...and he's written back!!! Something sounds different, he's really trying (its 10 to 5 on a Friday afterall, I am sure he's got better things to do!).. and he ended it this time saying "You OK?". I didnt know how to answer!!
oh god...why cant he just meet me, give me a hug and put all this behind us...
and this just as Venus went backwards today! Its supposed to bring past lovers back, if thats whats the theme of your life right now.. and also, Venus is about money.. and today, I got a nice email from the disability managers, apologising over losing that work and saying they will match me up with a new student soon as, then I had a viewing on the flat and they are there now for a 2nd viewing and they are going to put an offer in tonight !!!! I will find out tommorow how much it is.. yippee!
No, didnt call, I said in my email I was going to, then he answered my questions in his reply, so he didnt 'bite' or want me to call I guess. Perhaps he is with her this evening. Eugh! I never imagine them together, having never seen her, or heard a good word about her makes that alot easier !
Its so lovely to hear from him, everytime, just lovely to get those brief snippets of his life. This man I knew for so long I can hardly remember who I was back then, feels like 15 lifetimes ago.
And of course, bittersweet, always leaves me wanting more. If I get an offer on the flat and accept it, there will be papers for him to sign next week (the flat is in his name). Paying for the boiler on our house shows he continues to feel financially responsible for me. And theres no need is there, we arent M and have no dependants. Oh I wish he would break up with her, he would phone me if they split up I'm sure.
My BFF made a good observation earlier.. she said you are in weekly contact (not quite daily) and thats what you have, regular, email contact and its true.. looking back, we have been in weekly contact for the past 2 months, and he usually contacts me every 2-3 days in fact. Thats such a change to the Aug-Dec timeframe (he didnt email me at all in December, just phoned once) and also.. he has emailed me at 4-5pm on a Friday a few times, once he's back in the office after being out on site in the week. He wasnt bothering to do that Aug-Dec either.
Still alone though!!! Think I will be for some weeks yet. May might lift the loneliness...
Christ, just found an old email from him on my PC, from May 2005, about a fortnight before his Dad went into the coma (and later died)..he'd been away at a wedding in Japan before he sent this... "I did miss you terribly. Its funny, when I'm apart from you I really feel like part of me is missing."
..yeah tell me about it. Christ. What the hell happened to that feeling???
I was teasing him about a girl at the wedding and he also said...
"I don't want anyone else, never have since we've been together (and before that)."
I think he is referring to the fact he was secretly in love with me for 2 years before we got together. But didnt have the courage to tell me (figures!). And thats why its ok I wait now.. because he once did that for me..
oh hi GFI! Its just not time yet.. he's not 'pinged' yet? Still cooking! I did mention in my email I was going to call him, but he didnt 'bite', or mention "speak to you later" or soon or anything in his reply to me. So seems he didnt want me to. Its my birthday next week, see what that throws up hey! Heres hoping...
Ha yes I know! I was only kidding. She's just a cat!! Of course I could leave her. Funnily enough, it was one of the problems in my R.. I used to joke to my ex that I loved the cat more than him.. (my old tomcat that died the week before he dumped me). I wouldnt say something like that now, even in jest. He's a Leo, he needed a bit more adoration and reassurance than that! I found some more old emails, but I'm not going to torture myself anymore tonight. I wonder if he will send me a birthday card? Hmm..
I'm feeling pretty pleased he emailed me today, twice. I've got so many emails in my *ex* folder since he moved out...a couple in the Nov/Dec 07 then none till contact resumed last Feb, so about 350 in the past year between us. So thats paractically one every 2 days since he left me on average!!! Thats not normal.
I want to move house, to be nearer the sea, I want to learn to surf, to rockclimb, to play the drums, go to Greece, eat stuffed chillis, see a Volcano, get another cat, get married and be happy. When will all my dreams come true?
Your dreams will come true when you learn in your heart that your dreams are not dependent on what man you are with or if he wants you or not. You dreams will come true when you make plans to make them come true.
You will be happy when you learn that you can make the decision to be happy.
When you learn that you will get happy and you'll move house, maybe to nearer the sea, you will learn to surf, rockclimb, play the drums, go to Greece, eat stuffed chillis, see a Volcano and get another cat.
While happy Ali is doing those things she won't have time to moan about Helen, BFMs problems or BMFs conversations with his friends - and you might just make enough room in your life and your spirit to fall in love and get married.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Its ok.. I was just being poetic and having a whinge. I am already living by the sea..and very lucky I feel too.. in fact, the sea is 5 minutes from my house !!! I just meant.. nearer, as in, right by it!! (could be pricey). I am also in the very lucky position to be at a very prestigious art college..which was a 20 year dream I made happen all on my own, after studying drawing for 2 1/2 years and then a foundation for 2 years and having to give up a career in web development (another dream of mine that took 11 years to materialise!) to get here. So I am already following lifelong dreams which was all my doing, not a man!
I am starting seakayaking lessons soon and I will do surf lessons (funds allowing!) and I have bought a drum kit, I just need to move it down here eventually and then find a teacher (again, funds allowing, but I will do it once I am working full time again). Oh and I am already in love still, annoyingly, with my ex. Until he comes back, or it stops and I fall for someone else, I definetly wont be getting M! Thats one thing I cant control.
Sorry.. this thread is very much like a personal diary to me these days.. and anyone who has read back on their old diaries wil notice that alot of what is said 'in the moment' is often nonsense! I'm nothing if not honest...
