Thank God you guys came to my rescue. Thanks for being patient with me. I feel like I can't get out of the trap that I made for myself.
I have mentioned the "overly considerate" thing to H in the past, but I've never blown up about it. For some reason, it is bothering me so much today and yesterday. Yesterday, I couldn't believe he went to work still sick. I felt so annoyed with him, and I realized it was rooted in the same thought. "The Nice Guy sacrifices himself." I can honestly say that I KNOW my H would die for me because he practically kills himself all the time for people of much less importance to his life.
I do feel depressed right now. It comes and goes for me. Some days I feel better. If it ever doesn't go, I will ask for help. I've often thought, "Oh boy. I could take a pill that makes me happy, makes me lose weight, and kills my libido. PERFECT SOLUTION!" (haha). Just have to get through today.
I applied for a job as a teacher's assistant. It would get my son in an excellent private school (that we otherwise could not afford) and it would give me the opportunity to see if teaching is an avenue that I want to take. The job starts in June, so we'll see if I get it. If not, I really need to get a part-time job doing ANYTHING just to have a reason to get out and see other adults.
I really don't want to go back to my "big" job. It is even crazier than what H is doing right now because it's long hours, client madness, and weekday and weekend travel. I'd miss out on so much of the baby's life. And, both of us can't have insane jobs. It is time I found something that works for us AND gets me out of the house.
Ali: So, basically you take your statement and turn it around so that you're looking at why it's a problem for yourself? It isn't easy, especially when you're blind with emotion. It's hard to think through it and know if you're doing it right.
Thinking about the statement you turned around makes me cry. Am I not standing up? I just don't know anymore. It's hard to see clearly right now.
H senses that I'm annoyed and cranky, but I'm sure he has no idea why because I'm monitoring what falls out of my mouth. And, DQ is right. I can't tell him right now because I'm too messed up to handle it well. I have to wait for the fog to clear and then try to explain my feelings. And, then, I'm not sure I should really say much about not getting a break or feeling lonely because he could easily look at me like "WTF. You get to stay home and I'm running around selling my soul and you're NOT HAPPY??" That thought comes from my martyr place: I truly feel like I SHOULD be happy with all that I have. I feel like a spoiled brat. And I'm not positive that running out to work and juggling daycare and making dinner and doing dishes and packing food and sippy cups *without any hubby during the week* is going to make me so happy, either.
