So I have to either reject my sister and turn down her offer (which was kind of a peace offering to me and a good way for me to get out and do something I enjoy), or hurt my W by spending time with my Sister.
Okay, well that is better understood since you put it like that. So, what did you sister think when you told her that your W would not be going along? Had you sister invited her to go also? B/c if she did, and since you sort of asked your wife like it was a second thought (which under different circumstance, would have been handled perfectly)you may have both women with tender spots now. If your sister seemed hurt or disappointed about your W not going, maybe you will have a chance to tell your sister that you wanted to have the chance for just the two of you to get out together. Or, you may tell her that you didn't tell your W until the last minute and didn't really press the invitation. I just hate to see these two ladies hurting b/c I have been in a family where--nothing like that happened--but other things made it very tense for everyone. It may seem that I am adding to your burdens and I don't mean to do that, so I'll change the subject.
I realize that "detaching" is very difficult when living in the same house, but that is about all that you can do with small children still at home. I really do not like for anyone to use the term going "dark" unless they live apart from their spouse and do not have to co-parent. I think it can be done in somesituations where the couple are co-parenting, but it is very hard and most people are not too good at it. I have noticed a lot of people lately using the term "going dim" and I suppose they are using that term in place of "detaching", but I could understand how confusing it would all seem to a newcomer. It is just my opinion, but I think if you are all warm and fuzzy one day and then call yourself going back on "dim" the next.....what is a spouse suppose to think except that it is YOU that's nuts! They see YOU as beeing the one that is "moody" if you are all smiles one day and "dark" the next! Doesn't that seem logical? We don't want to appear to be on a roller coaster also. We are the ones that are suppose to be stable in the R.
Anyway, everyone to their own different taste on "word play", I suppose. I go along with the word "detach" b/c that is what MWD uses in her DR book to teach about how to back away and give a person breathing room when they start with all this ILYBINILWY business. Married people are so afraid to use this principle of pulling back b/c they say that was one of the S's complaints in the past. Yes......."in the past" but not now. Now....it's too little too late.....(the way they look at it). It thrills me to see a person have the courage to use this principle and see how it actually "draws" their spouse to them whenever they detach. They are just so afraid of doing that b/c they are afraid of the spouse walking away. If only they would stop acting so boring--like life was going to fall off of them, and start being fun for people to be around and acting excited about life, and especially get their focus off the spouse and onto themselves......it would not be long until they would see a 180 change in their spouses and their lives together. But, trying to get folks to "believe" that it will work is the hardest thing........that, and them keeping their mouths shut!
This is what I mainly wanted to say about what was posted last night and this morning. Whatever your spouse wanted in the M "before" they plunged into MLC or an A or whatever is going on with them at this time.........you cannot handle it the same way you would have and could have handled it back during that time they were wanting you to change. Why??? B/c they have changed into a different person now. What they once wanted so badly, they may not care at all about now.....it just depends on the different situations. It could be that their emotional needs went unmet for so long that everything is different now. For an example, I wanted my H to be very attentive, but after so many years of not getting what I needed.......and a lot of things happening that I won't get into right now, him being attentive was the last thing I wanted from him b/c it meant him hoovering over me and I felt as though I could not breathe when he did that. My daughter even made the statement that she thought that was what I wanted! She was shocked that I complained about it to her. Well, that was before I went into my temporary state of insanity. Once I was in my crises mode, I didn't want him anywhere around me. So, that is why I am try get your attention about this, and yours also Stillloveshim, b/c what you once could have done to improve the marriage--is not going to work that way now. It is like reading these little sweet books about how to add that spark back to your M and then reading DR which is how to bust a divorce and have yourself come through the crisis being a better person regardless of what your spouse does. I have read so many of those little add zest to your M type books until I could throw up, and I even applied them, but did it help me when things really go bad? Nope! However, what I learned on this board and from MWD did help a lot. I'll have to admit that it was coming here every night and having people talk straight to me that was what woke me up more than even the book, but then I was the WAW and not too many of them read the book, usually it is the LBS. However, the book did help me.
Thinker, I remember one night after my H and I were going to try to use one of Smalley's books, "Love is a Decision" as sort of a guide to read and to discuss, but I had not completely reached that point of being willing "to be willing". My H wanted me to read outloud and then we would talk. Or at least that is what we were "suppose" to do each night. The first time, he acted as if he was trying, but by the second time, I could tell that it was going to be like it had always been our entire M. I would talk and he would just sit there........and if I waited and refused to say anything until he answered a question? He would finally have to tell me he didn't know what to say. Talk about your feathers falling! About the third time we tried it, I looked over at him sitting there as I was reading the chapter and his eyes were about to close shut--he was so sleepy. The fourth night, I told him I didn't feel like doing it and he hasn't said anymore about it since. So, see how excited he was? Well, I was determined that it was not going to be like it had always been in the past. If he wanted me to stay with him, he needed to open up and talk to me. So, he didn't open up and we didn't talk. I am not suggesting that others do that!! It is a long story and I can't go into my reasons behind why I felt that way, but anyway, I did stay and things are okay, but it is b/c I had to "accept" it the way it is and realize that my H was not going to change and that there were certain things that would not change. I know a lot of this doesn't make sense to some, but you'll just have to trust me on that.
To try to sum it up, let me say again that what Michelle teaches is the best for busting a divorce. All the other books are like suplements to use. With Michelle's teaching, you learn to save yourself along the way. You have to think differently than you thought in the past. You have to see your spouse differently than in the past. Both of you are older and both of you have changed.
Anyway Thinker, don't reject your sister. She is sorry and feels terrible about what happened. You are blesssed that the baby did not have some major trama over a head injury. It will take some healing time for your wife, but hopefully if your sister won't give up and just continue to try to give your W time to get over that stituation, things will be okay.
This is longer than I meant it to be, guess I got to rambling.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
