Hi Mr. Lost, I hope you stay and fight it out. I read your earlier posts and thought you called it quits, so happy to see you are still DBing.
I moved out. And it was the best move I've made.
Basically, H left in early December. Then he was staying a with a good buddy and coming to our place to see our S. Around Christmas things were bad. "We'd be divorced by now if it weren't for the economy"...."This marriage is over"......and just about every way you can think to say we're done, he did. H would come to the house during his breaks, after work, during the weekends to cook, tape his shows, do his laundry, etc. Simply put, he had the best of both worlds: no responsibilities at home and could leave whenever he wanted to go have a beer with his buddy to unwind and hit the hay. So eventually I set up a schedule where he now has our S on Monday, Wednesday until 8:30 and every other Thursday and every opposite weekend. Now, the irony here is I have more freedom and he has less. This is when I really started to GAL! And I love it. My H was having an EA with a co-worker. I knew it was never going to go beyond that and was able to embrace that and wait it out. As I thought, that imploded and exploded. Once that happened in mid January, things started to get better with me and H. I have a therapist who is wonderful and has really helped me. But I got a DB coach too and that has been worth every penny. I added the DB coach's advice to what I was already doing from Divorce Remedy and my therapist and really started to work hard. Things got even better with some back slides, but nothing horrible. (I am human afterall.) But right after Valentine's Day, H pissed me off some kind of fierce, so I told him the next day, I'm moving. He tried to stop me, even tried to use our S as a guilt trip. But I moved forward and moved out. There were many gasps here and I understood, it was a HUGE gamble. But I got a point where I was ready to do something, make an impact and for so long he's called ALL of the shots. I'm happy to say that while my husband still says things along the lines of the big D, he doesn't use the word. And since moving out, he and I have had the best conversations since this all started. He has actually given me firm examples of his unhappiness whereas before it was "I'm just unhappy." My H is now flirting with me and continues to see us everyday, even at my new place. Last night he said "I don't know what I want anymore." I don't know if he was referring to the possible divorce or what, but I simply said "You're probably the smartest man I know. You'll figure it out and you'll do the right thing." The hug I got after that.......there are no words. But for me, moving was the impact I needed to make. It worked for me, but I knew it was a HUGE, MASSIVE gamble so I'm not recommending it for you, but just letting you know, it did seemingly work for me. I'll keep you updated. And really it's still a roller coaster, I still get knots in my tummy. But I'm DBing my A$$ off here.
and one more thing--he wants to have a "slumber party" on Friday. He wants to build a tent in the middle of the living room, which will be a first for our almost 3 year old son. So, we'll see.
Well, I'm glad the logic is sound, let's just hope it jives with her rationale.
Didn't really see her today. She had to go with her dad to the doctor, so I had to drop off and pick up the kids from school. Saw her for a bit at her parents when I dropped the kids off. She's home now, but she's busy packing for her trip. She leaves tomorrow very early, so she's off to bed in a bit.
The next few days I get to spend some quality time with the kids. I get to go on a field trip with them tomorrow and then they don't have school on Friday so I have all day with them. She gets back late Saturday night, so basically Saturday will be all day as well. I just need to figure out how to keep them occupied.
SLH- I'm not leaving until after she gets back from her trip this weekend. I'm not going to bring it up until next week. I can better gauge where she's at emotionally and approach it appropriately. Also, by waiting until next week, I'm not springing it on her as soon as she gets back. Also, I don't plan on leaving immediately because it will give us time to get together what we are going to tell the kids. That is going to be the hardest part, I think.
Mr. Lost, Are you sure you want to leave? Are you sure that is the right thing for you? Remember: I took a HUGE gamble when I left, forcing my H back into the house alone. One of the things for us is that he HATES to be alone and right now, he's physically alone which weighs on him greatly, gives him time to think. You really really need to think this through and know it's the right thing for you. Maybe you could put a time frame on it? A time when you would return....????
Yes, I am sure. While it isn't exactly how I would want it to go, I really think that the longer I stay, the longer she will concentrate on how much she wants out.
She left for Vegas yesterday morning about 3 AM. I got up with her, warmed up her car, and helped her take her stuff to the car. She told me she would miss the kids and I told her they would be fine. I even got a hug (though it was distant and kind of forced, it was still nice) before she pulled away.
I have not called her the entire trip because I know that this is her time to get away for a bit. She hasn't seen her friend outside of a funeral home in a long time.
So, anyway, she called a couple of times, but immediately asked about the kids and hung up. It's almost like she can't wait to get off the phone with me. But I also know that she has a lot to do in a short time and probably needs the space, so I don't think much of it.
SO what I've been up to while she was gone... I have moved the kids playroom from the downstairs to an upstairs room, and turned the downstairs playroom into a study. I put the french doors back on so that she can actually close the doors if she is studying and can still see the kids in the family room. I also patched up some places on the walls where there were nail-holes from previous pictures that were there and painted over them with a fresh coat. I'm hoping tomorrow I can polish the hardwood floors and hang up some new pictures we have of the kids. She gets in tomorrow night at 10:15 so that gives me until 11:30 to try to finish up and clean up before she gets home. She knows nothing about it, so this will all be a suprise. We've been living in gloom too long and no matter what the future holds for me, I can't see having my kids live in it. The house is not dirty or in shambles (I know it sounds like that from what I've been saying), but it almost always seems as if we're just living here temporarily. Since everything has been up in the air for the past three years, I didn't focus on anything long term, so I figured as a mega-180 I'd devote as much time as I could with her out of the house to changing it from a house into a home. Even if I leave, I'd be more comfortable knowing that I left it in that condition.
What a wonderful lot of work for her and your family. Quite a statement and a lot of work. You should be enjoying your time alone with the kids. But I commend you on it all. I am sure it will be a pleasant but confusing surprise for her. You certainly would win me over.
I really like the sentiment of what you did, but it is especially shows your view of a larger picture and positive thinking regardless of the outcome.
I have spent as much time with the kids as possible. Today I had them "help" me. (They're only five) I just had them hand me things or carry something (small) upstairs or downstairs. I figure if they feel involved they might actually have a bit more respect for the house and its upkeep when they see the result. Tomorrow I have them all day and evening to myself again. I hope that I can keep them involved as she gets back tomorrow night. The last thing I need is for her to come home to the house in shambles and me covered in paint.
This time away (it's really only been like two days) has done me some good too. I'm almost considering a different approach. Depending on how she is when she returns I may just work my way into a blunt conversation telling her why divorce is a bad idea. It really puts everyone in a bad spot. And to think in a very short time we could be in a good spot and pull ourselves out of this mess, and to give up now would almost nullify the past 8.5 years of trying to break out it. It would all be for nothing. Not to mention the hardship we're placing on the kids, and on ourselves because of the kids. If she was upset because she had to leave them for two or three days, she's going to have to face that on a weekly basis.
However, I would also like to point out how easy it is to be that blunt in a post on a forum. Like I said previously, neither of us are very good at confrontational communication. So I'm not saying that this actually what I'm going to do, but I'm just kind of journaling my thoughts.
Journalling on here is good and letter writing is good for people who have a hard time saying what they really think. I would expect her to have a reaction going either direction. But you are putting your best behavior out there and showing her that you are invested and what you want. You aren't waiting for her, you are welcoming of her. Your ideas will help you to feel better either way.
Just completed the book and it seems to me that I started DBing a couple weeks ago -- she declared absolute intent to divorce on 2/13 -- when in fact I should have LRT'd.
