My first step out of Newcomers

[Can it work]

Hi PM,

Good to hear from you as always. I'm just having a quick breather from slogging away at work today. I'm sorry to hear you have a cold. Hopefully you'll get over it soon.

It's only tonight that my mother's coming past so I don't have anything to report yet but I'll be sure to check in tomorrow and let you know how it went. In answer to your question, she LOVES being a grandmother. She has 4 altogether and spoils them all. Unfortunately though, at the moment, she's the only close family I have living nearby. That was one of the good things about being with my W. All her family are local and we saw a lot of them. I am a very family orientated person but don't get nearly enough opportunity to see them all. Especially the little ones.

I don't see my writing course as school work to be honest. Like reading it's a form of escapism and relaxation for me. When I'm focused on my work, I can shut everything else out. It's a nice respite from the current emotional roller coaster.

I was reluctant at first for Wee Man to get in to trains as I've never had any interest in them myself. At first it looked promising because he seemed to love cars. Much more to my taste. he must have been corrupted by my IL's or my W though because everything's to do with Thomas the Tank Engine now. Still, I can't fight it so I've started collecting things for him to play with at my house. It keeps him happy which is always the main thing.

I was just home for lunch and was expecting my house to be empty (W gets the keys to her new house today). When I arrived though nothing had been touched. Guess she didn't start moving things yet. It's going to be a very surreal experience I'm sure. I've no intention of helping more than absolutely necessary though. She made this choice so she can do the heavy lifting. Knowing her though it'll be her dad who does it all. I'd feel guilty if I left him to do it all himself. We'll have to wait and see what happens though. the one thing is that I hope she doesn't come past this evening to do anything. With my mother coming past it may well end up in fireworks. They've not spoken since W left me and I know that my mother doesn't think much of her right now. I try to convince my mum that my W isn't entirely to blame for all this and to enable me to succeed in trying to salvage my M, I'm going to need her support. My mum's a traditionalist though and all she can see is that this b*tch ruined her son's life. Still, she'll hopefully get over it when I finally do get my W back.

I'd best get back to work. Got a lot to do this month so I'd better get on with it.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Kev,
Sounds like your Mom and my Mom are cut from the same cloth. My mom doesn't say anything about H but I can tell that she is so furious at him. She keeps it under wraps because she doesn't want to upset me more by spewing poison onto him, I guess she loves me more than she hates him.LOL.

I have boxes and boxes loads of Thomas. The kids still take them out sometimes to play with it so I can't bear to throw it all away yet. We've got plastic ones and wooden ones and everything in between. I might find a nice little boy to give them to in a year or two.


If you dread coming home and seeing that your W has moved stuff out. I might gently suggest to your W that she is free to come and move stuff out but to let you know first. Maybe it's time to set some boundaries of your own. Not in a mean way, but just to show her that you have self-respect and have your OWN space and that she can't just waltz in and out at her whim. I know you still want her home, That's OK. It's more an exercise of, "You do realize you are moving out and doesn't live here anymore. So you need to treat me a friend and let me know before you come by and take things out."

My H is taking things out little by little when I am not here and it annoys me to no end. He only takes his clothes, not our possessions so I haven't brought it up or anything. But I lose respect for him because it's so secretive and he can't do it like a man. So have some respect for yourself then maybe she will show some respect to you as well.

Good luck.

[Can it work]

It wasn't a good night last night. Things were fine when I picked up Wee Man and took him home. He was on really good form and loads of fun was had by all. My mum was over and I made us both spaghetti bolognaise for dinner. We watched a little TV with Wee Man while he finished his dinner and then had a lot of fun at bath time. He then sat and had his bottle while watching some Thomas.

The trouble started when I tried to put him down to bed. I could tell he was so tired but he just wouldn't entertain the idea of going down in his cot. This is really unusual for him since he's always been such a good sleeper. Because we changed the nights he was with me this week so my W could move in to her new house, he's not been with me for a week. I think that he's just not used to sleeping at my house any more. He was just screaming horribly every time I tried to put him down. I'd even leave him for a while but it was relentless. At that point I really hated my W for doing this to him. In putting herself first she's disrupting our poor son's life and it's beyond me how any good mother could do that to her son. I know it wasn't necessarily the reason he was unsettled but it's the way my mind was working at the time.

When I dropped him off at my IL's house this morning I got a chance to speak to my MIL. She agreed with me that this is very hard for Wee Man and it's such a shame. She also told me that she had been hoping that my W would have come to her senses by now. This obviously isn't the case. however, she did say that my W seemed more relaxed around me now which is something I've noticed too. Maybe it is a positive step in the right direction but I just don't know. Right now, my mindset isn't allowing me to believe that things can turn around as much as I still want them to. I did see someone write on another thread that with a WAW, you really can't expect anything to turn around in at least 6-8 months. This is the first time I've seen someone quantify it and I have to admit that it gave me something to work towards. I know every case is different but I just need something to aim towards. 6-8 months seems like a realistic target to know if things are improving or not. That is unless she gets involved with someone else. Then I know that the time will probably increase. My mind just really isn't in a good place this morning.

As for my W coming and getting things when I'm not home PM. We've already agreed on the stuff she is taking and I knew that she'd be over to collect them when she got the keys to her house. It's not too much of an issue but it is hard to see another step in our separation taking place. That's the only part of it that bothers me. In a way it was still comforting to have a lot of my W's things still around. This weekend will see the end of it though. I guess I'm just going to have to learn to cope.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

I am so sorry Weeman is having a rough time. But let's just give W the benefit of the doubt. You don't know exactly why Weeman was unsettled, it could have been anything. But I totally understand how your first thought is 'How could she do this to us?' That is my first thought too, in the beginning, when I got annoyed, especially on behalf of the kids. It takes time to work that out of your system. And I hope you do because it's no way to live to think like that, blaming her for the rest of your life. Especially if your goal is reconciliation. Don't sabotage yourself now with negative thoughts of her. Try to be as understanding and compassionate as you can. I know it's very very difficult in regards to the kids. But really Weeman may be unsettled for a number of reasons. I know I am not much help here. Sorry. I really hope you all can be a family again. I really do.

[Can it work]

Hey there PM. Sorry I've not replied sooner but I got a bit bogged down at work and I've been really busy looking after Wee Man tonight. I'm lying in bed now while typing this and feeling very relaxed.

Wee Man had a much better night tonight so it's been a lot more fun. Just the boys tonight though. It's been nice to spend some more quality time just the two of us. I know I was wrong blaming my W's leaving on his mood last night. You're right that there are many things it might have been. I was just venting frustration I suppose. I did feel like that last night but not so much now when looking back in reflection.

You'll be pleased to hear that I've finally taken the bull by the horns and scheduled an appointment with a DB coach! I just figured it was long overdue and that I really needed to act. I've had no problem spending my money on other things lately but seemed to be holding back on what could be the most important thing I ever spend money on. So anyway, I'm scheduled for Monday evening and I'm quite nervous about it. Hopefully it will be ok. I did get offered a session tonight but it was at midnight my time. Normally that wouldn't be an issue but with Wee Man here I thought I'd best wait for a better appointment. Hopefully this will bring me more help that I desperately need right now. Fingers crossed it's not just wasted money. I'll be sure to let you know.

Kev

[Can it work]

I've just done something which has really knocked me back a bit. I had to drop Wee Man off at my W's new house. That's the first time I've actually seen it and it wasn't a nice experience. The house is nice enough, don't get me wrong. It was just the feeling I got when I went in and saw that it was so homely and my W seemed so comfortable there. She was sitting in her pyjamas and watching the TV we bought together only a couple of months ago. Everywhere I looked there were photos of her family and loads of Wee Man. Nowhere to be seen though was any evidence that she'd ever been married. In my house there's still wedding photos all over the place. Realistically, I never expected any but it's so hard to think that she's just shut her door on that part of her life.

I really hope that my session with a DB coach tomorrow night gives me some good advice. I just can't stop myself doubting that there's anything I can do now. My W just seems lost to me and I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it. I can only pray that I'm wrong.

One of the main problems I can see is that my W has som much love around her. She has a huge family who live locally and loads of really close friends who are always there for her. The love I have for her seems surplus to requirements now. I'm different though. I have very little close family living locally and my friends seem unavailable a lot of the time unless I want to go out drinking with them every night. That's just not me any more. Back when I was young and single it was what I would've done but I've grown out of it since I met my W. That's maybe one of the reasons she doesn't love me any more. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a different person now. I just felt it was a necessity to grow out of that style of life since I was a H and a father. I have been going out more since my W left me but I don't enjoy it the same any more. Does that mean I can't be the man my W wants me to be? She seems to enjoy partying now than she ever did. That's a horrible thought. I know that right now I'm in a bad state of mind and these thoughts are just stemming from that. I don't know how I'm going to get to the stage where things like this don't set me back but I suppose that's where the DB coach comes in.

On a positive note, I still managed to act 'as if' all the time I was at her house and even managed to help myself to a cup of tea. She'd gone back to her cold exterior which wasn't nice but I never let it show that I was bothered. At least I'm still managing that ok. The part of DBing where I'm doing worst right now is my PMA. Life goes on though. I only hope that the future brings me back to happiness.

Kev

[Can it work]

I had my first session with a DB coach tonight and I'm feeling a lot better for it. She gave me some really good advice and gave me answers to a lot of questions I had.

It turns out that she thinks my W is being so cold with me because she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea and basically become a lapdog any time I get some positive attention from her. I can see how that could be an issue. To be honest I suppose I'm still at the point where I would take great pleasure in any kind of positive response from my W so it makes perfect sense.

The other big thing the DB coach told me is that I'm still pursuing to a certain extent even though I never thought I was. I was trying to act 'as if' around my W by acting happy and trying to engage in small talk. I'm now supposed to stop that and pretty much turn the tables on my W. I'm not be rude but have to keep conversation with her to an absolute minimum. When I'm in her presence I have to address most of my conversation to Wee Man. I have to go past her house tomorrow night to pick him up so I'll do exactly as I've been advised then.

My next session is supposed to be in about a week so I'm looking forward to that. I can't believe how fast the time flies when you're getting such great advice. I wish I could have talked to her for hours. Tonight was mainly for her to get a feel of my R so I'm hoping next week we can really begin tackling some of my greater issues.

I also think I've realised what has caused my recent slump in mood. I've recently started taking medication that the doctor prescribed to me for a completely unrelated condition and when reading through the notes that came with it saw that this particular drug could cause depression in some cases and is even feared to be the cause of suicide in some rare cases. Stopping taking this medication right now is not an option but I'm glad that I think I may have found a reason I'm feeling down. In a funny way, this realisation has made me feel less down if that makes any sense. At least if I know what's causing it, I can deal with it.

So, in all, things are looking up at this point in time. I have an action plan to work on and the support that I've been so lacking in from home. As much as I love all the help and support that I've been getting on this site, it's great to be able to finally talk to someone on the phone who is supportive of my struggle to win back my marriage. Watch this space for progress......

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Kev,
Can't talk long as have to head out to work. But really happy to hear that DB coach really helped out. Thanks for posting her advice here as well. We all benefit from you session. Great stuff!

[Can it work]

I've had a good sleep and must say that I've woken up still feeling positive about my sitch. Those DB coaches really know their stuff! We've only just scratched the surface IMO. Most of last night's session was getting some background so a whole session with nothing but advice is bound to be enlightening to say the least.

I have the dentist later on this morning so have to be confronted with all my W's work colleagues yet again. To be honest, they all act great around me. Even though, I still feel uncomfortable being around them too much. The fact is that I've done nothing to feel really uncomfortable about though. As much as my W seems to be going through right now, she's never openly blamed me for our M break up to anyone. That's probably just as well because I don't know how I'd react if someone started giving me a hard time for causing this break up. I even ran in to a couple of her friends when I was shopping last night and they spoke away fine. That's the joys of living in a small community.

So, it'll be a busy day at work today and I'm hoping I get a lot achieved. Some days I just can't seem to find the motivation but I suppose that's only to be expected with what's been happening. A work colleague of mine broke up with his W and took 6 months off with stress. I could never go down that route. I think it's always better to keep yourself busy.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

I agree keeping busy is good. But don't forget to process your feelings as well at the same time. You need to think things through, otherwise, you would be 'stuck' and then one day it will hit you all at once and catch you unawares.

So don't be avoidant, I know you haven't been so you are doing OK.

Did you DB coach say what you would do if you make conversation with Wee Man and then your S gets all quiet and shuts you out? Sorry, that's my sitch and I don't know what to do so just curious.