Not very good. I guess the problem is me. I cannot get over this and let it go. When I got home, wife was distant. Went outside to play bball with kids and son got upset that D wasn't passing him the ball. I told him to quit crying and just play and he went inside and told W that I was being mean. She came out and got mad at me. That started it off. We didn't really fight but there was tension and it felt weird. Oh well, I guess this is going to be my life until I can figure out how to detach and not dwell on everything.
Yeah really. Let me know if you figure out how to do that. I don't think the problem is you. The true irony here for me is that you're the one fighting to save this family and he gets mad at you.....but they're kids and we just love them and nothing else. You did the right thing. Stayed calm. Start over today.
One good thing about today is I am starting IC. Hopefully this will start to help me, I also think I need to get on some type of AD, maybe he can help with that as well.
She called me a few minutes ago and was very nice and cordial. Talked about logistical stuff and then she said that she was trying really hard to be nice to me and she feels like she is doing that. I told her she is being nice, but that I now know how she felt when I was detached and not meeting her needs. I told her that I have resentment and anger about that and I understand how she did too back then, but that I am and will continue to try to get over that. Told her that I start IC today and hopefully that will help.
She then said that maybe she should get a babysitter for tomorrow night instead of me watching the kids because she might be home late (going out with girlfriend neighbor). I said maybe that would be best so she can do what she wants and not worry about me and she said "oh I can do what I want". Geesh, I am at my wits end with this. I then said something about her saying that and she said that she didn't mean to sound harsh or mean about it.
Yeah, I love my therapist. She's probably the reason some people are still walking around!! No matter how dark it gets, hang on. Don't believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. She's not worried about you staying in a house you once lived in. She wanted to let you know "I'm going to be out late..." and wanted to gauge your reaction. You didn't take the bait, hence the "I can do what I want!" comment. My three year old has mastered that phrase too. Not that I want to beat up on your spouse here but seriously....I think you handled that like a DBing Champ!
Well the great thing here is she's not done. She's going to MC with you. You handled the first session very well. If she says it's over, believe her. It might not be, but it will end. He's still a 22 year old kid who is in way way over his head. Sooner than later, he'll become annoying to her. He just will. And with this latest talk, she said she needs space. Give it to her. But stay in peripheral vision and look great, smile and just relax. Act as if she's already told you, "I'm coming back to you, I just need to do it in my own time." You are rocking this out.
Just got back from first IC session. The guy was great! I sat there and told him the whole story back from when we first got together until now, deal with her enmeshed family, deal with OM, my detachment and anger that led her to OM, ect. After everything, he used a white board and drew two stick people with an arrow from me to W. Then drew a wall and said that I need to move that arrow in the opposite direction. Totally drop the rope and move on with my life, continue to improve my life and show her what she is going to be missing. Its like he was on this site. I told him that I joined this group and that is exactly the principles I am learning here and he said that is great that I have a support group to help me through this. Also said that he had never been here or read the book.
He also recommended that I get on some AD so I just got that called in and will start in the morning. Anyone know anything about Paxil?
Also, W just sent me a text saying that she hopes my day is going well.
Well, I didn't send this, but my day is going very well!!!!
Glad you liked the IC. AD's will probably help you with the depresion, but they do tend to decrease the sex drive. Some not as much as others. Maybe that is good if one isn't getting sex as often as he would like.
I would like to say something about the son tattling to your wife on you. I would advise that you and the wife come to terms about a untited front where the kids are conderned and do not let them play you off against one another. I would have gotten my backside tanned if I had tattled on either of my parents......and it would have been a spanking coming from both of them. However, I knew never to do such a thing. I did see our GS do the same thing when he was very small until he was grown. So, unless you want more misery added to what you have, you best stop that sort of thing in your household right now. I would "take the bull by the horns" and let it be known that you are not another child that you wife mothers and disciplines when one of the other kids decides to tattle on you. You are the "man" of the house! Don't allow your son to get by with pulling that stunt again.....ever, and you need to inform your wife that she will never put you into the same category of the children. Perhaps she didn't. Perhaps she was just ticked at you, but this is certain a "boundary" I would draw if I was in your shoes. The man of the home should be treated with respect by the wife and the children. Of course, I also believe that he has to earn that respect. Anyway, that is not a propular POV these days, but I don't care, it is what is right.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ha - No prob on the sex drive if that happens, nothing happening on that front since 11/22 and I doubt anything could interfere with my sex drive anyway
I appreciate the advice on the tattling also. I will have a talk with her about this sometime. Probably not today after what happened last night.
We had a decent day, no fighting, no R talk. Cordial and nice to each other, nothing overly special. Plans were to watch the kids while she went out with neighbor. I took the kids to benihana's and we had a blast! She left at 7:00 and before we left I told her to be careful but have fun and she said that she would text me from time to time and I told her not to worry about it.
Anyway, she texted me at 8:00 saying F wasn't there yet (30 min late and always late person) then texted me at 10:00 saying they were still eating (which is understandable since it was a fancy restaurant and can take a while to eat there). She then texted me at 11:57 saying they were still there in the bar talking. Still no big deal. I wait up catching up on all of my dvr shows for the week and watch pursuit of happiness (good movie). By 3:40 (really 2:40), I am pissed so I send her text saying are you coming home? She immediately replies yes on my way. At 4:30 I ask R U OK? She then replies that she is sorry and on her way. She has been over at different friends house and that her H just left her. This is the F that I don't approve of and has already been D once and I think is a bad influence. She finally gets home at about 4:45 and as the garage opens, I walked past her car and out. She opens window and says is sorry and I can call F to see if she is telling the truth. I told her I didn't care as long as she is safe and I left.
On way to my place, she texted me that she understands why I am mad and knew I would be but didn't know what to do. Said she hadn't been drinking except during dinner and not much then and also wasn't doing anything else bad. Just being there for her friend. I texted neighbors H and asked him what time she got home and he said 4:00 and she is actually the good influence on my W I think. So I think she is telling the truth, but I still don't think it is right for my W to be out at those hours of the night. Especially from a worry perspective.
She texted me again just a minute ago asking if I was still mad? I never responded last night or yet this morning. I guess I am mad that she never said "Hey, F is really down, H left her and all of us are talking this out and comforting her and I am at her house, safe and will be home real late" Am I wrong about this? I am not going to get into it with her and will just let it go. Not going to call her at all today.
This whole dang thing just plain sucks! I wish all of our WAS's would just wake the hell up!
I don't know if this is good or not, but after last night I have fully detached and not called her or text her once today. She has text me probably 10 times. She sent me one around 3:30 asking what my plans were for the day and I told her going to dad's and to workout and do laundry. She then asked if I wanted to do something with them and I never replied back. She then asked around 7 where I was and I said dad's house. She asked why I never replied what my plans were and I said that I did. She said she wanted me to do something with them today. Then asked how my day was and I said that I had a great day. Went with a friend to the razorback baseball game and I had a blast. She then went into small talk and finally said she wants us all to have dinner tomorrow night.
Sorry if all of that was confusing, but I am not sure if this is a good thing or not. I am taking it as a small positive. What do you guys/gals think?
