I need some advice and hope someone reading this can offer it. Sandi, if you see this, please share you thoughts, I value your advice greatly.
So here's the deal. Last nigh was one of my three nights during the week that I spend at the house with the boys. As usual S13 was fine, upbeat, chatty, fun. And as usual, S11 was sullen, withdrawn, "I wish mom was here" and very angry and disrespectful to me.
I kept the PMA, kept the conversation light, we had dinner, and then S13 got ready for Tae Kwon Do, while S11 retreated to his room to play a game on his computer. I went up to talk with him, ask him questions, basically get him to open up, but still, Mr. Cranky. I took S13 to TKD, came home for some one-on-one time with S11 - still, very mean and angry, one word answers, can't be bothered.
Picked up S13 at TKD and decided to pick up some McD's Hot Fudge Sundaes, as they had helped crack the ice in a previous situation like this. I told him when I got home that I brought desert, and he asked if he could eat in the living room. No, come eat in the kitchen with us. He asked again, I again said no, come eat in the kitchen with us. He asks a third time, and my response is still the same, but I'm continuing to be positive and upbeat. S13 and I start joking around, and S11 just sits there and stirs the sundae with the spoon, takes a few bites, gets up and says "I'm done" and walks into the living room.
Well, that was the straw. Maybe it was the way he said "I'm Done" that sounded so much like his mother, but for whatever reason, I lost it. I went into the living room and laid into him about his bad attitude, his disrespect for me, and his unwillingness to even speak with me beyond his one word answers.
Then I said the worst thing I could have, I wish I could take back the words, but they spilled out before I could stop them.
"It's very obvious that you would rather have your Mother here than me, so how about I just stop coming over here at all"
He didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to say, so as usual, he runs up to his room and calls his mom and cries on the phone to her for 45 minutes.
I spoke with her briefly and said we need to figure this out, and she said she would talk with me tomorrow (today).
I don't know what I feel, what I should say, I'm so confused and upset I can't see straight. Both boys were up several times in the night, not being able to fall asleep. I got about 3 hours of restless sleep, and they didn't get much more.
I get so tongue tied when I speak to W now, I put together an email to send to her about last night, and I sure would appreciate feedback.
Here's the email: _________________________________ W,
Last night was a very difficult night for all of us, and I apologize for being the catalyst that set the whole event in motion. I think everyone is confused, tense, unsure how to act in each other's presence, and each is trying our own best way of dealing with the situation.
It's very clear that S11 is lashing out whenever I'm at the house and you aren't, and he's closed his heart to any connection or discussion with me. I can understand that is his way of protecting his feelings, and I also know that I don't help the situation when I get frustrated by his disrespect and negative attitude. I feel that I'm doing the best job as a father that I can with the limited window of time that I can spend with them, and would like to do more, but I also realize that in this phase of life, it's natural for kids to pull away from their parents.
That is what makes it so confusing. S11 seems to have no problem pulling away from me, yet he does so with such anger. As you know, whenever he gets mad at me, he retreats into his room, won't talk with me, and often will call you. This hurts. I'm not sure what the solution is, but it seems that what we are doing now isn't working well.
Do you think it would be easier if I only spent Saturday night with them, and then I could help out during the week with Tae Kwon Do and Basketball (soon to be Baseball), but you would be spending the nights with them during school nights?
I have been considering what to do to make sure this whole process is as easy on them as possible. In speaking with my counselor, she offered what I think is a great suggestion. Would a family night be something you would consider? We could start slowly with maybe just one night for maybe just a couple of hours, maybe dinner? We'll agree to keep the topics light and easy going. Let me know what you think. It was explained to me and it makes sense that if the kids see us getting along, it could relieve a lot of stress for them.
Thanks for considering this, ___________________________________________
1) Is this a good idea? 2) Should I just drop the whole thing and if she calls, act as-if there's no real problem, just a difficult night? 3) Is there another approach that I'm missing?
Please help me out friends, I don't know how to handle this situation.
