Newly Seperated - What To Do?

[Uncool Cat]

Spellfire, here are the answers as best as I can give:

1. She is leaving me. I'm not exactly sure why I left. Probably more than one reason. I think I hoped she would stop me. I think I wanted to appease her and do something different. I hadn't read any DB stuff and thought this would invoke some sort of change in her. It didn't. At one point I even asked her to stop me. That didn't help either. I've thought about going back, but I think this would only escalate the tension. I will ask my DB coach about it on Monday, that's our next appt.

2. She says that I am selfish. She says that I put everything else in front of her - job (I own an insurance agency), music (I play guitar and write songs)etc., etc. I made the mistake of telling her I could change a few weeks ago. This escalated into an argument where she attacked my personality brutally. She says it's too little too late. She doesn't believe it can happen.

I guess I can understand why she doesn't believe. She threatened to leave two years ago. I worked really hard around the house for a few months, and we went to counseling. [I see now that this wasn't the right kind of counseling. More about that later.] I got her to hang on and stay. The problem is I ran out of energy after a while. I did make some changes that stuck, but I think she's pretty blind to those. In the end she was just "tolerating" me for those two years. Therefore, in her eyes, she has some "proof" that I can't change.

She also had a big problem with another agency/business I am trying to purchase. She was worried that I was using our home as collateral. In the end I told her that I would not use the house, that she would not have to sign anything etc. I did this after begining the DB program. It's the only thing so far that I'm fairly certain I handled correctly.

3. The third question is difficult. I don't think she is seeing anyone else. She has gotten back in touch with several friends lately through Facebook. Not really any males though. Most of those are happily married females (as far as I know). I did get kind-of sick of the Facebook and her when I was living there. But, I never said anything about it. Besides, I'm on it as well.

I've tried to think of who might be telling her this is all OK, or giving her some motivation, and I really don't know. I mean I know who her friends are and who she talks to. I'm sure she's getting the standard support, but I can't think of anyone who would say, "He's awful, you should definately leave him." If she's having an affair, she's doing a very, very good job of hiding it. And who knows at this point, she's a pretty smart lady. Maybe she is hiding it that well.

[OK, about the counseling. First of all, what the guy mainly talked about was our past. Her mom and dad, my mom and dad: how we became what we were. The solutions were few and far between. Second, he told me not to complain about my lack of affection etc. until we came into a session. He told me to let the session be a time when I could discuss my feelings. Well, what do you think I did? I bottled it all up until a session, and then I let her have it. He moderated, but it was still torture for her.]

In conclusion, according to her, "I can't change and counseling won't help."

So, do you or anyone have a suggestion for a 180, or some small goals to set? Thanks for the help.