Had our first 'real' conversation about anything since 2/21. Just focused on D(1).
Said I was "controlling" which is why she has been "controlling" of our D(1)...
Said I have never physically hurt D(1) but she is "worried" because I didn't do enough when we were married and thinks she isn't getting changed/etc. when she is with me.
Told her that she could "just ask" because I do keep a record of when I do.
She said I can't have visits except at m.i.l. house - which I won't do because of the things that have been done and said there that make me worry about the legal situation. (m.i.l. has said she'd testify to events she didn't witness because she believes W).
All in all, told her I didn't care if we were having a D, I just asked her to quit coming up with reasons to hate me. We needed to leave the past in the past and just focus on D(1)'s interests.
Asked if she'd like to go to parenting classes, counseling, something - she said she'd agree to C, but she doesn't really care about the details. I guess just to say she went and it "wasn't for her."
She looked drained, empty, etc. and seemed fairly talkative, at least more so than she has been. It didn't take much prodding to get her back into "everything is your fault!" mode, and honestly I did it on purpose today so that I could collect additional evidence.
Hard to DB when a child is involved...
Anyway, Sandi I hope you read my above post. I'm not angry - just focused on what I have to do now.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Today W was a bit more talkative. She text-messaged me wanting me to bring D(1) some diapers. I took time at lunch to run 20 by, and she sort of acted like she was disappointed I didn't bring more. I told her I'd bring more when she needed them.
This morning when I saw D(1) she spoke with me for a bit, and I asked her if it'd be fine to have a chat via phone to discuss D(1)'s week, and she seemed like that would be okay.
I'm trying to focus specifically on D(1), but there is that part of me that wants to reach out to W and work on the M... but I know that would be counter-productive and it probably sends a mixed message when I'm reaching out the olive branch with one hand and whacking her with a stick with the other.
With OM still in the picture it is a moot point, and I've avoided discussing the A with her any longer. I'm a fairly long-term person so I understand that will work itself out one way or the other. I just hate the fact we are going to blow thousands of dollars before she wakes up and decides maybe it wasn't such a good idea.
So my focus is to relentlessly and methodically pursue custody of D(1). I'm going to focus on my children's best interests, and I'm going to work to better the situation for all of us with or without W.
I just hate the fact that W has taken us down this path... but I'm more resigned than angry.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Weekend was alright. Spent time with my boys. W decided to 'allow' me to see D(1) at a park for 30 minutes. Temporary Custody hearing is Wednesday, and I think I've prepared about as well as I can prepare. Several pretty obvious lies she has made, and I have the documentation to disprove.
Also have been thinking... each day I detach more and more from W... I'm not sure if there is going to be any going back at this point - or if she's worth going back to. I'm willing to say our marriage was ripe for an A, there were issues that needed to be worked on - but that still doesn't excuse it.
I fully anticipate at some point she will crash and realize OM is against every single core value she has ever discussed wanting for her life. Every since I've known her, it was husband + house + kids = happy. Once she got what she wanted, it seemed to take its toll on her, and since I was her first 'real' relationship she sort of hasn't known how to respond to problems.
I've been married once before, and it is definitely hard to adjust to someone. For me it was easier the second time, but for her she basically did great until D(1) came along and her dad died.
So yes, there is that part of me that is understanding and compassionate. There is also the part of me that feels my relationship with D(1) threatened which is prepared to go ruthless, for the throat, etc. (legally speaking). I've been amazed at all the ammunition I've got, mostly testimony I'd have to give, but also documentation, audio, video, and other things which make my case that much stronger.
Either she'll begin to consider things when things get 'real' in the D, or she'll continue her fantasy. Part of me thinks her fighting for custody is more her mom's doing than anything, she seems to be led along and has no focus for the future. My W is an easily led person, which I suppose makes it hard for me to make any sort of headway when I'm on the outs.
So... detaching, LRT, GAL, etc. seems to be going fine. I feel better, W seems more unsure of herself and isn't quite as flagrant with her text messaging, etc. I think her quality time with OM has been drastically lessened outside of phone/text chat because mil/bil for all their circling the wagons they do know I have *something* on her and aren't wanting me to get more.
The time I've spent around her she's been polite, as have I. We haven't had any R talks, but we have discussed C for the purpose of "communicating" with each other. Not sure how best to go about that. She hasn't seemed interested in staying M, but she doesn't seem like she has much conviction when she discusses the D. She says she definitely wants it - but she just seems guilty/unsure/whatever in her body language.
Me? I'm going to be the best guy I can be. Going to work on moving on in my life, and if she follows so be it. But I'm not dependent on her for what I'm going to do.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I'm fairly pissed for you. I'm not giving advice at the moment...but if it were me in your situation, I would NEVER get back together with a spouse that withheld my child from me. There is far too much of this in our society, women that view kids as their possessions. I'm hopeful that you'll get an agreeable legal solution to all this.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I'm fairly pissed for you. I'm not giving advice at the moment...but if it were me in your situation, I would NEVER get back together with a spouse that withheld my child from me. There is far too much of this in our society, women that view kids as their possessions. I'm hopeful that you'll get an agreeable legal solution to all this.
All the things she is doing seems to be overcompensating. She feels like I'm going to "take her baby" when I filed an answer/counter-claim to her papers, and her response has been to withhold visitation/custody except for brief periods where she has wanted to control access.
She withheld D(1) from my father even though she had agreed to it the prior week, and he only gets to see her a few times a year anyway.
There is going to be a reckoning. I'm building quite the boatload of ammunition and she has no idea.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
It speaks volumes about a person that would do that to their child and a person that they once professed to love. If I went on a date with her and she started telling me how she required the father to have supervised visitation, for no apparent reason, it would be the last she'd hear from me.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Temporary custody hearing tomorrow. She has D(1) so we'll see how things go. Lawyers said judges typically go with the W anyway regardless, and I have to use my ammunition after the hearing to work back towards custody.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Temporary custody hearing tomorrow. She has D(1) so we'll see how things go. Lawyers said judges typically go with the W anyway regardless, and I have to use my ammunition after the hearing to work back towards custody.
W and her lawyer seemed shell-shocked, she agreed to way more than a judge would have given. I fired a broadside with the A evidence + the evidence on her prior mental history and all of a sudden they are trying to de-escalate and back off. The abuse claims seem to rely on a picture when she was pregnant where she had a bruise. I do remember her falling one time at the daycare when a child ran into her and having a bruise from that.
I was confident, collected, organized, W was sitting there with her arms folded and wouldn't look me in the eye. I built a ton of my own case file, and provided my attorneys with it - and they seemed "inspired" by the case I had built, and are ready to run with it.
Her attorney said "Well even with all this the best he'll do is joint custody." - but that is more than they've offered. So I'll keep plugging away.
DB-stuff is on hold really. Unfortunately I've got more pressing concerns than whether she'll straighten out mentally.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Just from the WAW standpoint... she still seems to be in denial... even though she looked like a bomb hit her yesterday, today she just seems... arrogant... as if she'll be able to lie her way out of everything. Unfortunately I think her attorney is starting to recognize that she might not want to pick this fight, because I'm prepared to go to war, and she really isn't.
Video tape evidence, journal entries (for both of us), audio evidence, picture evidence, third party witness accounts, etc.
Basically... I'm sitting here with a lot of stuff. She showed up with her purse and "H is a jerk!" on her lips. She seems to know she's busted, but she would rather go down in flames than admit that I'm right.
Hopefully her attorney backs her down.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I'm going to take the educated guess that she has LIED to her attorney thus far, perhaps even pretty substantially, and that her atty was surprised by what you had.
Personally, there are only a few people in life to whom I think it makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER to lie to, morality aside:
Your doctor. Your lawyer. Your individual counselor.
Yet wayward spouses almost always lie to all three.
