So I am in not such great a mood today at all, feeling really depressed and hopeless today. A question I've been meaning to ask, especially for those separated, DO YOU TELL FRIENDS AND ACQUINTANCES THAT YOUR SEPARATED?
I think I've been telling too many people that H and I are separated and then they want to get into my business and to keep calling to check up on me and of course the big questions "What are going to do?" What the hell am I to do in this situation. I must say I think I am also guilty of talking about my sitch too much. I mean not all my friends and very few of my co-workers know that H and I are separated but I haven't hid it either. I tell people and then sometimes I find that I've been telling friends why and then I leave the conversation regretting that I ever said anything/wondering if I said too much. What is the best course of action/ say nothing or be honest and let people know? What about friends you havn't talked to in a while? Then I find that I've avoiding people's phone calls b/c I know they are calling to find out the status.
Anyway, last night one of H's friends called me. He said that he was calling to get my sister's # but we talked for over an hour and now I wonder if he was calling to really talk to me about the sitch. H does talk to him so I was curious to hear what he has to say and figure he would have the inside into H's mind. He had a lot to say. At first he said that he hope H and I could work things out. He asked why we don't have kids and that is it something wrong with me and since H has a child it must be me. It was interesting to hear that H did introduce his babymama to him - I guess he introduces her all around. H's friend talked about how he doesn't like the girl. He said that H is confused. And then, the main bomb of the conversation was when he told me that H is "in love" with OW. He said that he thinks it started as a fling but then having the child must have them feel like a family. I asked how did he come up with that and he said that the way H sounds and lights up when he talks about OW and his son. Funny thing is that when he said it I really didn't feel anyway to me b/c I think from H's actions that he does love her too. Then this morning it made me so sad. I'm am doing all in my power to be so strong about this. I mean if H loves OW and she loves him and they already have a child together I guess they should go on with their happy merry life, right. I really have no business in this. I guess never mind the 15 years I've put into this R and the hopes and dreams I had of having a family with H. This really sucks I gotta say. God, I never thought thigns would have turned out this way. I remember when I first met H we were young I was so worried about getting pregnant and not finishing my education and now I have to deal with not getting pregnant, H having a child outside, and it all just ending the marriage. Then I was talking to my sister this morning who also asked what I am going to do. And I told her I don't know, I'm trying to focus on me and there is really nothing I can do. I told her what H's friend said that H loves OW and my sister said yes that's true it's obvious. Anyway, the point is that I feel like everytime people bring this up to me I feel more crappy.
I called H stupidly to discuss all that has transpired yesterday and today. Yes, I kinda know I probably shouldn't have. I tried really hard to use self control not to but I did. I told him first that regarding our investment property that if he wants to sign it over that fine but I'm not signing anything other than divorce papers and if he wants he should just get the papers and I will sign those but nothing else. The I also told him that 3 of his friend on different occasions have told me how he loves OW and he said that I can go ahead and listen to his friends and he tells his friends what they want to hear. And I said that I'm listening to him and his actions. He also talked about how when OW meets certain of his friends she tells him who he can and can't trust and that she's right. I told him to spear me the details of how good him and OW look out for each other. Anyway, we had a long conversation that I'm sure was a repeat of convos we've had before. No one knows that he's really not happy and that he needs to get away. And then he brought up how he felt unappreciated and you know what I told him that I understand that. Last night H's friend was talking about how all that H has is becasue of me and that he told H that the success he has is only because of his wife. Yes, that is true that I am the more ambitious and educated one, but I always thought that H did his part. I made things happen but H was the needed support. Anyway, H said that it didn't matter to him what his friends thought but it bothered him when I started to say the same thing. I won't lie in our sitch I did tell H after all I have done for him etc. and all that I do in the R. Natuarally when one does a lot and tehn feel unappreciated you bring up what you did. Anyway, I told H I understand how it must have been frustrating hearing that all the time from everyone.
So, I'm here feeling hopeless. I don't think H will ever leave OW. He even talked about he faults and said that she's a nice person and everyone have their faults. And no one should be judging her. Sounds like love to me.
