Question for ALL who Can comment and Help me out!!

[fightingirish]

ok guys and gals. I have a quite detailed question for all of you, and I welcome all comments good and bad.

My best friend from high school called me and told me that her and her H have decided to seperate. I am really upset about it.

She's been married for 8 years and has two children, one is 2 years old one is 5, anyways, she's kinda had some rocky relationships in the past and been a bit flaky about men in general.

She told me that before her first was born she had a EA with someone an her H found out and said to stop or he was going to leave. So she stopped but he was very hurt.

5 years later (now) she is telling me she loves him but isn't in love with him business. there is no abuse, he is completely a great person and father. She says its not him its her. Meanwhile she has a child that is autistic and has behavioral issues. She says when she kisses her H she gets grossed out. Ok, then she says "maybe im in love with someone else" ... Ok now Im freaking out.

Her other comment was she was going to move close so she could share the kids with him, and also asked her h if she changed her mind would her take her back???WTH???? Im thinking she is going to try things with this other guy and if its doesn't work go back to her h (which if he knows what's going on I know he won't take her back)

Anyway, what I said to her was, I don't want to see her throw away 8 years of marriage on a "feeling" she may or may not have. That this is not something to take lightly and that she should at least try to work things out, at least give it chance. I told her I would hate to see her make such a big mistake and not be able to take it back.

So my questions is... what can I do to help her? I think she is being completely selfish, and although she is my best friend, I don't agree with what she could potentially do to her kids especially her special needs child.

ok guys tell me.. anything please!

[Dr LOve]

Boy Tal,

My wife would have been so lucky to have a friend like you. Also you should feel honored that she would feel comfortable with you to come to you.
I am not sure what you should do but you are on a thin line.
You need to somehow help her work through this at the same time you need to be careful you don't push her away by not saying what she "thinks" she wants to hear from you.. (Ya you are right leave your husband). Too many of the spouses here have "friends" that enable them to make the wrong choice. I don't think they do it on purpose, but they just want to help their "friend" and tell them what they want to hear.
Maybe you need to try not to "Tell" her stuff.. But ask her questions to make her think more about what you know / feel..

"Do you really think your husband would be willing to try again?"
"Are you moving to just get space or is there someone else"?
"How do you think this will affect you son?"

IF you feel comfortable with it you might want to tell her some of the stuff you went / are going through but only as much of it as you feel comfortable with. There are some things that even after all the "C@ap" we have gone through that I think needs to be kept between a husband and wife..(At least while still married).

Don't know If I confused ya more or not
Talk to ya later
Doc

[fightingirish]

Doc,


Actually doc she know just about Everything that has gone on between H and I. That is why I am so suprised that she is taking this so lightly. She has been there for me when I left him and went to a hotel, kids and all, S3 was only 6 mos old at the time. She was willing to come and stay with me. She really is my best friend. Shes known me since 4th grade.

I did tell her how I felt in a non-judment sort of way. she just seems to "happy" about this, I think she may be in denial of what this is really going to do to her children's life and hers for that matter.

I will ask her those questions, all I can do is be there. Not to judge, but not to agree with her either, because I don't. Until she has tried to work things out at least once, I will never agree to what she is doing.

She takes things I say to her pretty well, I guess because she knows that im a no - nonsense person.

I just hope and pray she makes the right decision. So many marriages are just given up on, and people think it should be fairy tale lane forever, that's just not real life. M is hard work, and I think if you are willing to say I do, you need to put the effort in especially when you have young children.

thanks doc.

T

[theoden]

TAL,

What can I say? Like Doc, I wish my wife had a friend like you.

I think it would help if you thought clearly about the issue of judging. The reason I say this is that your friend needs to know you love her, yet cannot endorse or agree with her course of action,

It's clear that you have aleady made a few judgements: leaving her husband without trying to work on the marriage is wrongm, having and affair is wrong.

What she desperately wants now is a "permission giver".

You might want to get her husband the DR book.

--theoden

[Rob1231]

A few thoughts...

Often (not always), there is not that much difference between the WAS and the LBS:
Both contributed to a M that has ended up on the rocks.
Both are unhappy.
Both are looking for answers.
Both need to learn the lessons of DBing - especially, that they are responsible for their own happiness, and can't depend on their spouse to "make" them happy.

That last one is the key. If you can, look past the bad behaviors you are seeing right now from her. Help her learn to be a happier person on her own. Then that misguided need to "find someone ELSE who will make her happy" won't be so important anymore. Make sense?

[MrBond]

We've all DB'd enough to know that there are issues on both sides of the fence. She should journal those out or tell you what those are. Then both she and her H should figure out what they WANT in the M. And not vague things like, I wish I loved him. It would have to be concrete changes they would have to see in the other.

First off though, she'd have to cut out the A cold turkey. She won't like it, but you can't have your cake and eat it too.

[NoCodeBlues]

(((((((Tal)))))))

Your friend is (to risk a double entendre) flirting with disaster.

I know this is difficult for you -- how can you manage to hold onto a long term friendship with someone who has decided to chuck the value system by which you both are secured? Your friend is seeking to build a support system for doing something she knows is fundamentally wrong, but is not concerned for how this might compromise your own values. It would seem she just wants enablers.

My sister-in-law has shared with me how her own best friend, bosom buddies since they were in elementary school, betrayed her husband and walked out on him and their children. It really tore my SIL up to find that her best friend could do that to her own family.

Hugs and blessings. Stand strong, dear lady.

[Sara]

Have you suggested that she and her husband do a Retrouvaille weekend?

[fightingirish]

Thank you ((((((all)))))

I know you guys would come through for me.

she has told me that her h is not unhappy. She says she is dissatified with the Marriage. Ok, so who isn't one time or another. Again she's giving up to easily and way to happy about the whole thing.

I may suggest to her H the dr book. I know him well enough that he would welcome any suggestions. As far as retrouvaille sara, I would love it if they went, but she is no where near that place right now.

It kills me to see her doing this. She is my very best friend, but I cannot condone or be passive about what she is doing. I just don't understand how she can be so supportive of me and what I went through, and then just give up on her own marriage that was really essentially better than my own.

But I have to say that, this makes me look at my own marriage closer and thank god that Im not in such a bad place anymore. As much as My H and I have fought etc. We still talk everyday on the phone and most times voice our opinions to each other be it bad or good. I don't think my friend and her H do that, she has said they don't communicate well.

But they do go out frequently alone, so this just baffles me.

Theres not many people in this world who can say they have a best friend. It takes years I think to establish that. and then when something like this it challenges your friendship. I don't believe in giving up, I don't believe in affairs and I believe in working through the bad times. It dissapoints me.

[Dr LOve]

Theres not many people in this world who can say they have a best friend. It takes years I think to establish that. and then when something like this it challenges your friendship. I don't believe in giving up, I don't believe in affairs and I believe in working through the bad times. It dissapoints me.

Tal, Wish I lived closer... I know what you Mean about challenging a friendship... My Best Friend cheated on me and I am still hanging around her. trying to reconnect...

Stay strong for her Tal..

Doc