comes down to what you're willing to do to stay married and if that's what you really want.
I don't entirely disagree, Stuck. I would make a distinction about defining "nice" though.
GOOD:
- Being cheerful - Being upbeat - Being civil - Being courteous - Demonstrating kindnesses toward others for her to see (or to hear second-hand about) - Doing small acts of kindness for her (but not too many) - DOING ALL OF THESE BECAUSE THEY ARE WHO YOU WANT TO BE, AND THEY ARE "THE RIGHT THING TO DO"
BAD:
- Being needy - Being grabby - PURSUING - Going "melty man" on her - Overdoing the acts of kindness (ex: cleaning the entire house like a madman, running around trying to please her by being Mr. Perfect) - Doing anything that directly enables her affair (an example might be "I don't want to stop paying for her cellphone, even though she uses it to call and text message OM, because I don't want to be "mean") - DOING ANY OF THE THINGS ON THE "GOOD" LIST ABOVE FOR THE PURPOSE OF LOOKING FOR A REACTION OR EVEN A TURNAROUND FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE.
Short Version:
"Nice" is good; "pursuing" is bad. "Friend-LY" is good; "being their best friend" while they are opening having an affair is bad.
