WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice V

[25yearsmlc]

Just checking in to say hi, and see how you are. All in all, given "the givens", you are moving along pretty well.

How are the GAL activities going? Other than going out with buddies, are you taking a class or a hobby or joining a group? Seems like that would help you with the "down time" and you'd meet people who won't remind you of W at all. New people.

Just a thought. Also, the drinking is a two edged sword. I love a glass of wine and a hot bath. It's fun to have a "girl's night out" too. But if I were to get seriously buzzed or have a hang over--that's my definition of having too much, is feeling it the next day or waking up to recall doing or saying something regrettable or embarrassing. . I'm a tad oversensitive to this issue as the daughter of a highly functioning alcoholic who dictated our childhood with his moods. I admit that, alright? But along with that biased sensitivity comes some insights as well. Since drinking WAS at least one issue for you and your w with the jealousies, (and her drinking now) I think you should keep an eye on it, or at least know in the back of your mind it did NOT help your marriage or your attitude.

I always wondered about what my father thought of his drinking. He was a very well educated man. High stress job at a governmental agency he could not discuss and oh, nine kids born in 12 years...

I am positive, that No one ever told him he was the "life of the party" and I certainly KNOW that there were so many many times he'd get up in the morning and know he'd done something stupid or crappy the night before. Never apologized that I can recall, just acted as if it was somehow justified or he'd work on it, or whatever. And he kept drinking until after my mother left him and filed for a sep. THEN He asked all 9 of us children about his drinking and as far as I know we each said essentially the same thing--"yeah dad, you're brilliant and educated with a great job--and you are also a raging alcoholic too and you did some lousy things those Saturday nights--"

He got really depressed about those answers...and joined AA and got a lot better. For 7 years they were sep and began "dating" again and living close to each other. Mom got cancer and dad took care of her and she's fine now. Dad got liver cancer and died. Yes, it was related to his drinking.

Just rambling here to see if any of it resonates. Doesn't have to. Just passing it on. I do think heavy drinkers almost always underestimate how much they drink and almost always underestimate the damage done by the awkward, or hostile situations they create.

At least you know it was a problem. How will it be different if you and w were to reconcile?

What are you modelling now for your children? In drinking, in jealousy management, in forgiveness. I hear a lot of "that'll show her" in your words. Sounds angry or at least punitive. And it really isn't our job as LBSers to show the WAS the consequences of their actions. Remember that life will do that for us. It certainly is doing that for your w. Try not to gloat too much, though of course sometimes it is hard not to.

Take care, I know how hard this is. (Yes I do...been there, done that). It does get better and will continue to, with a 2 steps forward 1 step back way, no matter what your w does.

((( j )))