Lucky -- yeah, the OM is independently wealthy. But she's very independent-minded and also, by her own admission, very concerned about the post-divorce money situation. She's been laying down a lot of -- "you wouldn't be a Real Man if you took spousal support" and "we can't be foolish" and "we need to make 'mature' decisions" (like having an affair and abandoning your marriage, apparently).
(She earns quite a bit more than me; my job is a professional one, but a low-paying one, and we agreed that I'd do the lion's share of the kid stuff)
My thought wasn't that by being practical I'd bring her back. I'm just wondering whether or not that's a fair point to make, full stop.
I just realized that when I say things like MAN, you may take that as a bash on you. I honestly am not trying to bash you. I think that you would benefit greatly by reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. You are a man, indeed. She needs to see a different man in you in order to choose YOU. He's in there, you just need the tools to understand where I'm coming from. Please, I'm begging you, read No More Mr Nice Guy (NMMNG).
But you're the only one that is going to suffer from the situation. She's envisioning her in a McMansion with New Guy and you in a 2-bedroom apartment with Ikea furniture.
She wants the man in her life to be the head of the household, to LEAD her, to take more of the burden of the big picture so she can focus on the details. She'd rather have a nanny than a stay-at-home husband who makes less money than she does, I'd bet.
Anyway, it is a fair point to make, but she's in the mode of chasing a dream that would make all of your points completely irrelevant to HER.
She's very concerned with the post divorce financial situation because she's used to having more money with two incomes and no daycare costs. She's also showing her concern to get you to NOT DARE to ask for spousal support.
It's her decision to break up the family. She needs to live with ALL of the consequences.
It's not your job to make it easy on her, to help her continue her lifestyle. (She SHOULD feel the change in lifestyle as part of her REAL journey.) It's not your job to make it easy on anyone, but just protect the kids as much as possible.
Divorce comes down to numbers, no more or less. Contacting several competent lawyers to understand your legal rights and typical outcome is a basic step to take when your spouse is intractable. This is educating yourself on a potential action of this situation.
It doesn't matter if the economy is tanking or thriving when a spouse leaves. It doesn't matter if you promise her the moon in hopes of keeping her there.
When someone is hellbent on breaking up the family, their feelings are based solely on themselves, not on what's in best your best interest as a couple, the children or you as an individual.
Decide what is fair and equitable with firm legal advice. Decide what works for you, not her. And remember you will have your own household, costs which reflect your needs and those of your children.
This is not saying to pursue divorce. It's putting your ducks in a row and knowing how to protect yourself if the event happens.
