And I have to repeat what I said before. Do not allow him raise a voice on you, like when you had an argument over your bank account. If you allow him to be rude he will never be back. He should start to respect your dignity, if you wish him back
I don't think I agree. I think this trip will be an opportunity to show him the positive changes in you. Create in your mind every possible situation that could arise based on your knowledge of him and come up with how you are going to handle it in a positive mature way. And I disagree about him yelling with a raised voice. I think that is another opportunity to show him you are bigger than that, you can control yourself and therefore the situation. If he's yelling, let him. You speak in a normal voice. If the yelling persists, ask him to speak to you like you're speaking to him. However, the WAY he speaks to you is another thing. When he starts to say hateful, mean things just to say them and get under your skin, call him on that. And really, call everyone who has the gaul to speak to you in a way you find disrespectful, not just him. Who needs that crap?
The yelling issue: I believe that not only feelings trigger actions, but also actions may trigger feelings. If smb yells often at you then it becomes for him increasingly difficult to respect you. Therefore avoids conflicts, you can not win any of them
I 've been practicing and God threw 2 opportunities my way last nite and this AM, for me to show him how much self control I am gaining. A new level of maturity. It's so HARD not to be nasty back, but my family and my M are worth it. We are both excited about the trip. So far on 2 trips he has been completely different, happier more affectionate. They were both before the Big bomb, but after he had said he hasn't been happy in our mariage for 4 yrs.
So I'm curious to see which H comes with me on this trip LOL.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
I know what you mean, b/c the other day, on the subway, my H put his Ipod on full blast ( he was a bit depressed and stressed), and I asked hiw why did he put it on so loud, but I guess I asked in a "motherly' fashion, and he got REALLY offended. Later that day, on his IM away msg, it read...It's always the same thing, any way you look at it....Now that you made that comment, I see what he meant. I never knew men were as sensitive as we are, but with his depression comes extreme sensitivity, and a really great memory when it comes to things I say. Maybe not physical activities, or stories, but if I say soemthing that insults him or hurts him, he does NOT forget it. So I'm being extra careful now. Since we are getting along so well, and he is still physically into me, and playing and joking, I think I may have a slim chance that his love hasn't completely dide yet.
What's your opinion? Could it be a front, to not "hurt me" more, or b/c he feels pity that he hurt me by wanting a divorce?
My opinion only........ he still is affectionate with you, even if it's just during the night. That's not pity hugging. That's wanting to be close to you hugging. When you're quiet, & not saying comments that he interprets as disapproval.
If I were you, I'd focus very hard on saying positive things once or twice a day. Try to use your girlfriend voice, not your mother voice. lol I hope you know what I mean.
I think he still cares for you, but his interpretation of your words cause him to withdraw to protect himself from perceived disapproval. Next time you make some comments that he experiences as disapproving ask him "how did you experience my words just then?" then listen to what he says & say "I can understand how it may sound that way, what I meant was......." & try to give him some additional information.
Take care & good luck
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
