Well...

[SDFoundGirl]

So, as I posted here not so long ago, I'd found out H was still in contact with LW after he'd agreed on no contact but work. I've been working really hard to dealing with my own reactions and feelings to that, but still feeling irritated because he was lying to me simply by hiding it. How do you move forward if you don't have trust in your partner?

Contact had reduced considerably over the past couple of months, and H and I have both really stepped it up on our own to work on our M. Things had definitely shifted, suddenly, for us. Still, every time I saw that they'd had contact, I got upset and would withdraw a little each time. I've been journaling, making art, and processing it all with a really good friend, but I never said anything to H because I feared he'd just become a better liar.

Well, in the past 2-ish weeks, I've run into LW THREE times. Mind you, I've never run into her out and about before. Yet, in the space of 2 weeks, I have to see her ugly mugs three different times. I don't believe in coincidences; this was too extraordinary.

The first time she nearly hit me with her car in the parking lot when I was going to pick up some lunch before a meeting I had to attend. My stomach ended up in my throat, and it really rattled me. I congratulated myself for not cussing at her or ramming my car into her SUV (a strange car choice for a single tree-hugging woman, but okay).

The second time I ran into her at the Y where she works. The thing is, she didn't use to work at that branch, so I didn't expect to see her there.

The third time was today as I was sitting and getting my hair cut. In she walks to get her frizzy hair dyed by the stylist directly behind my stylist. I know she saw me...and just ignored me. I was thankful for that, and I just followed her lead. But, WTF??? The salon is nowhere near her house, her work, or the former branch she went to. It's not trendy or anything other than an ordinary salon. Yet somehow it's HER salon too, and she's scheduled an appointment at the same dang time I'm there.

I had a moment of sheer panic, and I have never been so happy in my life that my male stylist is over the top funny. He kept cracking jokes and I honestly had a great time for the remainder of the time I was there. I gave him an extra big tip.

So, I came home, and H asked how the cut went, how my day was, etc., and I made the decision then to just say it all out loud. I told him I was pretty sure LW was stalking me (not really), as I'd run into her three dang times in the past two weeks. We ended up having a really long conversation where we talked about the following things:

1. How I knew he was still talking to her. Initially he said, well I work with her, and I said yeah, but a 40-minute conversation and her being the first person you call when you get back into town after we just had tough time over the holidays isn't work related. He then admits that he called to catch up with her since he "couldn't" go to her Xmas party (then shifted to "didn't") and it was just friends stuff.

2. I told him that the reason I can't let this go is that he's lying to me about having no contact, and that if it were really on the up and up, he wouldn't have to lie to me. I told him I wasn't willing to have a marriage where we lie to each other. It keeps us apart. I told him I'd rather him tell me he wasn't going to stop talking to her than to just become a better liar.

3. I also told him that a real sticking point for me is he's never admitted that he crossed a line that really damaged our marriage. I told him I considered what he did an affair and explained about emotional affairs. I told him that was why I couldn't accept a friendship between them. H really listened to me and admitted that he'd done something that damaged our relationship and that he'd realized that and pulled back to work on us in MC eventually.

4. H said he really was just friends with LW, and that he doesn't believe in or even know how to drop someone as your friend. How could he explain that to her? I asked him how he could shift from having feelings for her to just seeing her as a friend. He told me it was just a decision he made, because he was with who he wanted to be, me. He said he chose me, chooses me daily, and loves me. I don't know that I completely buy the whole he just switched off his feelings for her thing, but I do believe he's committed to me.

5. We both agreed that things are getting really good between us as we've both been working really hard on the R.

6. H said that if it was really going to hurt our R, he'd figure out a way to end his friendship with LW. He doesn't know how you do that, but he said that was his problem and not mine. (Me, I say it's just you don't answer her calls and/or cut them short when they drift toward non-work subjects. But that's his learning, not mine.)

It was a really calm, really good conversation. I just told H I didn't want a marriage where we couldn't be honest and real with each other. I want the truth, and I don't want there to be anything we can't talk about.

I am so proud of myself and how far I've come. I actually said what I wanted to say and needed to say, and let go of my fear/worry of how H would react. I spoke up for myself, and everything is on the table about what I know and how I feel about it. It feels so darn good.

How long did this take? Nearly three years. H started mooning over LW in February of 2006, he bombed me in May 2006, and I feel like I have the opportunity to really let go and really move forward in March 2009. In the process, I've learned to be brave and honest and authentic. That's pretty darn good.

SD