Hi everyone, Thanks for dropping by while I was away... Well...it's been a busy few days...and I finally have Internet access at home again.
Just a bit of journaling for myself....
I moved out of the house on Saturday - with the help of my mother, my S11 and two good friends. It was a long, exhausting day - but it was worth it...and now I'm in my apartment and more or less beginning to get settled into it. The view from the apartment is lovely - this morning I just sat and watched the sun rise silently over the mountains and smiled.
Since my mother is in town, I wanted to have S2 with me on Saturday - even though I was moving - and since I knew it give my mother a chance to spend some time with both of my boys. B was supposed to bring S2 by that morning at 9am - but called around 9:45 to tell me that she just woke up...I said it was fine, no problem. just bring him by when you can - to which she said, "Aren't you worried?" I said, no, he's with you, why should I be worried? And left it that. So eventually she brought him by and he had a chance to spend the day with my mom and S2. At then end of the night, after she picked him up, she texted me to ask if he napped while with me, and telling me that he kept talking about my mom. I told her he hadn't napped - and left it at that. On Sunday she texted me to tell me that she was going to update our addresses with S2's daycare -and then called to tell me the same thing - and to ask me how much his daycare cost last month (it's the same every month, no matter what). So that's what I told her...
And then she got back into her more usual mode on Sunday night - when I realized that I had misplaced my checkbook and couldn't give her the check for his daycare as I had planned. I explained that to her - and she started seething with anger - so I finally just told her that part of the reason things are difficult for her is because she had decided to break up our family - she responded to that by claiming I had strangled her and that I had thrown our wedding album at her and our baby- both fictions. So on Monday, I finally just sent her a blunt note saying that I was no longer going validate her lies about me - and that I knew myself and my motivations - and that I had not strangled her, but that I had made the poor decision of trying to "shake her out" of wherever she was - since she had started kicking me and punching me just for touching her cell phone. I also reminded her that when I three the wedding album on the kitchen floor it was far away from her and S2 - and I did so after she threatened divorce again as we were getting ready to go to my S11's soccer tournament. I tossed the wedding album on the floor and said "look at what you're throwing away." - Melodramatic idiocy on my part - but now I recognize how our dysfunctional dynamic made that happen...so....when I tried to talk with her again - she threatened to call the police...
So...now that I'm out of the house - and am away from the constant reminder of the memories and hopes that brought us into that house - it's easier for me to put some distance between her issues and me. Her most recent threat to call the police just left me with disgust - no worry on my part - just a realization that this is how she wants to control and manipulate things - and this is how she'll try to be abusive since I really don't give her any way to talk with me or communicate with me at all.
While I still have moments of missing the nice times we shared - I am also very easily reminded of how unhappy I was with her - and how much I felt like she needed to find anger in me in order to justify her own behavior and ways of being - my mistake was playing into that anger and adding to that dynamic.
There's more...there's always more...but for some reason I just feel kind of bored writing about it...maybe later...I don't know...but for now I just want to get things more settled in the apartment - purge some books - and make more time for writing...
