I've just read through your sitch. I'd like to offer something I realized in mine. Puppy asked why you're afraid of your wife and you replied because you don't want to push her away, etc.
I think the common theme in those points is fear. Fear of losing her, fear of life alone, fear of the unknown. I realized that I was letting fear (those and others) run my life. When I decided I was not going to do that anymore is when I was able to really look at my R and analyze is for what it truly is, something like Lucky suggested doing.
It's not easy, believe me I know this. But mull it over and see if that makes sense for you. If you can let go of the fear it is so much easier to do all the other DB things: detaching, focusing on yourself, letting your W work on her own issues because you understand you cannot do it for her.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
DanceQueen - normally I dealt with their kid nonsense in a fairly measured way, but that day I was out of mind (turn volume to "11"): That's it! I've had it! You want to XYZ? Fine! All your toys? Gone! All your stuffed animals? Gone! TV? Gone!... and add more in the same vein for several minutes of pacing, red-faced, screaming gibberish followed by several minutes of stunned silence and then "Never mind, just go to bed" and me on the phone to the C saying, "Doc, I've lost my mind. Something's gone wrong in my head. I was so angry I couldn't see."
That's a very good question. It's also quite similar to one my W asked me on the phone, which was "Why do you think YOU're the one for me?"
(Which is different question since there's obviously other(s), at least in an emotional sense. Totally busted her texting at my desk after she thought I'd gone to bed but came back to the workroom for something. I told her I was troubled by the online affair, she denied and said it was only once or twice -- lie. We'll get the phone bill, I said. Defiance. About what you'd expect. Anyway, back to LuckGirl's question.)
I'm sure you can all relate that it's wierd to try to enumerate WHY you want the person who doesn't want you, especially when it's so easy to fall into the pattern of highlighting their hurts to you in this community.
The first time I met her, I told my very close friend, "I'm going to marry her." She is smart, articulate, interesting; I love hearing her stories about travel or stupid/silly things that happen at work. I admire her and her achievements. When I am with her, and times are good, I can't imagine being anyplace else. She feels like "home" to me.
I don't overlook her shortcomings, and I don't hesitate to CALL them shortcomings. She's not the world's greatest mother, in either the functional or emotional sense. My family, rallying around me in this crisis (but they've only had the movie trailer version, none of the details), all admitted (after 9 years!) that they find her priorities to be backwards -- work, travel, family. And that's probably an accurate description of her priorities -- I think there was co-dependency on her part, as on mine, and that she took advantage of my family-centeredness.
It occured to me today that, when she complains at MC that I was "checked out," SHE was checked out too. Get home from work late, we'd only have an hour or so together, so the last thing either wants is a "talk." But then she complains that I was checked out and wouldn't have a "talk" about the need for counseling!
Do I know there are "other fish in the sea?" Yes. But I feel like I caught my limit. In spite of her shortcomings, she "feels" right for me. She has always said how "opposite" we are. Even MC pointed that out in MC's summary of Session #1. But that seems right to me. Of course we're opposites, because together we're whole.
Or at least I always thought so. Now she says she's "whole" just fine without Dr Hemlock, thank you very much.
MC Session #2 is in 1 week. It might be MC Session Last. Might not.
I'll reverse reply again. DanceQueen -- no she didn't witness it. I told her about it and the action I took. I suppose it surely had an effect. But she demeans the action I took in a way -- you "only" went to counseling because of the kids, not because I asked you to. My best friend says that shouldn't matter -- the point is that I saw something needed to change and changed it, but she seems to think that the reason is what matters.
LuckyGirl: My best attribute? I looked at Match.com today and thought, "Jiminy -- how could I ever deal with this??" I'm smart -- damned smart and quick-witted. People think I'm funny. I'm good to people generally. No one ever questions my parenting and most admire it. I'm fair-to-partly-sunny in the boudoir, I suppose.
What do I need to work on? Calmness. (Doing that) Being present (doing that). Patience -- hey look! something shiny! Openness (starting that road). Listening (Much better in past 12 mos). Skills in the boudoir (would have worked on it, but....).
She's at it again. If I loved her I'd let her free. There's no way we'll reconcile. She wants to date and have s*x. All we have to do is consult with the therapist on how to tell the kids. Why wait? I have no love for you. I have no feelings for you. You're a great father. You're a nice guy. But that's all.
Sitting alone at this computer, every fiber of me wants to just say "okay" and get it over with it. Take the bullet.
But that wouldn't be what I want. And I hate it. I hate every minute of it.
DB and DR. Dark it is. 6 days until next scheduled MC. Let's see if papers arrive before then. I think I messed myself up pretty good today w/ some backsliding that ran on until it was too late.
Meant to post earlier but busy day. Had an odd experience in her car this a.m. I dropped mine off for service, she drove me back to house. Had an "R" talk - can't seem to stop them. She got very mad, unloaded, and then seemed a bit better. We sat in the driveway for a couple minutes, and I basically told her that I understood, didn't accept -- all the stuff that's upthread. To disengage, I thought I'd give her a compliment, but not a "husbandly" compliment, even after the previous nite's engagement.
So I said, Whatever happens, you're a great woman and people recognize that. I'm not great. Tear. Look at what I'm doing. Tear.
Then the odd thing -- she then said, "And look what YOU'RE doing. I would never do that."
It sort of hung there in the air, so I broke contact (get out first!) and with a "have a great day" sent her on her way.
But that sentence -- look what you're doing, I would never do that. Can't figure out if that's a good sentence or a bad one. Is it recognition of the DBing or rejection of it?
