"I am wondering if and when I should do the same thing. I have largely dealt with it myself, and would be happy to just forget it and move forward.
Unfortunately, since in my snitch we NEVER have R discussions (last one was weeks ago when we had our last joint MC session) I would have to start an R discussion just to be able to say it.”
As you know by reading the DR book, you don’t need to be the one to bring the subject of the R up. If the W wants to discuss it, then she will be the one to bring the subject of the R up. I see you as being a lot more talkative than my H……if you talk at all, you would be more than my H (lol). I think it is hard for you not to talk about it even if you say you would be fine to move on and not have a R discussion about the OM. However, if you really believe that you could “forget it and move forward”………I think it could be healthier for you. You cannot drop the rope while hanging on to the OM! Some day, if your W is ready to talk about everything that led up to her turning to somebody else, then she will either bring up the subject herself or she will ask you to go to C again, b/c she apparently feels more comfortable having a third party there while she discusses things with you.
After going back and reading the first page to your story again, I believe you are correct in thinking that your W is still in the “don’t touch me” stage. However, she may feel the need to be touched or held b/c she is hurting, I don’t think she is ready for that person to be “you”. I agree with “Stillloveshim” in that she could have gone out of the room to have her cry. It is as if she wants you to see how miserable she is. However, I do not agree that you should try to talk to her about the R or try to hold her or any of that b/c she is telling you that she still wants space. By “space”, she means not ready for physical contact either. It does place you in a difficult spot! You are correct about her body language. I think you did okay by acknowledging that you did see her crying, but when you asked her if she was okay, that was inviting her or give her the chance to open up and talk if she wanted to…….but she reclined, so I think you did the right thing by not pursuing it. As you said in the beginning of your thread, you have been down that road and it does not work. Yes, it does seem as if you are doing all the opposite things she use to want from you, but I was the same way. I used to want my H to be attentive and do all those things until I had the EA and could not stand to be around him, much less him smothering me with his attention. That is why I want to remind you not to worry about NOT pursuing her since she use to want that. Remember, after being in an EA, her feelings toward you have changed (for the moment) and she thinks she is not “in love” with you right now. That is why you are “friend-ly” toward her, but you do not pursue her.
After this last R talk, I would leave it alone since she said what she did. I would move forward with your life and act “as if” like the DR book describes. Be attractive. How are you coming on buying those new clothes? Are you paying close attention to looking good and using that cologne when you are home?
You must show her that you are more fun to be around than the OM ever was. You are more interesting to be around. You have a hint of mystery about you since she doesn’t always know “every” detail of what you are up to. But remember never lie to her in trying to be mysterious!!! Even if it bursts the “mysterious” plan…..never lie!
I will talk more about this later, but have to start getting ready for work. Just wanted to comment on the deal with your sister and the baby situation. I think I have learned enough about men (but certainly not enough) to try to see all of that from your POV. However, I don’t think you knew that when you invited your sister to go with you that you might as well taken a knife and stuck it into the heart of your wife. I know, that sounds dramatic, but you have to realize, even if you can’t understand it, that we women think and feel about things so differently than you men do. If that had been my baby that my SIL sat up on that counter and wasn’t holding onto him and he fell and busted his little head…………it would have been one of the most difficult things to forgive and for you to ask “her” to go with you before you attached an invitation to your wife………that was seen by her as being cruel. I know you probably don’t understand that at all, do you? But I bet every woman on the board that read that post would tell you the same thing.
Let me point this out before I forget it. The thing you did “right” was planning on something to GAL. Plus it was okay to ask somebody to go with you and you did not have to ask your wife for permission and you did the “perfect” thing when she asked you if she wasn’t even invited to go…….you did attach an invitation to her….that part was perfect…..just like you are suppose to do. Now, this is where you went wrong. Of all the people in the world, why get the one person that she is probably still very, very sensitive about, to go with you? Why not get a male buddy? You should not get a female that is not related, by all means, but why the woman that caused your baby to get hurt? You see, that is how your wife looks at it. This lady is your sister and it was probably easier for you to forgive her b/c she was upset and remorseful about the baby getting hurt. But, I can almost guarantee you that is not how your wife feels and it is one of those things that only time will be able to really heal. In fact, they may never be as close as they once were. That is just the way we are. How old is your sister and does she have children of her own? It doesn’t really matter b/c to a mother, there is no excuse for anyone to sit a 7 month old baby up on a counter and take your hands off him. However, this isn’t really the issue here in the stitch, but I was trying to give you a hint of how women look at things like that.
I have just got to go, but I’m not through……lol. I’ll get back as soon as I can b/c I don't think I ever finished answering your question to me.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
