And, then, I'm not sure I should really say much about not getting a break or feeling lonely because he could easily look at me like "WTF. You get to stay home and I'm running around selling my soul and you're NOT HAPPY??" That thought comes from my martyr place: I truly feel like I SHOULD be happy with all that I have.
This is a very tough one for sure. That does come from your Martyr Place love but they are still your feelings. I lived in a beautiful house once too, with a view and a pool in the back and I am/was blessed, It didn't change that I was 'lonely' or 'depressed' My H would say. " what more do you want ?" when I would lose it with the kids. I was a Mom 24/7. I was not Ali for more than a Minute a day. I lost me and he lost me. Eh~ long story. Lucky~ I am so glad you are here. I do think you need a break just a tiny bit of time for you. Like D~ is saying. Some alone girly time. It will feel funny and sinful at first but try it. { well it did for me I had 5 kids} Can you find a baby sitter just for you , to take Yoga or go sit and have a coffee?
Keep posting. And guess what? none of your thoughts are dumb. You are beautiful { saw your pics} and intelligent,loving and bright. You are just down feeling like POO today. Love , Ali
Getting time alone. It's funny, because H has always seemed so concerned about me taking a break. And I felt just fine, like I wasn't sitting here needing one. But it just fell on me, I guess. I do need a break from my little treasure. I got exasperated this morning as I was trying to put together a tedious project and he would stop whining and inserting himself in between me and the table. I looked at him and said, "What, what, what????" sharply. He looked heartbroken and I had to stop everything and hug him. And then I think, "Oh God. That stuff does damage. Even just a LOOK can do damage." And then I realized I'm at the end of my rope.
I moved here for my career when I was 26. My family is all over the place, but none are here. My friends all work. I have one really great friend, who is spiritual and has been on quite a journey of her own, that lives nearby. She is the one person that offers. I've only taken her up on it once. But, I think she's the one to ask. She absolutely loves the baby. I don't want to get into everything with an SOS, so I'll just ask her if she can watch him tomorrow. The baby and I are visiting a friend for her 40th birthday tonight after she gets off work. Must shake it off and get my "Happy Birthday" face on. (Insert "Boss" from Fantasy Island: "Smiles everyone. Smiles.")
Feeling better after my shower (in which I sobbed and blew boogers down the drain).
I don't think there is anywhere else to find me...the other boards I contribute to don't show email or anything....I will think of something though....
Lucky, YES ask your girlfriend to help you out, dear! PLEASE! I feel sad knowing you don't have much support around you. That was the one thing I had lots of when my kiddos were little, so I know it can make a huge difference...I didn't have a hubby who could support us so I still had to work part time, which TOTALLY SUCKED and I very much wished to be a SAHM, but ... what I had in the support department made all the difference in the world....I hope somehow you can build yourself a little support team.
I don't think there is anywhere else to find me...the other boards I contribute to don't show email or anything....I will think of something though....
Lucky, YES ask your girlfriend to help you out, dear! PLEASE! I feel sad knowing you don't have much support around you. That was the one thing I had lots of when my kiddos were little, so I know it can make a huge difference...I didn't have a hubby who could support us so I still had to work part time, which TOTALLY SUCKED and I very much wished to be a SAHM, but ... what I had in the support department made all the difference in the world....I hope somehow you can build yourself a little support team.
DQ
Read my signature... what you wrote is beautiful. Please post after you have read it.
