Just keep swimming...PH #5

[pearlharbr]

Hi Sam, thanks for stopping by! Seems like we do have some friends in common.

I know the guys are right and if I am so inclined to move forward I will definitely be following their advice. It hasn't steered me wrong yet!

I am only hesitating because I don't know what I want. I thought I did. I thought I was done and was moving on with big plans for an exciting new life. Now I'm mad at xBF for coming along and throwing a wrench in my plans yet again. Grr.

I was planning on waiting until Monday so I have the weekend to get my mind off it and come back with a fresher perspective. But is a week too long to say something?

Also, I need to discuss a financial issue and this new cat issue with him that I wanted to do tomorrow. But now I don't want to just talk about that stuff and ignore the letter.

Ack, I am just a bundle of indeciveness!

[pearlharbr]

Here's the problem: since I've been single I've been meeting a lot of men and getting a fair amount of attention. Now that's not to say that it's all sexual, just a lot of chatting and having fun hanging out. And I like it. A lot.

It makes me think that if and when I am ever ready for another relationship (and that's a big IF in my case) I could find someone who is a better fit. Someone who isn't a cheater, liar, coward and quitter. Or at least I would know that I wouldn't stand for it ever again and would be willing and able to just walk away.

I think I have crossed the line into WAS territory. The excitement of something new is far more attractive than going back to a cheater/liar/coward/quitter. The newness is fun and I've been sorely lacking in fun for a while (well, not lately!).

In my sitch, I know that it was a PA. So STD testing would be required. But I don't know if I can just move past it. It's not something I even think about now because I got into the whatever phase but if I had to think about it it might drive me crazy.

And I am by nature a vindictive person. If I have to go through knowing he was with someone else part of me thinks he should have to do the same. If he can't deal with it how does he expect me to do it?

I know how much you love your W. And if you have doubts about risking going through this pain again imagine what it's like for me when I'm not even sure I love him at all. Sigh.

[pearlharbr]

I can't remember: was there any prior infidelity with him, either with you or a previous relationship of his?

Not that I am aware of. Before this happened I would have told you no way, but now...

I just think he's a WEAK guy, and at this age, tigers rarely change their stripes too much.

What keeps going through my mind is "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I have a male friend from high school who is a serial cheater. He cheated on his hs/college gf with the woman he eventually married. He cheated on her while they were dating long distance and then eventually cheated on her when they were married with woman who is now wife #2. [I should clarify that I'm no longer friends with him. I became friends with his first wife and picked her in the divorce. After my sitch started I realized I couldn't have any contact with him anymore.]

I don't want to think xBF is like this, but who knows? This could be the beginning or just the first time I found out. I'd like to think it was the only time because we were pretty tight before and spent all our time together. But he did travel a fair amount for work. My fear is this doubt is going to plague me forever. I don't want to live like that.

Funny thing: my mom never gave me a lot of advice growing up, but I distinctly remember her turning to me and saying, "Never marry a man who leaves his wife for you. He will just as easily leave you for the next one." Guess OW's mom never told her that. (I've met her parents, they are nice people. Where did they go wrong?)

[pearlharbr]

Thanks davidswife

I didn't mean to imply that parents wouldn't understand, just that sometimes people don't understand those of us who consider our animals to be part of our family.

I didn't call xBF yet, but if the news isn't good from the second opinion vet all bets will be off!

[silvagod]

Aww, Pearl, I KNOW all about pets, cat's in particular. I still have my 2 with me and they are simply my owners! (I am their staff)

Do you know if it just over eating or something similar with W, or is likely to be a different sort of problem?

I had to have my oldest cat put to sleep 2 days after W left (she was 22!) so I know how much it hurts and how little the ex care.

[pearlharbr]

It's also a bit alarming (and telling) that in 1,800 words, nowhere does he say that he has ENDED IT with OW, once and for all, or what he's willing to do in that regard (transparency) to earn back your trust.

This is the first thing I noticed Puppy.

And last night I remembered that the very first thing you said to me, indeed the first response I received on this board was:

I'm not seeing where he ever agreed to NOT contact her

So here we are three months later and, really, nothing has changed except my feelings toward him.

[Tawnya]

{{{Pearl}}} when will you know the results about the 2nd opinion? Let us know please How are you today??

You know, I feel like you do about possibly being a WAS LOLOL..my friend that I hadn't seen since this started said I seemed "liberated" and that was a nice way to put exactly how I feel about it actually It's a weird spot to be in and, tho I said you have the control, it's not a spot that I envy for you.

As for the question you asked about how you get past it, to be honest, I am NOT 100% sure that I could, but almost the bigger problem for ME personally, and it sounds like for you too, is that they walked out, they quit, they left us standing there (Like in "So What" he let you/me fall)..that's almost tougher than the physical...

Hugs to you and can't wait to hear about YOUR weekend

Tawnya

[Puppy Dog Tails]

btw, sorry to hear about your cat, Pearl. I DO have kids -- four of them -- but my beloved dog and my two cats are like #5 and #6 to me.

In fact, this is me on a typical nite, posting on the forums:

Puppy at the 'Pooter http://news.yahoo.com/comics/speedbump

[pearlharbr]

Well, good news and some more frustration in the latest email from xBF:

Deposited today for $XX,XXX.XX

Can I stop by this weekend and hang with the cats?

I’m not sure how long you will be gone, but if just Sat & Sun, I could cat sit and sleep on the couch?

Umm, he has his own apartment. I'm not going to be home. What is the point?

Thanks for all your well wishes for my cat W. I am hoping to make an appointment with the cat specialist in the area for next week, I'll let you know what happens.

[pearlharbr]

It's been an eventful day. While I was out to dinner with a girlfriend and her husband, xBF called and left a message. This is the first phone call since the kicking out.

Hey, it's me. Umm, calling to see if you're willing to talk sometime or, about stuff. Of if we just, I guess, or I guess we have to talk some time one way or the other. I don't know if you're home now or what. But I just want to talk...and sorry. All right, I guess email me if you want to. Bye.

Yeah, because that sounds like an offer I can't refuse.

I'm leaning toward sending the email Gucci suggested even if I'm still not sure about giving him a second chance. He's still got to meet certain criteria before I'm willing to try so I might as well see if he's really ready to "do whatever it takes." After all, it's still just words so I'll wait to see if there are any actions to back them up.