Yes many of them want us to make the decision. They THINK they know what they want but they aren't really sure. That is where the confusion starts.
I want to share with you, my H gave me every reason in the book why this should be over. That I did or didn't do things, that it is him not me, ILYBNILWY speech, and about a million other things that I can't even remember right now. What I'm going to tell you is really hard to understand at the beginning. This could change. It really could. Last summer, I never would have dreamed that anything would be different. After hearing the things I did come out of his mouth, after listening to him tell our S that he had no say in any of this (we have always decided everything as a family,), after hearing him say that whatever happened was OUR choice (sorry not mine). Maybe I had to be to the point of acceptance to sort of get out of my funk. I think so. I think he has needed it to and I don't think anything is near done in any respect. But now, months later, I am no longer down, my PMA is not a front, something is shifting and I'm not getting nuts about it. So trust me on this, if I ever thought there was no case for hope it would have been mine (sorry when my H decides something, there is no going back). I don't know that I would call it hope now. Maybe forward movement with and unknown destination. LOL. Just hang in there. You are trying to push this. You are taking his statements as gospel. You will probably hear a million times more that it's over. But only you know how long you can do this.
Please be careful with R talks. They will hurt you and what you say to him, will be twisted in his mind and come out as somethign very very different from what you said or intended. I know the limbo is the pits. That is something I know well.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
ok thank you kel. If he decided to leave, should I say nothing? we have no kids so there would be no contact.
I know it looks like I'm not listening, I am. I will re-read everything you are all telling me. My friend was just saying how at xmas he was saying how great I was to her husband. So sad this has happened but it has.
If he chooses to leave, you can tell him that is not what you wish.
Just because there are no kids does NOT mean there will be no contact and just because he stays doesn't mean there will. So stop making assumptions. Like MT said, you are building and trying to cross bridges that aren't even there. I know how hard it is to keep from doing that.
Yes you really probably do need to sleep. It is hard to make much rational thought on a lack of sleep. What does your heart tell you about this R? What does your gut tell you about the things he is saying? You probably aren't certain right now. Once you can find calmness within yourself, and quiet your mind, you will be able to recognize what you are truly feeling.
I think I spent the first two months or so just sitting in parks, in the woods, on my front porch watching and listening to the birds, the trees, the wind. For me that is soothing to my soul. Other than the boards, I talked to almost no one. I thought until my brain hurt. When I could still make no sense out of anything, I stopped thinking and just started listening to the beauty and peace that I was surrounding myself with. After that, I was able to start listening to my heart, my soul, my intuition. I started to open my heart to myself and let myself feel what I was feeling and it wasn't all bad. I found my center. I found my joy again. It was after that that I have been able to view this whole situation with a lot more clarity and sort of from an outside perspective. Then I started making steps for myself. Steps that I need to make for me and me alone. I now have the ability to say, just like I did when we started dating almost 20 years ago, if this works, great, if it doesn't, that's ok too and I am ok.
This is a learning process for all of us. Take the time you have available and see what you need to learn, what you want to change about yourself, for you not for him or your marriage. I smile now all the time. I laugh, I joke. I sing and dance again. I didn't do that for a long long time. Read the books, they do help, but don't read them looking for a solution, read them with an open mind, read every part of them whether you think they apply to you or not. Read them and absorb the information and learn from it. Read the threads, you will see you aren't alone, you will see stories of inspiration all over this board. The archives are filled with them. Not all marriages are saved but they are still wonderful stories. They may give you ideas of what direction to take, may help you to recognize those teeny tiny things that you might miss. Patience is a major key here.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Regrets - there is no rhyme or reason for what they say now or what they said 2 months before this happens. That is hard to grasp, you want to know why, why, why? We all do. There isn't a why that is going to fix the hurt and make you feel any better. My H has told me that we were done, and that he was done trying, so you never know. They are lost in a fog and don't know what will make them feel better.
It hurts so much and it is so hard! Believe me I know!
I know and I know you are all going through it too. I just miss how he would come home with a big smile to meet me at the stairs. Sounds so silly but that is what happened the night he said it.
I know this is probably the same that has happened to lots of you. Just feels like he is lost and I can't help him.
Right, tension was in the air, cats were look darting about, the wind could be heard outside and a car pulled up on the drive...snort.
Well I was a big, brave girl. We had dinner, bought me mini sausages again, ate dinner and I just came upstairs.
He came in sat down with a big sigh and said I really don't know what to say to you. I smiled and said it's ok, I understand. He just stared at me. he said what will we do about counselling. I said Don't worry about it, i'll cancel it. He stared again and then said well I think it would be beneficial. I said ok then, whatever makes you comfortable. He sat for a while and I said nothing, he said I'm sorry and I said don't be, it's not just your fault.
Let the mind games commence kidding
Then he left. Now I know it seems like I'm giving in, I'm not. I just didn't see the point when he obviously doesn't know what he wants. I'm tired, I'm emotionally drained and I'm starting to detach. I will always love him, I really will but I need to protect myself. I've lost loads of weight and my body is twitching, my eyes are all puffy and my nose is chapped from blowing it. Pretty picture eh.
I'm really looking forward to going out and getting to know me again.
I'll be back on here teary soon no doubt but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
That was a very good way to handle it. You let him own his feelings and thoughts without letting it get to you.
You are right, you, like the rest of us will be back crying once in a while but that is ok. That is what this board is for, as well as to vent anger, mull questions, and just get support from others. So don't let this place go. Just sit with things for a while. That is the hardest part.
I know the initial inclination is to either kick them to the curb or try to find every way in the world to fight for the M but we also want the results to be immediate with either of those things. Being able to have patience and take time really is the key to maybe making real changes in either direction.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Hey Regrets, sounds like you handled that very well! Better than I ever did! Just relax for a while, I like to call it floating, and just lay in the lazy river and take care of what matters to you. Glad you are excited in the prospects of finding you! That is a great attitude!
well he stayed in last night, seemed surprised when he saw I was getting ready and then asked who and where I was going. Still no texts at all and didn't ask about my driving lesson.
This morning he asked if I enjoyed myself, just told him yes was good laugh.
He doesn't seem bothered. At least I'm getting my self out again.
well now we chattted this morning and were nice and relaxed. He has just gone out without even saying goodbye. He has never done that before. Maybe he was just making sure I was coping and now that he thinks I am, no more mr nice guy
