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[Punktmann]

Lyfe, that doesn't sound trite, it sounds like real life. It never rains but it pours, and pours, and sleets, and hails. I am very sorry to hear about your father and grandfather. Losing my grandfather was very difficult for me, and when my father was in the hospital following a stroke, it was twice as hard. I hope that you are doing well.


Yes, DB/DR IS intended for you to get your S together. It's not a way to fix her, only she can do that, if she decides she wants to.

You have no say in that.

What you have a say in, is simply this, who you are right now.

I'll steal a quote from Breton to Gman w/ my reply here....

You know, even if it is not MLC, I do think that a big part of what makes the A appealing is that it is not real. There isn't as much of an issue with, say, dirty socks on the floor. You hang around for a while and leave.

Marriage involves bills and dirty socks and a lot of the familiar. and familiarity breeds contempt.

Every once in a while someone puts a gigantic emotional ball of crap succinctly into a couple of precise words. Excellent description!

Oh, and familiarity DOES breed contempt, just like a lack of respect destroys the ability to like or love someone.

I guess that's what the 180's are all about. Rebuilding respect gives us the foundation for them to come back.

Also,

But hey, the next day I'm re-reading her txt messages from months past like I was gonna find a hidden gem, the answer to all my woes or a greater insight that would give me the answer to get her back. Same old messages. I think I am starting to see how important DR is in making ME better for ME in the long run. Maybe that's PMA.

Yes, that's where PMA comes in. More importantly, this is also a lesson in "get used to it." It's harsh, but true. Same old messages. There's a reason for that.

a greater insight that would give me the answer to get her back.

The reason is that it isn't there.

She'll ask you to be more "sensitive," you will, then it's "less controlling," you will, then it's "more active and fit," you will, then it's more "outgoing," you will.

You will and you will to save your marriage. Guess what plastic man?

It won't.

What she is doing is finding excuses to leave, and for every imagined shortcoming that you "correct," she'll make up another.

Eventually, you will be living a pretend life that you'll never be able to sustain, and there's always one more fault.

DB/DR is about getting back to the person you were before, or rather, who you really are inside when you are comfortable being yourself.

That's your best hope, to "be" the old you, someone who she can come back to b/c that's who she fell in love with.

If she doesn't want that anymore, then you being plastic man will only prolong the agony.


I won't quote it all, but the paragraph you wrote about her coming over strikes a pretty common chord. Her behavior is almost passive aggressive in tone, and you're right not to let it draw you in to the drama.

Don't. It's just one more thing she can lay on the wrong side of the balance.

Good job letting it roll off your back. Keep on in that fashion.

You see, it don't mean S, b/c there'll always be one more thing right now.

Keep on working on you, who you were, who you are, who you want to be. Make it real, not "for her!"


Keep moving towards judging the situation and not her. She's judging herself enough right now for both of you, even if you don't see it. You're doing a 180 right there.

If I could go back to my "bad times," the biggest thing I would do different is to let go of more anger, and be more understanding. I would have let a lot more conflict go. For me, so I wouldn't still be letting it go now. I thought I was, but hindsight.....


Good progress man, keep it up.

Working on a name change yet?

Best,

Punkt.