LBS need help and support #2

[faithisbelieving]

Horrible letter song...IMO. I feel badly that you ripped into your son when his feelings are based on the situation probably more than you. I am not demonizing you. I know how difficult it can be when our children reject us for the moment or are in 'mommy mode'.

I think your email either not be sent or rewritten or..better still....use verbal communication with your wife. What I read is:
-admission of failure
-lack of control
-apologizing
-insecurity as to handle the situation.

Think.

Dear XXX,

I feel pain over the recent changes that are exhibited by our son that seem to be collateral damage from the recent change in our marriage. As his father, it is my responsibility that he feels loved by both parents and that he understands that he is not the reason for what we are going thru. XXX is a good boy and I love him very much.

If I don't see much improvement or I have difficulty helping him thru this difficult time, I will seek counseling for us a family. I need to maintain as much time with him as possible now so that he knows his father is there for him through thick and thin. I know that you will work with me as we both want whats best for our children.

Song...only YOU can decide if something like this is right. Stop apologizing. Stop seeing yourself as the blame. Your WIFE decided to destroy the family, NOT YOU!!!!! THIS IS HER CHOICE, NOT YOURS. STOP VICTIMIZING YOURSELF!!!

Your anger was obviously displaced onto your son. I recommend that you strongly consider counseling for him NOW before he gets worse.

Find a place outside the home where you can have a 'daddy/son' walk or night out...or his favorite food. You need to reconnect somehow.

I'm not sure how to help you here. When my son get's frustrated with homework, and, he sandbags on it..says he can't do it when he can...I simply say to him that he is 'losing playtime' and daddy 'will come back when he is ready to finish his homework'. He gets to decide if it gets done. I remove myself from his frustration and always..he says , "dad, I'm ready now". He's 8.

YOU cannot work this out for him. YOU must have patience...be there...be strong....hold him..hug him. HE is the one you should apologize to...NOT your wife. Explain in basic terms...or..just talk yourself. Tell him that you know that this is upsetting to him....that you are upset also...that you love your W but right now you have to work to do together...that he is not at fault...that you love him..will always be his dad and will always take care of him.

Song..he is LOOKING AT YOU TO SEE HOW YOU HANDLE THIS. HE WILL LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH WOMEN AND HOW TO BE TREATED BY WATCHING YOU. YOU ARE HIS ROLE MODEL. SHOW HIM THAT YOU ARE, as my DB coach said to me, "THE SAME STRONG AND STEADY FATHER THAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN."

Stay strong. You must not waver or falter. YOU...are the rock for your kids.

Strength and honor.

FIB