PieRcing is case by case, and sadly I think too many move there too soon. Ahhh but I think your time frame is correct.
Piecing is the razor's edge. As long as you both realize that neither one is trying to upset the other on purpose and as long as you both are willing to communicate and do work you'll make it through.
I know that you are letting things be...because it has worked so far.
Do not be afraid to speak kindly. I think you missed my intentions in my correspondence.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Piecing is most definitely the "razor's edge" Jack. Well said. I sit on that sharp edge daily. And lately I have to say (Feminists friends, forgive me....) I feel like I'm on some hormonal swing set.
One day I'm "done" piecing and ready to go and file, "no more DBing for me!"...and then sometimes a mere 4 HOURS later...I feel hopeful. WTH???
God, if this is some pre-menopausal thing that lasts awhile, I need some meds...(although some of it is fun....) But how do you know when you are really just in transition, and if so, to what?
When I wrote that section on marriages, and the moment when we finally see our spouses for what and who they are, warts and all, qualities and quirks, strengths and weaknesses, and see ourselves for who and what we are, I felt the words about choosing to see our spouses thru God's eyes and I stared at my own words and thought, "where'd that come from?"
Yes Amy, I know where it came from... and I am working on it!!
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I cannot begin to imagine, what piecing is like, but have of course often tried to picture myself and H having a go at reconciling and getting to know one another again...I greatly admire those who have tried !!
Amy, I will be curious to read how things evolve, not because I am anywhere near where you are, but because each experience teaches us new things, and even though I may never find myself pieceing, it may still open my eyes to a lot of important aspects of relationships !
Take care and tread carefully, praying you will find guidance trhough this and will reach happiness together.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Jeff called me last night about the weekend. Seems we'll be spending a good part of it together. He told me to bring my laundry over and do it there Saturday. And he asked me to come over after work tonight and bring a bag, take a shower there and spend the night. His "reasoning" is that it's easier for me just to stay there tonight and D13 and I get up in the morning to do our volunteer work at the SPCA than it would be for me to stay at my place and have to go pick her up in the morning. There is one thing he has not considered that I would bet money on though; D13 is not going to be thrilled with the idea of me staying there with them. As anyone who regularly "reads" me knows, she has gotten somewhat "overprotective" of her Dad in the last 2 years. She's fine with all of us hanging out but when it comes to me staying there, she doesn't like that one bit. She knows I've stayed with him when she's been gone and she gets aggravated by it. I think she thinks it threatens her "position" and we've talked about that before.
I'm not sure how to balance this one without upsetting one of them (S16 is out for the night that's why he's not in the equation right now - he'll be back with us Saturday afternoon). I think I will talk with D13 before she goes to her dance tonight and get a feel for where she's at with it. My guess is she's suddenly going to really like the idea of coming to stay with me at my apartment - lol.
I have heard of this happening where the daughter takes the wife role ( of course not all aspects) but I wonder on this one. Also I knwo alot of times Moms and daughters have issues through the teenage years. I would think about getting some good counseling on how to handle this as this could be somethiing depending on how its handled could cause alot of grief as you reconile and the as we all know here our kids have been through so much. You dont want to be in competetion with you daughter. I say this as a daughter who was very close to her dad growing up. My parents did not seperate or divorce and I remember my mom being jealous of my relationship with my Father ( her husband) through some of my teenage years...your post just raised a flag in my mind. best wishes to you you have really hung in there. Exciting to read of the progress
I try to stay ahead of the curve where my daughter is concerned. I used to get very aggravated with her but then I read up on the subject so as to understand the dynamic better. On the occasions when she and I have talked about it I have reassured her that her relationship with her Dad is indeed very special and no one can change that, not even me, and I don't even want to. The tricky part has been the times she has tried to situate herself into our plans - such as the night of the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert back in January. Both of us put her right in her place firmly but lovingly and once we did that, she was fine and went and stayed with her aunt without any further problems. Then the next day when we told her all about the show and how we had talked about taking her with us the next time she was acting like any other daughter would act with her parents. For her, it's been either one authority figure or the other but over the last 2 years both of our relationships with her have changed. While his is a little overly enmeshed in my opinion, it's nothing that can't slowly be made more healthy and balanced. In this dynamic, my girl takes priority and Jeff tends to follow my lead, which is determined by whatever manner her issue is presenting itself outwardly. It's a juggle for sure but it can be done. In the past my challenge has been not to get pissed at her but I'm so laid back these days I almost can't believe it myself. I am watchful and aware but otherwise not overly concerned. My concern today is that if she pitches a fit tonight Jeff will get mad at her because he just doesn't understand the psychology of it all.
I swear of all we have been through, if we actually manage to manuever this field full of landmines with D13 we might take a moment to stand back and be impressed with ourselves one day !
When I used to spend too much time reading about mlc and trying to udnerstand it, something very very critical for young girls become very very clear. Dad's that don't keep their little princess on a pedastal can do damage that will follow girls for life. Too often they enter into a M assuming their new H will fill the void dad never satisfied. It is something we guys don't understand and we fail because of what we don't understand. It is often suspected to be the early embedded trigger for a woman's future mlc.
If your D is getting dad's attention, that is good for both of them and something to be valued. Something for them to understand as valuable to both of them for life. No one can take it away or should try. She needs to know how well you understand, how important it is to you that she and her dad always maintain that relationship.
She needs to understand that it might keep her from going into a future M with baggage that a H won't know how to handle. She will begin to have new men in her life in the coming years that will distract her from dad. Dad and d should enjoy "their" time while they have it. She should be recognized and appreciated for what she has/continues to do for him at home. Can't put a price on father/daughter dances, field trips, and quality time in these years. She also needs to learn there are bonds for you and H to maintain. H needs to know he won't be alone when she is grown and gone. When she is off in her own life she won't want dad to be alone. That would leave her feeling very guilty.
The three of you need to communicate the importance of their time, their roles, and care should be taken to comit to that. She needs to communicate when she feels valued, and when she feels threatened. She should expect her family to work through it respecting her position as equal in importance. Teach her skills she can't get from dad alone. Show her the respect some stepmoms/gfriends won't offer. She'll come around and love you more for it.
you know Amy your posts have made me smile for you. And I think Was is absolutely spot on! I can see that with myself anyhow. It saddens me, because the same cycle is happening with my girl and I can't "fix" it...despite all the want.
I'm proud of you girl - especially for being the laid back lil prayer warrior you are!
oh..and
YOU GO GIRL!
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
!
