Moved out to apartment, WAW moved back to house

[MrNiceGuy]

Two weeks ago (2/27), wife checks into hotel to 'take a break' from being a wife, feeling too much pressure to be the activities director of the family and show enthusiasm for every aspect of our family. After being beaten down by some work politics a few years ago I lost my enthusiasm for life and struggled to regain my footing.

The first week was horrific, losing 7 pounds, and crying every day. I realized I was going through withdrawals from a dependent relationship.

A friend of hers mistakenly stated "her Edward" in a conversation we were having. I didn't catch it at first, until time got the better of me and I realized Edward is a reference to the Twilight character that is super-attractive and super-alluring. I then started to connect the dots. My wife had been telling me about this guy at work that was nervous about getting married to his fiance soon and that she thought he was out of his fiance's league, practically an 'Edward'. Furthermore, she encouraged him to not settle and he was actually considering breaking off the engagement. She has done this type of 'encouraging' to a few of her friends with limited success. I may be reading more into this than is reality, but the timing is unusually close - perhaps simply taking her own advice finally to leave me.

Since she left, we've had contact every couple of days to share time with our son. I could tell in her eyes she didn't believe a word I was telling her about acquiring Zoloft and doing more to get out of the house and re-learn to have fun in life. She finally told me that she planned to get an apartment (which made me think of the 'Edward' situation again - albeit only guessing).

I painted a smile on my face rather than beg and plead and started to go to find some things I can enjoy. A few days ago we had a very upbeat talk that suggested there was a chance for us if we both immerse ourselves in ourselves - learning how to have fun again, learning how to communicate better (we very rarely fought), acquire new friends, become more active, and possibly find a fun hobby. The thought was that it would take a couple of months, at least, to do a 180. We also share the opinion (based on mutual friends' experiences) that counseling can be more harm than helpful.
All the same, I suggested I get the apartment instead and she took me up on it. After a very depressing search for junk apartments I could afford, I landed a great roommate situation in a nice place. I'm self employed (as of 2 years ago), so my income doesn't compare to my wife's and it will be difficult -- especially with house payments and such. I expect our savings to deplete by the end of the year.

For me, I'm trying very hard to GAL, but it's very hard to adjust. Every morning I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from a long nightmare. My son is finally starting to understand what is going on and finally cried in my lap about me moving out and missing both his dad and mom. Man, that really hurts, which makes me both angry at my wife for not communicating better to me and angry at myself for not driving my own happiness the past few years and creating an unenjoyable marriage for her. I've focused on being a great dad and making sure that my son and I laugh every time we are with each other - telling him that I love him and that his is something mom and dad have to work out and is not is fault.

It's time for my 180!

As to my Edward theory, I haven't mentioned it to anyone, including my wife, and feel that it would be better for her to 'play it out' to see if there is something there or if it's just lust (affair). My heart hurts everyday as I love her and miss her very much, but my head and what I've read in this forum tells me I need to focus on reinventing myself to be an attractive and fun man once again.

I can do this. I am better than this. I can do this.

[MrNiceGuy]

So I did move out today, a day early. When W showed up to pick up our son, I was clearly irritated and actually yelled at her. She was amused by me yelling for once... Frankly it felt good. The reason I was angry was because two days earlier she practically shot daggers out of her eyes at me and asked me if anything 'interesting' came in the mail today. My first thought, being served already. Nothing seems to have arrived.

[healthydad]

BrianR -
Sorry that you're here - but you're in the right place. It seems you've already been thinking about things in a healthy way - and are getting a good sense about what you have to do for you - that's definitely the first step toward getting healthy. Have you read the books?

Right now, I would encourage you to keep posting - get to know people - build up a few contacts here. It seems like a lot of us come into this site in waves, and in those waves we form bonds that last through a lot of this process of rebuilding - for some, it becomes a project of rebuilding themselves - for others, there is that chance at rebuilding the self and the marriage in turn.

I say this to all newcomers - find Coach's threads - and read them - he's a good man - with a powerful sense of what it means to improve oneself as a man. My coach didn't work out like Coach's in that he and his wife were able to work things out - while in my situation, getting some perspective meant that I had to admit that my wife and I were in an emotionally abusive relationship. I've taken steps to solve/resolve/change that in my self - she will not - and so I've opted not to look for reconciliation anymore...but that's just my story - every story and situation here is different...but the only thing that's the same is the need to find oneself - and strengthen that new-found self with a healthier foundation.

Hang in there, you'll be fine.

-Carlos.

[MrNiceGuy]

I finally came to the realization that (a) pillars of strength for my self-esteem even existed, and (b) that I had let most of them fall away without rebuilding - placing all the remaining pressure for my self-esteem on my wife until she collapsed too.

Her reading tells her she's been in an emotionally abusive relationship for the last few years (not physical, not drugs, not affair, not verbal). I've been emotionally withdrawn for a few years due to a self-image that trended down over time without me even realizing it. I've also noticed she's put away photos of me in the house, no longer wearing her ring, plus is enjoying weekend trips with a 'friend'.

Understanding her point of view (of the emotionally draining - if perhaps 'abusive' relationship), then she should theoretically never want to have anything to do with me ever again.

My question to the community is this: Has anybody here been in such an emotionally damaging relationship and seen it repaired over time, or should I stop with any hope I may have?

[healthydad]

Brian,
It's hard to answer the type of question you're asking - because the answer could lead you in the wrong direction, I'm afraid - even if someone had experienced exactly what you describe. A while back, Coach said something to me that change my thinking about my situation - he referred to my thoughts and concerns about how my wife would have to change as wasted energy...why? Because I could put all that time and energy to better use by focusing on what I could take care of in myself instead - then, if it should come about that wife would want to be with me again, she would want to be with a healthier version of myself...who doesn't go about wasting so much energy on thoughts of how anyone else (i.e. my wife) might change.

Now, I've been here for a while - and my situation is almost ten months old now - and I've ended up going in a very different direction that what I expected when this all started. But that's sometimes what happens when we start asking ourselves the tough questions about ourselves - and we start to deal with the ways in which we had not achieved our goals of being great men, great husbands, etc.

Which books have you been reading? Are you reading any of the Patricia Evans books or Love without Hurt?

-Carlos.

[MrNiceGuy]

I'm just reading The Divorce Remedy plus reviewing the Coach blogs as recommended. I'm also evaluating my pillars of strength (exercise, activity, social groups, hobbies, business, etc) to begin rebuilding the foundation of my self-confidence.

How do the Patricia Evans books or Love without Hurt differ from The Divorce Remedy? Are they more self-help?

[healthydad]

Those books go more into the dynamics of an emotionally abusive relationship - and they can be very illuminating for both partners involved. I read them after my wife accused me of being abusive - in fact, I read through just about any book on abuse that I could find - and started going to a T to work on the things she accused me of (in my case, it was anger issues)...oddly enough...what eventually became clearer to me - and this was very difficult to accept, much less admit, was that my wife was very emotionally abusive - which became magnified after she dropped the bomb...

I just want to add, though, that my situation seems kind of rare here on the board - and so I'm not sharing it in order to suggest you change your perspective about your wife - in my situation it simply became very clear that as I worked more on myself and shed the anger she accused me of having - her anger and aggression intensified...and while I read those books initially to understand how I might have hurt her - they also helped me to understand how her behavior affected me as well.

Divorce Remedy is good for finding ways to work on yourself and your marriage - the Evans books and Love Without Hurt - are food for finding ways to improve the dynamics of your relationship.

In the end...a lot of this process is about being a stronger you - healthier and more secure in who you are.

I'm glad you're reading Coach's posts - he is a true pillar of strength and someone I respect very much.

Be sure to post to other people's threads - get advice from women when you can - but just try to spend less time thinking about what you wish could change in your W - that's out of your hands - what you can work on is you - and that is it...if your growth happens to attract her attention - that would be a plus - but either way, you have got to work on yourself first and foremost...and I know that can be hard.

BTW - after you finish reading DR I would suggest going back and reading it again...I read it four times and each time I read it I gained a different understanding of what was in there...sometimes we're just not ready for the lessons we get - but when we are, those lessons get really easy to internalize and put into practice.

If you were to read my first posts, you would find a shell of a man - someone that was just constantly beaten down by the fear of losing his wife...once I got over that (which happened in the last few months) I found myself in a way I never knew I could.

BTW - also check out this web site - http://www.divorceasfriends.com/letgo.html

This is going to be tough...I know...but just know - and believe - that no matter what happens, you will be fine in the end.

-Carlos.

[MrNiceGuy]

Had my first coaching session today. It went really well, gave me focus on the first stage, and gave me some insight about how predictable some of the behavior I've observed really is.

I've got Love without Hurt ordered, and continuing to walk through Divorce Remedy.

Thanks to each of you for your comments. Knowing that my situation is 'normal' seems to help.

[healthydad]

It's strange, isn't it, how there's kind of a script to it all...so many of the WAS's use the same words...almost as though they were pulled from some kind of style guide.

Those are great books to read...it sounds like you're doing well - and doing a lot of the right kind of work for you - I'm glad you had a good coaching session.

-c.

[MrNiceGuy]

Crap! I stopped by the house to pick up some things for my son and found W and OM there for an extended lunch. AGH!

I just drove away without stopping, though, but wow!