You mentioned that your S8 has been acting up, even though he knows that it will reflect badly on you and may be a custody problem.
Please, please tell me that you haven't said any of the above to him directly...
Giving kids news like this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. He acts out because you are sending the message that you are EXPECTING him to act out, and worse, that if he does, if he fails, he will loose time with you, AND disappoint/hurt you. Talk about stressing out an 8 year old!!! It happens because he is so worried that it WILL happen!
What the others' said about an IC for the kids is crucial.
Judges, Ls, etc., understand the trauma that kids go through when parents divorce. They have seen it a thousand times, unfortunately. Nothing your kids do will surprise them. They also will recognize that kids usually act up more with the SAFE, STABLE parent. You will bear the brunt of it because they know in their hearts that you will love them, no matter what. Their mother has demonstrated that this is not the case with her. You do something she doesn't like, and SHE LEAVES!
You have to stand up and be a man for those boys (I hope that doesn't sound too harsh). Your X is no better than you as a parent. You have to have confidence in your parenting skills, and do what you have to in order to gain those TEACHABLE SKILLS if necessary. I am SO glad to hear that you are back in IC! Take a parenting course, read books that the IC can suggest. I found a local group who offers bereavement groups for kids who are dealing with a death or divorce of a parent - it was good for them to be around other kids who could share similar thoughts, make them feel like they weren't alone. Talking to the school counselor is a good idea; they know about resources like this. While the kids were in group, a social worker also met with the parents to share, vent, offer suggestions, etc.
No excuses on getting the kids the help they need. That has to be your #1 priority right now. Start searching the web tonight, email the school and ICs over the weekend. THAT is what will matter to the boys the most, and stand out to any third party looking at your parenting - NOT if the kids are acting out! It is how you RESPOND that will be looked at!!! Don't fold up, wither and give up, just when those kids need you most!
btw, your stbx cannot steal away your happiness, just as she couldn't be the one who "made" you happy. Like love, that is a choice. Start a gratitude journal and start being grateful for all that is - you will find a lot. Look for those things, especially when your head wants to make you obsess about the bad (says the lady who spent too long in too deep a hole). AD's are not a bad thing. I've been on them for about 2 years, and only last month starting weaning off them. Been in IC since 11/06...first it was about the bomb and all of that. Now, it is to continue with my own growth. I want to be the best person I can be. For myself, and for my kids.
